You are God's apology
When He made hurt
He made your eyes
And when He made hunger
He made your smile
And when He drenched the towns in sin
He was busy making your heart

You are God's apology
For a world gone wrong
Because the way your hair
Flickers in the wind
Makes everything okay again

In the back seat of Dad’s red Grand Prix
I thought about death for the first time
and if God forgave kids who didn’t believe in him

Eternity was suddenly terrifying,
even in Heaven, an endless celebration
And in the dark, I would be alone, a streak of light
racing through empty space
with nowhere to go but further away

Mom was the first to see me falling to pieces
as I tried to explain the promise of Heaven was scary
like endless flames, and an eternity of nothing was just the same

As a child I ran from fear and hid in a well lit room
But here, as a crumpled heap on the ground, I couldn’t escape
Mom begged me not to be afraid
with a kiss and a therapist’s receipt
She promised peace and beauty in death
as I tore myself apart on the side of the road

they say everyone has a personal hell on earth
will you laugh if I tell you mine is a bathroom
because the peeling white wall and concrete floor
close in and whisper “more more more more”
as I shove a plastic spoon down my throat
salad, carrots and humus, cheerios
unplanned nibbles and a full stomach
send me down the stairs into the quiet empty room
where the window is blurred
just like my eyes
as they fill while I empty
“these are the depths”
I tell myself
this is the place where I find new lows
and just when I think I finally reached rock bottom
the toilet responds with a shovel
“keep digging”
an empty stomach and dead eyes
smiling but only my mouth muscles twitch
an odd sensation, an odd response to the compliment
“you’ve lost weight!”
I am more naked in this prison
than I ever am undressed with nameless boys and forgotten faces
as *** replaces carbs
and more “friends” like my photos on facebook
because I never have to sleep alone
but one minute in my Siberia feels like lifetimes of solitude
that no gently touch
or quick ****
can ever compensate for
where is the key that lets me out?
I’ve searched my esophagus but it only leaves me with ****** noses
it must be somewhere else inside of me
unrelated to the number on the back of my jeans
for I feel it in me
something is telling me to stop
it’s like a lump of innate love
that shakes its head every time I bend over
the demons (my demons) are drowning my mom’s voice
“I pray it gets better” she cries over the phone
but your rosary beads are choking me
because there is no God in this incandescent purgatory
but sometimes
I see myself reflected in the shallow water
which reminds me that I am more
than what I contribute to the sewer system
I leave the bathroom still searching for the light
at the far, far end of the tunnel

packed house
so many faces
your's didn’t stand out
but your hands did
as they found their way into my pants

please don’t look at me like that
I know what you’re thinking
I am quite aware of my appeal
because I’m not pretty but I’m pretty enough
and I’m not skinny but I’m skinny enough
and I’m not innocent
but I’m vulnerable
enough

you said you saw it in my eyes
that I’m really good at fake smiles
and ringing laughter
however this green glass screamed sadness
sadness which you ignored
as you helped me up when I fell over (drunk)

you left and I threw up in my trashcan
which is okay because
the boys that ask to stay scare me more
than the ones who don’t

did I mention
this is my least favorite time of the night?
and no one really knows
that everything festers at 3:37am
it’s not the alcohol that makes my head spin
(I can do that on my own)

while I’ve never been lost in the light
I have drowned in the darkness
so I try to sob softly enough
that the thin walls won’t give me away

my friend told me to deep breathe
in situations like this
but my breath only reminds me of yours
hot and sticky on my naked neck

so I shove the melatonin down my throat
because my Xanax prescription hasn’t arrived yet
and I congratulate myself on not doing coke tonight
one small step at a time right?