This is not a cry for help
I don’t need your sympathy
This is not a battle cry
This is a not a symphony

I’m not asking you to listen
I don’t want you to care
I am lying through my teeth
Living out my worst nightmare

I don’t try
To wear my heart on my sleeve
I won’t cry
Just please won’t you leave
Won’t you leave me to die
Alone

This is not a song about you
I don’t think about you that way
This is not a hymn in church
This isn’t just another day

I’m not asking you to understand
I don’t want you to know
I am shaking all day long
Thinking about our last hello

I never meant
To get this hurt by you
I never sent
That message we both knew
Never leave me to die
Alone

Because I love you

This is just another crumpled note
This is not a song for you
It will never reach your ears or eyes
Even though it is so true

I love you.

Firecracker, in reverse
Like gravity turned on her head
Starting slowly from home
Fading into quickly
Burning bright and colorful
Flying through the wind
As though the sky was home
Bursting forth into being
With explosive force and energy

Laying back on the grass
Watching as the clouds take shape
Melt and reform
Flying through the sky above
I can taste the springtime air
Turning warmer as the wind blows through the trees
Cold water from the mountains courses through the river, swollen and covering the banks
It feeds the trees and plants, like entropy has slowed, the clock turns back while time goes forth
And I empty my words with a voice full of force
Pushing them, shaking violently, and it all explodes at once like a cork from a bottle top
I bellow into the air, to nobody in particular.
“This, this is what I’ve been waiting for!”

It is thoughts and expectations
which bring us pain

In life, we return
to that which hurts us

Whatever makes us sad
we will not forget

I can’t stop thinking
I can’t stop over thinking

Regrets are moments that
remind us how we got to be where we are

I cannot forget the faces
of the people who I’ve hurt

And if I am sad,
what are they feeling right now?

Do they think about me
like I think about them?

Do they spend their nights
returning to suffering?

Do you relive the worst fears
and memories you have like I do?

Or do we suffer because
we cannot return to the good parts?

There were good parts,
but those I am quicker to forget.

My therapist told me

that I need to just keep living

that I will find surrogate parent figures

that somebody will care about me

accept me unconditionally

and help me when I need help

But it ******* tortures me

that my dad is a ******* ******* narcissist

who gets off on being withholding

and my mom is a strong, independent woman

who refuses to stand up to him

and help her own ******* kids

this is not creative writing, or poetry or prose

this is not some late night rant

this is the ******* demon that follows me

this is the ghost that haunts my dreams

this is my ******* waking nightmare

I was born into a chaotic world

and my family didn’t do anything to stabilize it

so my world is constantly spinning out of control

and when it stops,

I can’t even bring myself to trust

the people who love me

or even the ground beneath my feet

because I feel it in my bones

it’s all gonna be ripped away

pulled out from under me

so there’s no hope for hoping

and I’m always in harm’s way

and maybe my therapist is ******* right

and with time things will get better

but right now I can’t sleep

and I want to ******* scream

and I want somebody to hold me

I don’t want to feel like I have to tread water

Constantly moving because if I collapse

or take a break for even a second

that’s it, I’m finished

I have to hold up the weight of my world

and it’s breaking my back

and breaking my heart

and breaking my spirit

And I have so many good friends

and they care about me

But I can hardly find it in me

to care back sometimes

because it hurts when people leave

And often as not, I do the leaving

preemptively, better to hurt than be hurt

but it’s not ******* better

You can tell me it’s gonna be ******* alright

You can tell me it get’s better

But I am still lying in my bed

I feel like I can’t keep this up

this pace, this nonstop pace

I am out of control

I need to get better

I need to find stability

and acceptance

and a place to rest

I have never felt at home

in 20 years, I have never had a home

Just because I have a roof and a mattress

doesn’t make me at home

I take my ******* pills

every **** night

to keep my emotions

from getting too high

or too low

but all I feel now is angry

and scared

that I will be this way

until the day that I die

Constantly searching

trying to find my way home

but it is nowhere to be found

and I feel the ***** rising in my throat

and the tears on my face

I don’t want to be real

I want to be a ******* sitcom character

or an extra in a movie

or somebody in a novel

I don’t want to have to be multi-faceted

Or complex

I just want a few simple things

And I always thought maslow’s hierachy of needs was *******

but maybe he was right and there are basic needs

that I need met

before I can have high self-esteem

but mostly **** that

I accept myself

the good bits and the bad bits

I love them all

even the messy ****

the mistakes I have made

which is a ******* lot

Can you say that?

