my chest hurts,

my palms burn.

my fingertips are numb from so many pointless explanations,
things just never get through to you.

i want to suffocate myself
in your chest

but she's already there,

my place is taken.

please,
stop mocking me.

did you mean it when you told me that you loved me? did you mean it when you told me that i'm better than all the rest, all the rest that you pay more attention to? did you mean it when you told me that i was perfect, or pretty **** close? i don't understand what i did wrong, what could have taken you away from me. was it my insecurities? my jealousy? was it the way that i misunderstood your unclear feelings? was it how i loved you, and wanted to be loved in return? that's all i wanted. is she better? does she help you sleep at night too? does she bring those smiles to your face?
i remember when we were talking and you were going through your messages with her,
and you couldn't take that smile off of your face.
should i have caught on earlier that your feelings had changed?
oh, how i wish i did.
i wish i never met you,
never fell for you.
you and your manipulative ways, you and your hateful words and taunts.
you lead me on,
and oh what a great job you did.
i hope they break you like how you broke me.
i hope they make you feel like your stomach is rotting and your skin is peeling,
i hope they make you starve.
because all of this i've done for you,
i've gone through for you.
i've changed so much for you, and worked on all of my indecencies.
i've thrown up meals so that i could have a body that would be easier for you to hold,
but you didn't notice.
you don't care.
you never did.

i'm sorry,
i wish you could have noticed all of these things.
i wish you could have loved me, and not lied to me.*

i wish you would come back to me.

goodbyes are the worst,

especially when they're not said,

when they're silent.

you didn't even give me the chance to apologize for not being good enough,

i thought..
it was okay..

i thought you were okay with where we were at,
but you weren't.

you've moved on and

i don't know what to do anymore.

i have to remove your name from my walls, and my chest.

i have to learn to breathe
   without you holding my hand.

i hope that their hands are warm enough to melt your ice,

i hope that you can bruise their skin and they won't care.

       i'm sorry that i cared

             i'm sorry that i didn't let you bruise me

                   i'm sorry i stood up for myself.

i thought you cared but
   i guess i should have believed my mother when she told me that i have a
'wild imagination'.

someday,

when i'm good enough..

you won't be.

farewell, love.

i heard a poem tonight.
it wasn't long,
and the words were gentle,

but it shook me to the core.
i've never been so
traumatized
by words,
words from strangers.

i've never bitten off all my nails
due to 3 minutes of speech.

this poem reminded me of
you.

you're the one who i think about every night before i sleep,
you're the one who i wish i'll never see again.

your smile
  and your wicked games
    haunt me.

they make me feel sick in my own skin,
they make me feel at loss,
and guilty.

three years is a long time
a long time i wasted
letting you take advantage of me.

letting you?

i fought back, of course.
i would kick,
or threaten to scream,

but your threats were laced thicker,
your manipulations were solid,
   there was no going back.

i remember tearing at my own skin,
and holding my breath,
hoping you wouldn't notice my presence.

you always did.

i remember how happy i was
when you would leave
and how much i dreaded your return.

i didn't have anything,
i was just a shy kid who didn't have a story to tell,

and you were the one everyone listened to.
the one who was always on stage.

ms. perfect would never ****** another child, now would she?

no,

of course not.