I am certain now that I am me and he and she
So I try to hide hoping you will not notice but
They say things                           They do things
To make you think              That make you ask
That he is crazy                      Is she really mad?
That they are not                    Then they are too
  But he is she too                             And they say
So when I take the                   I should take the
Pills, so they and he and she will all go away,
I will just be me again and you will not be as

Frightened of us.

Trying and failing in a wasteland of work
To get the space, to think and to live in the
Moment, which we are supposed to do,
If we are to be happy in this life, instead
Of the next, which becomes more likely,
As the trying fails and the failures mount.

Nothing is important enough to let this
Happen, and giving up is not going to work,
Unless you intend to spend you eternity,
With a hell of a racket from those harps
In the clouds, which will inevitably drive,
You madder than mad for ever and ever.

Failing to fail in your wasteland of life
You get the space, to think and live in the
Moment, which we are supposed to do,
And the prospect of a hell with harps,
Is replaced with moments that multiply,
To a love of this life instead of the next.

Every morning I swim up a vertical river,
Almost drowning, as night leans into
A clean new day, where thoughts
And plans crystallize in a foam
And spray, which isolates
Me from the world
Of people and
Places and
Problems.

I am reborn
Rejuvenated
And cleansed
Of a night that
Contaminated my
Now-clean body
With all my
Yesterdays
Erased

I
Know
Traces are
The sticky air
Between, hopes
Fulfilled and fears
Conquered, while
Life flows slowly
Towards an
Endless
Sea.

Birth gives life with an awful
Closeness, since today I
Sent a 1st birthday card
To a part of me, that
I gave to my son.
It crossed in the
Post with his
Card which
Read…

"Ian donates high quality kidney to his son"

In
Giving
We receive
More than we
Can ever expect
When we do what
Comes naturally to a
Parent in this cycle of
Life and living and love.

Be-tubed in my silver coffin for take-off,
Bemused by passenger coping strategy,
Beloved by adjacent nervous new-friend,
Being away from you is harder every time.

Bewildered by the preying nervousness,
Be-crossed by maddening screaming kids,
Bespectacled study of the unending 1Q84,
Being away from you is harder every time.

Be-thinking of what you are doing as I soar,
Because appoggiatura in “Someone Like You”,
Begets a “Missing You” sadness deep inside,
Being away from you is harder every time.

All my life I have been visited by a black dog,
Who brings dark thoughts of death and dying.
This is a coward’s escape in the light of day,
But no light penetrates the darkness I feel.

The decisions I make and the people I lead,
Who trust and respect the results I achieve,
The family I love and the life that I lead,
Make the challenge of now so **** hard.

At times this madness seems logical to me,
In the insecurity of fear that stalks me now,
But a mystery amazing to the people I love,
This secret unknown in my private distance.

The black dog leaves and with him my fear,
But I always remember him with respect,
And wait for the day when he will return,
And hope that he leaves before I escape.

Traces of memories we leave in verse,
Which capture moments in time, that
Become invisible, once they are gone.

Traces of what we are and do and can do,
In our life from the day we are born, until
We die, the sum of our hopes and fears.

Traces are the sticky air between, hope
Fulfilled and the fears conquered, while
Life flows slowly towards an endless sea.

Before I was born my fate was a thread,
To be spun and measured and cut at a time,
Determined by Fates inflicted on men.

Why is an impossible burden allotted to me?
And why the decision that since
Pandora was created,
My fate ever since,
Is determined,
By spinning of thread,
In the sandstorm of life,
By immortals who meddle.
On this earth, when I really prefer,
To be left on my own to live life in despair?

With my daily bread and a glass of wine,
And the love of the woman I love by my side,
Who sleeps in my arms as I dream or my fate.

Minus ten in blinding blizzard at midnight
Snow insulation isolates me from feeling
Cold sensation freezes me from your touch
And a contrasting black emptiness inside
Is a deeper sort of empty for me now.

My life is full of choices I do not want to make,
If they came a little slower, I wouldn’t feel so bad,
But I sometimes feel I’m drowning, when they
Come from every angle, so I really cannot breathe.