I just want to be ok

And I want you to know that

I want to share my experiences

And I want to be able to tell people

how I went from here to somewhere better

and that it happens

I ******* hate open ended ****

this whole ******* experience

of living and being human

and nothing resolves

it is constantly changing and developing

well I guess that’s what you ******* get here too

In a single moment
humanity emerges from
the womb; first breath

like the time before time
all is new and white hot
swirling around

the heat and pressure
Behold, a Genesis
man speaks: his world into existence

galaxies set into motion
each of us a god
with our own cosmos

we set the stars in the sky
we are creation
and Creator

In our old age
we reap the benefits
of all we have made
See now, a universe
and it is good

If life is a highway then friends are a three car pileup
Disaster is waiting, but we still drive
Stay in our lanes and try not to get caught

Music on the stereo still ringing in my ears
As I fly through the windshield
Asphalt catching at my skin and ripping through my faded denim jeans

Just broken glass and bent metal holding our bodies
In macabre poses for the morning edition
In other news, everybody goes in the end

But I get up and you get up and the cars keep going by
Like a wreck never happened
And we don’t matter at all

I close my eyes
But I can't close my ears
I still hear you
I hear the silence you leave behind
When you are not around

I try to focus
Can't calm my mind down
To a reasonable speed
All I can do to stop from spinning out of control
Is to breathe in and out slowly

Not knowing how you are kills me
Not talking to you changes my day from bad to worst
In an instant we could connect
But you need to breathe too

Deep breathing
We are caught in the undertow
Heads above water
Why don't we walk on it
Sometimes I imagine that you are right here with me

So many times my mind has wandered off
Letting the shadows on the wall give me hope
I cannot easily define myself
Or my feeling
I don't want to talk about it

I want to write these words out of my system
Flush it out
Flush it all down the toilet
Burn it up
Burn it away
I have had enough of this melancholia

I just want to be needed
I am an addict
Addicted to myself
And also to you

I am shaking
Breaking apart into pieces
The edges are fraying
And I am melting down into a pool
A puddle of loneliness and misery

I should be alright
I am young, so resilient
So tough, I can adapt
Life goes on

But I need you
I write for catharsis
Let it all bleed out
You would understand that
You understand the draw of draining yourself

For a moment of feeling
For a minute of reality
Let the pain set in
Let the world fade out

I am caught up in this
I am so scared of living
Too

Don't throw me away
That is just what I expected
I wanted you to be different
Not abandoning me

I am muttering obscenities
At the top of my lungs
I sometimes wish I was never born
But all of it has been worth it
Even if we are just friends
In the past

That made it worth it
You are that important
I am not saying I won't ever move on
I am not saying you are the best thing that will ever happen to me
Just, you are the best thing yet

Using the words
I
Love
and You
I realize do not matter
Because you already know
That I care and I am there for you
In any and every way

Kissing you, although it would be great
I could not do it
I would not die without it
No matter how much I want it

I am writing this in order to let it out
I will probably make this public
Just because that is my nature
But I do not expect a response
Or even an acknowledgement

Mostly I just need to talk to you
To know you are still alive
Even though it scares you
Even though it scars you

I am so self involved
So self obsesses
But so focused on the negative aspects
I eat myself alive

I am funny
I can write
I am tall
I am a good listener

So I don't want to worry about anything
I do not need to freak out
I don't need the anxiety
But if it comes with you
I would take it
In a heartbeat

In ruins. In tatters. That is what we are.

Tonight.

Tomorrow.

Forever

Ripped up and beaten down.

Tormented but forgiven.

I am not crazy or even headed in that direction

My consciousness is a stream

I catch a river raft and ride the rapids.. White water and we are all going down. Shipwrecked in my mind. Abandoned by rational thought..

This direction is not even a direction. It is several.



"Where do we go from here?" doesn't matter if we can't find where here is.

