I'm hiding here in this space where I keep brutally exposing myself I'm not really My self I wear masks and pseudonyms and there's certain things I can't say won't say because I'm afraid of who will read them and what they might learn about me And sometimes I feel that makes all of this pointless I am torn between two equally important desires I need to be raw here I need to be violently open I need to feel free to express whatever I am feeling for no other reason than the simple fact that I am feeling But I am also afraid of the reactions I might get afraid I might hurt someone afraid of someone I know learning something about me that I don't want them to know afraid they'll use it to hurt me somehow I need to be wide open but can only do it behind the safety of a mask and even that isn't good enough I still constantly self-censor I have pages and pages of writings that no one but me has ever seen will ever see Even now as I write this I can't help but wonder at the reactions I might get from people I know in real life or people I know in the wire or people I've never met and that wondering changes me changes my feelings makes me second-guess what I'm going to say The only way my art can ever be absolutely true absolutely honest absolutely Me is if no one ever reads it But what good is Expression without Witness? I need to have an audience of strangers for each poem total strangers that I will never have to see again Or I should tag my poems on walls around town in the middle of the night like my little brother (oh, gods, what if he reads this??!)
******* I'm leaving it in
Another pointless, rambling, ugly poem ABOUT writing poetry. Ugh. Sorry. It's the best I could do today, unfortunately. But at least I wrote something. Even if it's *****, it's better than not writing at all.