My life is full of tricks, that I use to help me cope,
My favourite is my iPod, of which I have a few,
I listen to my music loud, so nothing can intrude,
I just repeat a favourite bar, a hundred times
Or more, it’s like a drug to me because, I need
It all the time, sometimes I forget and bring
It in my bath, which makes the man at Apple
A very happy man, because I need, a new one
Every time, the price I think is small because,
It protects me from all those choices, which
Would simply make me sad, and I can make
The ones I want to make, exactly when I wish.

My life is full of choices I do not want to make,
So I suppose the iPod washing is because, it
Really is my tap, to let some choices in, and stop
The drowning feeling, which too many choices bring.

Time passes in a mystery of minutes and months,
Days and nights a survival of solitude and sleep,
Life and living becomes an unending wait for Now.

Now is just a Technicolor rush of with you again,
But our time together always is impossibly short,
So that leaving you again gets harder every time.

Why is time a new variable with the one I love?
Why are the colours of love so warm for us now?
Why do Cupid’s arrows still draw blood so red?
Why are grey days bright and rainy days soft?
Why after all these years do I feel like this?
Why is time with you in too-short seconds?

If only our love stopped the earth turning,
We could love in a frozen second of time,

Forever.

I was very
Close to death today,
On the road to Cochabamba.
The “too many” sad lines of crosses,
None of them planned to die.
How can you know?
How will I know?
When?
I live each day
As if it is my last,
So that,
When
I come
to the end
of the road,
Unfulfilled desires,
Will not torment me
In the next life, if there is one.

Diamonds of shattered glass sparkle in sunlight,
Grey cobbles contain a memory of past violence,
Was it blood and bone remnants of a car crash,
Or a ***** toast, of a long night of celebration?
Evidence of these past events a glass memory of
Unrecorded pictures, as my feet crunch through,
A brittle history of a Saturday night in Auckland.

Living
On the edge
Of adrenaline
With caffeine
No sleep.

Torture team
Manage manager
Calm customers
Shoot supplier
No sleep.

Fixes fail
Skype saviour
Possible plan
Fanatic focus
No sleep.

Forget food
More madness
Temper tantrum
Solution soon
No sleep

Rock & roll
Back broken
Problem past
Adrenaline addict
No sleep

Go to bed – write this poem.

Table for one sir, a book my companion for a one-sided conversation
Restaurant conversations buzz around me with intimacies and angst
Pre-movie girlfriends split the bill for a bowl of gelato delightful chat
Spooning in the Italian atmosphere for the price of a McDonalds.


The repro man on my right boasts of dietary prowess to his fat date
On the rack for his gluttony assuaged by the second rack of lamb
Talking at each other I can feel the anguish of ugly gay loneliness
Italian waiters providing comfort in the form of tiramisu temptations.


Life the entertainment on Saturday night alone with ten pages read
A drink talking boy will sleep alone without his now cold girlfriend
Broadcasting life's loves and lies, everyone hears and nobody listens
The opera of living more tragic than Tosca and as brutal as Butterfly.


Rain soaked spirits sink on a trudge home to a lonely king-sized bed
Goodnight loved one Skyped intimacies a warming blanket of comfort
Sleep sweet dreams before the limousine blacked streets of tomorrow
Nearer to honey sweet kisses and close in my love’s warm bed “hello”.

Snow at last, at minus ten New York wears its winter skin
Homeless escape the streets to the subway train warmth
Animal-house comments from shallow breathing commuters
Shocked smiles from startled stockbrokers and secretaries.

Slip-sliding on sidewalks, fills my shoes with slosh of slush
Hands reach out to hold falling commuter - ouch, thanks
Buzz in Bull and Bear bar, smiles as Russian détente provides
An expensive warm bed for drink-confident conference Adonis.

My girl is far away but close, reading my History of Love
I see her smile that “I want to spend a lifetime discovering”
Valentines’ hearts abound, nervous dates in fancy restaurants
Incompatible to all but each other, tense jazz in the Red Eye.

Looking to snooze on AA922 to Miami today
Little monsters scream all the way for fun
Seat kicking for exercise and expression
****** in mind as red wine spills on shirt
Wishing it was little darlings’ blood instead
Open the door and take them wing walking
Angry parents complain for some reason
Perhaps because I did not bring them back
Now sleeping, no apologies, dreaming that
Business Class minimum age the best policy.

