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 May 2013 Icarus M
JM
Sick fuck
 May 2013 Icarus M
JM
With a mouth full of bile,
I kiss your rotting lips.
I spew my rancid seed
on your blackened eyes
and know they will soon
be crusted shut, tainted
by my sickly venom.

I am poison.

I seep into
your wet parts and
consume all that is good and pure,
leaving nothing but **** in
your bloodstream, ***** in your lungs.

I am malignant by nature,
malevolent by choice.

And I have chosen you as next.
I'm hiding here
in this space where
I keep brutally exposing myself
I'm not really My self
I wear masks
and pseudonyms
and there's certain things I can't say
won't say
because I'm afraid of who will read them
and what they might learn about me
And sometimes I feel that makes
all of this
pointless
I am torn between two
equally important desires
I need to be raw here
I need to be violently open
I need to feel free to express
whatever I am feeling
for no other reason than the simple fact that
I am feeling
But I am also afraid
of the reactions I might get
afraid I might hurt someone
afraid of someone I know
learning something about me
that I don't want them to know
afraid they'll use it to hurt me somehow
I need to be wide open
but can only do it behind the safety of a mask
and even that isn't good enough
I still constantly self-censor
I have pages and pages of writings that no one
but me
has ever seen
will ever see
Even now
as I write this
I can't help but wonder at the reactions
I might get
from people I know
in real life
or people I know
in the wire
or people I've
never met
and that wondering changes me
changes my feelings
makes me second-guess
what I'm going to say
The only way my art can ever be
absolutely true
absolutely honest
absolutely Me
is if no one ever reads it
But what good is Expression
without Witness?
I need to have
an audience of strangers
for each poem
total strangers
that I will never have to see again
Or I should tag my poems on walls around town
in the middle of the night
like my little brother
(oh, gods, what if he reads this??!)

*******
I'm leaving it in
Another pointless, rambling, ugly poem ABOUT writing poetry.  Ugh.  Sorry.  It's the best I could do today, unfortunately.  But at least I wrote something.  Even if it's *****, it's better than not writing at all.
 May 2013 Icarus M
spysgrandson
when I asked how long I would live  
my father told me about you
to comfort to my six year old ears
he saw, perchance, I was no longer beguiled
by the ignorant innocent myth
of immortality, on the same night
he spoke of infinite electrons
spinning in a car dome light  
strangely, I knew,
even when the car door closed
those energized specs would spin forever
and dance about on a minute stage
when Methuselah was nothing
but words on an ancient page  
still I saw his long white beard
counted his earthly years,  
and asked father
if my number would be as great,  
perhaps colluding to avoid my fate,
as the oldest man who ever lived
there is, I believe, an Isaac Bashevis  Singer short story with this title--it has nothing to do with the poem--this is based on exchanges that occurred between my father and me when I was 6 or 7--he taught me the concepts of infinity, electrons and told me of Methuselah
 May 2013 Icarus M
JM
If I
 May 2013 Icarus M
JM
am not kissing you
within five seconds
of seeing your eyes
in shared sunlight,
then the earthworms
will swarm to our
feet and by seven seconds
our tongues will touch
and the universe will
stop holding it’s breath,
knowing our time has begun.
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