The demon queen & king of high school
want to:
die
scream
cry
break
kick
leave
not exist

so instead they make others:
feel invisible
leave
get kicked out
spirit break
cry
scream
want to die

it's all just a cover-up
for only the best
because the weak die
and the strong survive

i keep a notebook
this is my notebook
filled with everything
and anything

i write
and i sob
while keeping a straight face
i let my depression speak
my blue pen touches paper
it bleeds through

i keep a notebook
this is my notebook
filled with notes
and snide remarks

i write
and i bite my lip
as my anger takes my place
red over white
he writes in cursive

i had a notebook
it was my notebook
filled with math equations
and reasons to live

i wrote
and i felt
as my emotions took over
as the smoke of burning memories
touches the clouds

i had a rope
and it was my rope
i had an apple tree
and it was my apple tree
i had a life
and it was my life
i had

I wanna change the way I look,
the way I feel,
the way I am.

I've started drawing all over,
my arms,
and legs,
and wrists,
because the blade is no fun.

I'm drinking more water,
clearing my skin,
fixing my appearance.

I get looks,
I get comments,
I get praise.

I do, however,
miss the old me,
that me had more fun.

The old me didn't sleep,
always ate,
never worked out,
played video games,
drew on thier arms,
legs,
face,
body.

The old me is gone,
because everyone else likes,
the new me,
oh so,
very much,
more

do you ever hear
someone call your name
when they need you

but when you call their name
when you need them
you get only silence

you contact them
until they block you
you speak to them
until they say something

then you stop
you fill your part of the conversation
with silence

silence
silence
silence

one day
while your silent
someone asks you to speak
so you do

then you stop
because you get interrupted
spoken over
ignored
told to shush

so you go back
to the silence

the cycle repeats itself
until you die

while the thunder cracks,
and you blow up my phone,
text after text,
you're scared,
you want this to be over,
you wish for silence,
you don't speak a word to me,
the person right next to you.

"you can just say everything your typing"
i don't want to be a bother
"you won't"
...
maybe so
i won't risk it though

text after text
the thunder stops after 20 minutes
your shaking hands cease their fire
on the burning phone
between them

"you alright?"
yeah

you reach for my arm,
then pull back,
then reach again,
hesitate,
hesitate,
hesitate.

you grab my arm,
you don't say anything else,
you're asleep

i want to say 3 simple words
but i wouldn't want to be a bother

I got beat
for getting a D
a nod for a C
an empty "good job" for a B
and a "that's what you should get
every day, all the time,
what do you want? A good job?"
for an A

I couldn't get your approval
After 6 years
I still can't get your approval

So I did something,
to get your attention

I drew blood.
In front of you.
You threw me another knife.
"Is it worth it?"
"Your begging for attention."
So I continued.
Until I passed out.

I woke up.
You screamed.
You slapped me.
You said that was useless.
You said I was mental.

I tried speaking up for myself.
You slapped me again.

No matter what I do.
I will never satisfy you.

why does red,
the color associated with anger,
also the color of passion,
fate,
and love?

asking a child,
one whom has never fell in love,
nor seen true love,
in their existence-

(now you wait little miss,
your parents are in love,
are they not?)

-you'd be wrong to assume,
my mother loved my father,
anymore, that is...

love is dead,
my mother hummed to him,
our love is dead

the words you spit,
cut like knives,
it doesn't hurt,
not yet

the words you write,
about me,
sometimes it makes me think,
you cant cope,
can you?

im trying to help,
you push me away,
you're right,
i don't understand your pain

i'd rather you cry,
and scream and kick,
then play another mind game

you can't tell whats real,
what's fake, what's good,
what's bad,
cause no one can really say

but when your gone,
i hope that can lead me,
the "right" way,
to home.

no matter what,
whether it be over the phone,
in person,
by note,
by mutual understanding,
you will leave.

i ask when you will,
cause i'd like a warning,
before my world,
crashes around me.

i ask if your happy,
do you like me,
am i clingy,
should i be more involved,
am i annoying,
why do you like me,
what's your favorite color,
middle name,
dream,
asperation,
favorite food,
just to hear your voice.

you make me feel secure,
safe,
and alive.

without warning,
leaving me out of the blue,
i'll feel cold,
alone,
and dead,
in a matter of 30 seconds.

my pen hits paper,
my mind spits words,
nothing from the heart,
nothing from the soul,
for I don't have one

is that relatable enough,
to say i'm dead inside,
to say that i'm soulless

i wish to be correct in the word form
but alas
i cannot

There's this boy in my math class
He doesn't talk, he doesn't interact
He sits in the back, to my left
He likes doodling
He spoke to me once
He looked me in the eye once
His eyes are blue
Nice to know

There's this boy in my science class
He doesn't speak, he doesn't socialize
He sits in the back, to my right
He was playing music on his phone once
He likes loud things
Nice to know

There's this boy in my French class
He only speaks in that class
He asks me questions a lot in that class
He called me beautiful in French once
That was nice to hear

There was this boy in my PE class
He wasn't that fast cause he kept up with me
He liked to talk to me in PE class
He liked to talk to me
That was nice to know

There's this boy I knew
He only spoke to me
He didn't socialize without me
That was dependable

There is this boy
Rotting 6 feet underground
He doesn't speak
He doesn't move
He doesn't breathe
That wasn't nice to know

my hands are
red
my lips are blue
yet i'm still
longing for you
cause you made my
heartbeat
more than it used to
now it slowly
s l o w l y . . .
going
away

flat line
i think she's gone by now
i don't know why
we tried

there won't be miracle
to save me now
im gone
g o n e . . .

you
look
  like
   you
    saw
     a
      ghost

I wore a scarf for a year to make my words warm for you
t h a t s  a  l i e  n o  i  d i d n t . . .
i wore your sweater for a month so i smelled like you
j k  y o u  s m e l l  l i k e  c h e e z i t  d u o s . . .
I kissed you while you were sleeping so you would dream of me
a h a h a  y o u  t h o u g h t . . .
I love you
l m a o o o o o o . . .