Sometimes it’s hard to be apart

Sometimes it’s hard to be brave
Sometimes it’s hard to be cold
Sometimes it’s hard to be daring
Sometimes it’s hard to be early
Sometimes it’s hard to be friends
Sometimes it’s hard to be good
Sometimes it’s hard to be happy
Sometimes it’s hard to be in-love
Sometimes it’s hard to be just
Sometimes it’s hard to be kind
Sometimes it’s hard to be lovely
Sometimes it’s hard to be mellow
Sometimes it’s hard to be nasty
Sometimes it’s hard to be out
Sometimes it’s hard to be poor
Sometimes it’s hard to be quiet
Sometimes it’s hard to be ready
Sometimes it’s hard to be simple

Sometimes it’s hard to be together

There was never any objection or obligation or any-big-thing in this,

There was never any problem or procrastination or pride in this,

There was never drama or doubt or decision in this,

Only love.


There was never any concern or confusion or conundrum in this,

There was never any plan or principle or project in this,

There was never any struggle or soul-searching or sorrow in this,

Only love.

I stand
I see
I am
I think

I should
I know
I can
I think

I sigh
I love
I will
I think

A slow death, in eons of unremembered moments,
Like a dark star, she collapses into herself every day,
Fragments of her past memories intrude sometimes,
Incomprehensible now, like they are all in Russian.

This existence she hates more than life itself,
Flowing like an unending river, towards a sea,
Days of sleep, interrupted by family strangers,
Wearing her precious necklace and others’ clothes.

At times I am "Who?", until her son is introduced,
Which produces a "Happy to see you" smile, and
Complaints that no one ever comes to visit now,
She is living in a nightmare of empty spaces.

Her now ungraspable tranquillity, her living hell,
Punished for imagined sin, she now doubts God,
But wants to go home to Him, to ask "Why?”.
She believed the childhood promise of heaven.

On occasions,
I think about sad things,
A pathos that touches my soul,
Like a cat half-drowned after swimming,
Or the empty feeling when your dog dies,
Or an old horse standing in the rain,
Or a man waiting in a dole queue,
Or a child lost in a supermarket,
Or seeing your parents cry,
Or never being in-love,
Or unrequited love,
Or being alone,
Completely,
Empty.

This girl came to my party,
And petted my tortoise,
In nineteen sixty four,
When I was eight, and
No-one noticed, not even me.

She still complains today
That she missed out on
Her jelly and ice-cream,
When she was seven, and
No one noticed, not even me.

I think when ten years later this
Beautiful blonde said yes, she
Would be mine, and is today, this
Tortoise slow was still around, and
No one noticed, not even me.

I tell our children now grown-up,
That I have found a tortoise is
The perfect way to find the girl,
Who will be yours forever, when
You are eight and she is seven.

Hands held
Fingers touch
Eyes smile
Happy glow
Warmth flows
Air charged

Hug hungry
Bodies close
Hearts beat
Happy rhythm
Lips kiss
Time stops

Orange squeezed, tea brewed, bacon fried
Self showered, beard shaved, robe wrapped
Wife kissed, tea brought, eyes rubbed
Juice sipped, toast munched, day discussed
Sugar stirred, tea drunk, watch checked
Kids rattled, cornflakes spooned, plates emptied
Mum fussed, kids grumped, teeth cleaned
Noses wiped, shoes on-ed, lunch packed
Stragglers awayed, byes waved, friends greeted
Office called, PC packed, car started
Wife snuggled, door closed, journey begun.

I feel bleaker than bleak

More empty than full
More restless than calm
More hopeless than hard
More gutless than strong
More boneless than brave
More pointless than sharp
More faceless than feared
More skinless than naked
More airless than breath
More lifeless than dead
More useless than you

I feel like crying inside.

Won’t someone just do something?

Butterflies before you sit the final exam,
Butterflies before you go for a job interview,
Butterflies before you ask her out on a date,
Butterflies before you kiss her for the first time,
Butterflies before you propose two will be one,
Butterflies before you meet her family,
Butterflies before you see her all in white,
Butterflies before you make that big speech,
Butterflies before you see that your baby is OK,
Butterflies before you get news from the doctor,
Butterflies before you lose your job again,
Butterflies before you face any little crisis,

But -                                          

No butterflies for breakfast.

Monday memories of together again,
When ordinary things become special,
With you beside me, sharing the moment,
A pavement espresso, a smile, a place,
A knowing look, our post-prandial siesta,
Burns bright like the unquenchable fire,
The never-ending passion, of my endless
Love, for you and those little things you do.

