i should have fought,
i should have heard
your cries for help
behind your words
i should have stitched
your shattered heart
if only i'd known
just where to start
you carried so
much heavy pain
and now we're left
with all the scars
we loved you so
because you
showed us
who we
really
are

i thought i had forgotten, but really,
you were there the whole time
maybe it wasn't even actually you,
but the idea of you;
a collection of flawless moments
i've been saving up,
playing on repeat

i had a dream about you the other night and i thought
it was no longer possible,
but there you were without warning
and beautiful as ever

it's crazy how someone so angry and confused and depressed
can turn all of that around for themselves,
but in the process,
make everyone around them carry the weight they just shed
from that point on
i wish you'd given some of it to me
even if you gave me all of it,
i know i'd be able to handle it,
but you wouldn't let me see
i want to scream until my throat bleeds
i want to cry until i fall asleep,
but only for every time you had to alone
your oversized heart was my home

never before have i been woken up by my anxiety
never before have i known a sadness so deep
never before could i have imagined this feeling
or the fact that once it hits, it takes the rest of your life to melt away
why couldn't i tell you how special you were to me?
why couldn't i ******* pick up the phone on 4/20?
you're right, i'm nothing,
and you were something i could always count on,
but never took advantage of
someone everyone could depend on if they needed to
you were always there and that's why i couldn't see you
i grew used to your distance and your constant pain
just like i've grown used to my own,
but i didn't know you had grown fed up,
filled with anger and trauma
from those who should have loved you most
there are so many things that were sacred to me
that i can no longer enjoy
and you're at the top of that list

listening to love songs
hoping that i'm not wrong
kissing you goodnight
going back to sleep and dreaming for a week would be so nice
he's in my darkest nightmares,
holding me when i'm scared
the end is all i think of
smiling for the pictures as he wipes off my tears
i know this is real love
...
sitting in his old car
looking up at the stars,
hoping one will fall
getting high and drinking will ease us from this thinking
give me a break
i'm staring into his eyes
now his lips are on mine
this is my heaven
"take me back to your place"
yearning for his embrace
said he'd love me always
...

it's over
and now we'll never speak of it again
at least not to each other or to anyone we know
not to our parents, strangers, or foes
let's get together and not say a single word
at this point, it's best we're both unheard
outside in this eternal sunshine,
we will bask until our skulls house spotless minds
we will lie there with no intention of leaving;
not until both of our hearts have stopped bleeding
only then will we rise and be able to lock eyes
one final time before fleeing

butterflies and moths display their dust proudly and without apology
each speck of the stuff adds new facets of light and color
new dimensions of growth and repose
unlike the snail, these creatures do not carry their homes on their backs,
but rather their stories
a tear in the left wing in memory of rebirthing,
a blur of deep red for all the times that they bled,
and a streak of blue for each time they stayed true
such a short lifespan for a creature that reminds us humans
of the fragility, beauty, and fleeting nature of the life we are given
wearing scars like blue ribbons
and silently departing before we ever get the chance
to appreciate them and their elegant dance

we fell asleep holding hands
you told me you loved me more for the tenth time this week
now i'm weak

we fell asleep holding hands
i listened to your breathing go from calm to complete slumber
woke up to you on tumblr

we fell asleep, legs intertwined
my feet lost all blood flow, but I didn't pull away
because yours were there to stay

we fell asleep, legs intertwined
our minds drifting further into dreams
somehow, you're always closer than you seem

not one word is mine
there's nothing left to say
that hasn't already been said a thousand ways
if someone were to crack open my skull,
quotes of Palahniuk, Salinger, and Plath
would be spinning in a metaphorical blender,
mixing and morphing into a multitude
of depression and life lessons,
wisdom and just plain nonsense
all of which has already been said
i'm exhausted

Bukowski says "find what you love and let it **** you"
and i've done just that
like Snow White and the poison apple,
what was once flashy and alluring and right in front of my nose
has been consumed and is now a masticated pulp fuming rancid
smoke into my lungs
from the deepest pit of my heart
no prince's attempt at true love's kiss can pull me from this coma
i'm in love with the darkness and my enduring hope for light
a light so bright that it will illuminate my veins, my troubled thoughts
will change from knots
into silk chains,
but until then, i'll comfortably rest in my summertime sadness

i've now heard the sound of true love,
incomparable to any other "love" i may have previously encountered
i've felt the real thing, but never been sure
whether love is the drug, the sickness, or cure
its sweet music came to me by way of a fairy
it tapped me on the shoulder and told me to hurry
so there i was, in pursuit of the sublime,
following around a fairy the size of a dime
it leaped on leaves without any trouble
lighter than air, a feather, or bubble
and was able to float around freely
at this point, i thought i was dreaming,
but i kept racing as fast as i could
while the tiny green sprite led me deep in woods
when we got to what felt like the center,
it motioned and told me to enter
confused, i asked it where i should start,
but before i could finish, it opened its heart
quite literally, in fact
with a small key and a lock and a latch
on a door that swung open to reveal
the sound of something that, up until now,
i thought i could only feel
it vibrated through every cell within me
like the heat of a fire scorching the throat of a chimney
it left a scar that is only visible from inside
it stripped me of my ego and overactive pride
it wrapped me up in a tornado of tones
and made a nest in my mind, so i'm never alone
when i hear its call, i know the fairy is near
delivering love from its heart to my ears
and reminding me that there's nothing to fear
except the silence of hatred that can last for years

come near, sweet and trembling child
with skin like the surface of the moon
and a heart that reflects the sun's light twice as bright
you are small, but only compared to your aura
it's a swirling and sparkling cloud of green and blue;
green like the moss on the rocks near the ocean,
and blue like the way your heart feels when it's broken
you've spread yourself thin,
but the world still wants moore
as you sprinkle fairy dust at each stop on your tour
your hair like a tangled nest,
an obsidian mess cascading down
the t-shirt that covers your chest
you give so much and expect much less
to the point where i feel that i must profess
my love and admiration
you've taught me more than just patience,
but humility and compassion too
everything you say is true
that's why i'm in love with you

let's take this whole thing and forget it,
smash in
every crack that has been growing since you left
since you came back,
i've forgotten what minutes feel like
i've forgotten what day it is
i've forgotten the nostalgia that used to make me love you
nevermind

i haven't been able to write lately
haven't been able to place my finger on a single, fleeting emotion
before it is whisked away into nothingness
the vocabulary within me is surely going to waste
as i grasp at straws in attempts to make them grow into beanstalks
these days, i'm not sure if i'm happy or sad,
but the uncertainty is enough to keep me busy for now
i'd rather not know one side more than the other,
but what i do want to be sure of is how you feel about me
i can be the goddess of the sun of your tantalizing universe
or i can be but a speck of dust leftover in a dark recess of your mind
and you can be either of those to me,
but in the end, i'll always prefer warmth over isolation