her body soothes my rotting skin
her flesh dissolves into it
my brain cannot resist the poisonous remedy injected
i know you have good intentions dear but i
i dont have them

spent the year sick and in your bed
blood stained sheets from every mess that i regurgitated
sickness strewn about your halo'd head
greenish tint staining the rim

and when i lift mine i feel
dizzying aches
strain to look out to the garden, lay still to see your face
do you regret everything you've ever said
my love, my everything
dear mother *****

everyone who ever knew me,
outside your mending gaze
anyone who ever told me
things i don't believe
who needs them anyway
just dig deeper into my skin
and i forget, when i wince
feels like heaven in your grip
my love
my love don't forget me don't
regret
  
everything i can't resist
bleeding in your makeshift replacement for everything missing, this mattress
can't take away the incessant aches
her fingers dig and dig and
she takes a break for a day
or three and i can't wait
crawling in every single inch of my skin
waiting for you to begin again
hanging on every word you say
my brain cannot resist the poisonous remedy injected
waiting for her to begin
again

and i can't wait

lying in silence




quiet



there's a dead poet, lying in the garden, lying in




silence

thirsting for anything, buried deep beneath the overgrown weeds of your garden

the artist
is dead.

foreign words
permeate my brain as blood flows through the cave
to drown me again
velvet gloves are not enough to keep myself from throwing up
at the thought of you doing anything
my blood stained finger tips tear through the fabric to rip at my own skin

and when you touch me it all just ceases

your sweet tone
dissolves into my spit-filled soul
a high that i can't replicate anywhere in this miserable childhood home
and when it wears i just want more
when it's gone i just need you to hold
the incessant shakes when i feel the weight of my aching bones

and when you hold me i sleep like i'm old

please don't leave me
don't leave me anymore

cant speak
offer you my teeth
pulling them
one by one
a bleeding cavity
whose words slurred and misheard
whose dizzy head orchestrates poor decision
whose rotting flesh feels incisions
to take away from decaying
pain to face numb complacency
trust you with where to cut me
feel so worthless in my misery
put me in your bed to bleed
hold me wrapped in blood stained sheets
hold me til my wounds recede
i love you please dont leave me
dont leave me

You likened me to a piece of art. Endlessly reflecting every tender sentiment. Every traumatizing connotation one could possibly interpret from the ugly world around them to boldly stand as a beautiful conclusion.

And perhaps that's what I could have been. Perhaps I was on that trajectory but it's funny how not unlike that same imagined piece of art, interpretations vary. Interpretations change.

I am art. A piece perpetually unfinished, left in isolation. Undesired.

I am a painting done through once loving eyes that's decayed and morally declined and become indistinguishable from its original vision.

I am trapped inside a suffocating abstract space where the only "consolation" is endless, mind numbing "reflection" that lost its value when crippling dissociation took over and my own living, breathing body started being horribly neglected.

I am art, but I'd give anything to be human.

I said I'd walk the path but I'm paralyzed
Cause the demon on my back has numbed every nerve
Took it's two thin fingers and ripped the sheet of skin from off of my body
And I watched and didn't shed a tear

There are no more sobering moments for me
No catastrophe that can defy my conditioning to feel nothing as I'm decaying
The sedative has suffocated my will as the devils harvest every pulsating part of my being

without so much as a scream

I wanna have pale glass eyes,
I wanna have glitter freckles,
I wanna have marble fingernails
a dazed dancer in the swan lake
like a dying light
cast upon my porcelain
bound to catch what's bright
even when i'm blinded