Roses red
Sun shining
Bed blissful
Sheets satin
Lovers laughing
Shower shared
Touch tender
*** sensational
Nightfall now
Sleep sudden
February 14th.

Wine is for laughing
Wine is for talking all night
Wine is for living life out loud
Wine is for making us beautiful
Wine is for all-night conversations
Wine is for getting together again
Wine is for ‘never again’ tomorrow
Wine is for sleeping like a baby
Wine is for telling the truth
Wine is food for love
Wine is friendship
Wine is fresh
Wine
Can
Be
The
One
Perfect
Companion
At the end of a long day

In skin closeness two hearts beat as one

My love sleeps her soft breath on my back

Heaven is on earth when I am with my love

Perfect picture of blonde hair on blue pillow.



She smiles, my senses tingle, time stops

Shallow words of love made real with a hug

I feel the moment now is perfect happiness

Life is for love and living is for loving you.

In my arms you are safe tonight,
I feel your breath warm and soft,
Your heart beating fast, a memory
Of passion past and my fingers that
Traced a pattern on your skin, soft,
A gentle loving touch becomes the
Afterglow of lovers’ quenched desire.

Flashes of lightening in darkness freeze the moment
A freight train of thunder rumbles across the night sky
I love to sleep with the girl whose love spans the miles

Your sleepy voice hello makes my heart beat faster
Distant Vienna ballet memories and Loos bar champagne
I love to wake with the girl whose cuddles chase the cold  

Lost alone in this big bed your comforting arms are absent
Together in dreams but our bodies chill with the distance
I love to be loved by the girl with the beautiful smile

South of the border west of the sun,
Cluttered emptiness cannot fill the hole.
Bridges fell in anger replaced by loneliness,
Murakami makes our languishing love raw.

The reflective silence eats into my soul.
The hell in the empty hello from Haiti,
Wanting you but I am on a different plane,
Knowing needs, the threads of our tapestry.

You my missing part I have been looking for
Love expressed in my doubt of past escape.
Coming back to you the fragile love of my life,
Bringing balance as my past pain takes flight.

We know the house of cards has fallen down,
Seeking new foundations for living loving life,
Can this "best thing" open a door to our future?
Smiling eyes become the windows to our heart.

In love, a delicious drowning feeling,
Where stillness surrounds us, contrasting
A movie-like, high speed madness around us,
Bypassing us, because our love is frozen in time,
Growing now like the first buds in a spring passion,
Our touch electric-like, brings us closer than skin,
So close, that our hearts beat like one heart,
So close, that we dream the same dreams,
So close, that we breathe the same air,
So close, that we are one person.

Sitting here in this heat, thinking slow,
Your last night loving thaws my icy soul,
This silly snowman loves the feeling as,
My cold-cold heart is melting to you love.

The loving look
Was all it took
To melt my heart,
My life to start,
So long ago.

Blossom blush,
Schoolgirl crush,
To take it slow,
We grew to know,
So long ago.

In midst of loving,
That 18 feeling,
When two are one,
And two were one,
So long ago.

The hello again smile whenever I arrive home,
A welcome hug when I feel you in my arms,
The want you now look in a crowded room,
A want you back when I am going on a trip,
The sleepy smile as I leave you alone in bed,
A hope you have fun with our boys goodbye.

The holding hands as we walk on the beach,
A million Little Things in our lifetime together,
The no regrets ever as my heart beats fast,
A comfortable cuddle as we drift off to sleep,
The spring in your step after a sleep-in morning,
A closeness with the other half of me - with me.

Love is so easy, forgetting is so hard.
I remember every moment I am alone
With you in the companionship of silence.
What do you think, where will I go now?
Staring into the blue ocean of your eyes.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
I remember every inch of you in my dreams
Without you in my empty room tonight.
What do you dream, where do you go now?
Staring at two ceilings across two oceans.

Love is so full, forgetting is so empty.
I remember your every electric touch,
Without you my world could not turn.
What do you feel, where do we go now?
Staring at the deep ocean of our love.

You lie in bed and close your eyes,
Your heart beats fast as you fantasise,
The restless feelings deep inside begin,
Hot as his fingers trace across your skin,
Over the hills and valleys his magic touch,
That exquisite burning fire you love so much,
Lips taste your passion wet musk perfume,
The urgent coaxing of the flower to bloom,
You lust on fire for him to take you over,
****** deep and bring you - oh so clever,
The thorns of pleasure - searing height,
As two are one and perfect is the night.

Like a car without a driver
Like a plane without a pilot
Like a boat without a captain

Like a town without a person
Like a hole without a space
Like a map without a place

Like a suit without a man
Like a shoe without a foot
Like a hat without a head

Like a cry without a child
Like a bark without a dog
Like a smile without a face

Like me

Without

You.

When we are apart a part of me is missing
When we are one we fly “Over the Town”
When we are down we build each other up
When you say “Hi” a thrill runs down my back
When you are sad I want to hold you close
When you are happy my sun shines brighter
When you are in my arms you are always safe
When you wake with me the world is perfect
When you are blue I can wipe away your tears
When you are with me I am a better man
When I have news you are the first one I tell
When I am frightened you are my anchor
When I grow old I always want to be with you.

You my love,
Are my other half,
I need to tell you, that
I love your hands and feet,
I still melt when you look at me.
I thank the skies, the seas and roads,
Because they bring us together,
From round the world. I know
That you are mine and I am
Complete again, with
No missing parts.

I am now less than the sum of all my parts – in pieces

Like bits fell off something stopped working - strange

It’s like I am coming apart at the seams - breaking up

All those parallel things I do every day - disconnected

Hotel was booked for the week before I travel - dumb

One thousand euro lost due to card cloning - careless

Plans change I end up in the wrong place - drowning

People run away and ignore my requests - abandoned

Projects symphony becomes a cacophony - confusing

I feel like Alice going down the rabbit hole - dissociated

Normality is absent now as I spin around - breakdown?

My perception of the world has changed - problematical

I better get someone to glue me back together - quickly

Otherwise I will become invisible and irrelevant – not good

Like a set useless parts with no instructions - disassembled

Today your sunrise is a cold black hole,
The sky-black emptiness burns you blind,
Blue doesn’t care if you’re black or white,
There’s no drug to stop the pain of blue,
Tears are salt and blood is always red.

Tonight your night’s a star-bright stage,
A silver spotlight laser-lights these words,
Blind before the poet works a magic spell,
Tomorrow sunrise red and sky clear blue,
Electric-sharp your new addiction’s buzz.

Living your life in three dimension verse.

Two halves would not be one,
If our paths had never crossed,
And we went our separate ways,
Where would we probably be?

Two halves on different paths,
But we were meant to be,
If not sooner than later, but
Where would we probably be?

Two halves in separate worlds,
Spinning apart never knowing,
They were meant to be one,
Where would we probably be?

Two halves would be unfulfilled,
Because if we’re apart too long,
I feel empty and lost in space,
Where would we probably be?

Two halves of two worlds collided,
When years ago you said yes,
Our worlds are meant to be one,
Where would we probably be?

Two halves became whole, and
The part of our lives apart, is not
Going to be that question of,
Where would we probably be?

Love is two
Love is hello again
Love is a moment in time
Love is needing to be loved
Love is wanting to hold you now
Love is the spark when we touch
Love is two hearts beating as one
Love is the closeness when asleep
Love is curling up so close to you
Love is emptiness without you
Love is waking to your smile
Love is sad when you go
Love is you and me
Love is now.

Every time we close our eyes to opportunity,
Every time we step over a helpless beggar,
Every time we ignore a friend who needs us,
Every time we forget to say goodbye.

Every time we prefer black and white to colour,
Every time we wash our mind with TV soap,
Every time we sit when tempting travel beckons,
Every time we turn the music on to dull.

Every time we bottle rage as if it precious was,
Every time we crush a new idea with sarcasm,
Every time we simply could not care to listen,
Every time we refuse a friends helping hand.

Every time we sleep instead of making love,
Every time we withhold our love as a miser would,
Every time we walk alone instead of holding hands,
Every time we cause pain that a smile could cure-



We die a little every time.

Hot days, cold nights, warm bodies, soft loving
Your sunny smile is the magic in my rainy day
Your gentle touch is the passion in my night
Your total love is the comfort when apart.

Cold days, hot nights, soft bodies, warm loving
Your loving look is the happiness in my life
Your lasting love is the wisdom in my world
Your total trust is the fragile flower that blooms.