I’m a comfort ******
And I can’t get enough
I go to extreme lengths
to stay in my bed
the screens light my eyes
but nothing’s there
the food fills me
and I feel alright
numb myself
shooting up
10 episodes
and a bag of candy
nothing feels better
than feeling nothing at all
under my comforter
******* as much as I like
because I’m already ******* myself
no life’s worth living
all pleasure, no pain
sweet dreams
and endless days
blurred into the next
escapism and nothing can hold me
so **** the world
my mattress is an island
and comfort is my drug

I see the skies of life and
Marvel at the sight
I cannot bear the magnitude
Of the atmosphere's embrace
As I fly across the horizon
I strive to express the ineffable
I wish to grasp what nature will only insinuate
To squeeze the juices from the universe
Like the proverbial lemons given to me
I dare to ride the wild skies
Bucking and turbulent
The splendid experience
To which I return again and again
Allowing fear of the unknown to wash over me
Only to tell her I love her
And I do not wish to escape her grip
Which I have known since way back when

There is no more sky
No more blue
Endlessly stretching forth
No more fast clouds or silver linings
No more storms or stars
No more wind in my hair
  There is a six foot barrier
And a velvet lining and a wooden box
Which I can't think outside of anymore

What were we thinking when we started to talk?

Now that we walk to separate paths,

Are things so different?


What did we not understand that night?

Now that the sun has set for good,

Are we so tired?


Were we just young and immature?

Or were we stupid and confused?

The days seem gone too quickly


Safe to say it now that we are not alone

Never really knew what to think anyway

Don’t think anyone does.


Should we question our decisions?

Should we question Fate?

No sir, not me.


No more days outdoors, the air gets in my lungs

My eyes are less open but I still can see

Can anybody really?

I miss you constantly
I miss you more than that, I bet
I miss you even when I’m sleeping
I miss you when I’m sad and my whole body shuts down
I miss you when you died
I miss you when you resurrect
Well I miss you when I die too
And I  miss you when I shiver
I miss you when my mind travels to the moon and back
And I miss you when I’m the only person who exists
I miss you when the rest of the world fades to black
I miss you when I feel the rain on the grass
And I miss you every time I sigh
And I miss you right now
I miss you when I’m restless
I miss you when I’m scared
But most of all I miss you in the moments between dreams and waking when I realize you’re not here with me

I had a dream
I was on a Ferris wheel
It never stopped
Turn after turn
And you were in the car in front of me
And you were just out of reach
Turn after turn
When I was at the top
You were going down
When I was at the bottom
You were going up
Turn after turn

We’re all just flesh and blood and bone and soul
People don’t belong
In boxes till they’re dead
No labels, no promises and no regrets
Grey areas of utter ambiguity that need no defining or clarifying
Just be and let be
We are flesh and blood and bone and soul
When we fall apart, we put ourselves back together
What can a body do alone?
Never was so good at mourning, so we practised forgetting together
First forget the world
Then forget the way things were
I went to the beach at night and the sand was cold and the air was all salt and seaweed
I walked along the shore, barefoot beneath the stars
Thinking about how things change
The cool, rising tide lapping at my feet
Subtle shifts, breaths and glances
Moments and words exchanged
And then nothing is the same
We are just flesh and blood and bone and soul
It’s all we can ever be
All the rest is make believe, the rules that we are taught to follow
Can you remember the Truth we talked about?
I wish I had words to say that could help to ease the pain
But I can’t save anybody and I can’t fix you
And the only thing worth noting is that souls may live on like memories
That flesh and blood and bone may be gone but nobody has to forget

That because I am open
And honest
And hate secrets
That there are no parts of me
That I keep reserved

They are almost right
But there are some hidden things
That I have kept inside myself
Because they frighten me


I may be an open book
But certain pages stick

Perhaps I will share my whole self
Perhaps even those parts
One day

There is no practice
We’re always playing for keeps
And yet knowing that fact
Has never helped me sleep

Etched into the flesh
With the permanency of a tattoo
But it tells another story
Like the medals of bravery soldiers dare not speak of the horrors they survived to earn
You carry them always
They commemorate the struggle
They are dark shooting stars forming constellations of wishes that were never granted
But carry them without shame, without self doubt, without self pity
They are not random marks, but battle scars from the wars that most will never see
You did not deserve them, but you’ve earned a right, the place reserved for veterans, the unspeakable survivors who can share their stories only with each other, often more with glances of emotion than words
Take pride that you have overcome the overwhelming, that you’ve weathered the worst storms and you have come to where you are, wearing scars
They say war is hell and no one really wins but you held back demons who clawed at things much deeper than just skin
Remember for the fallen, they must not have died in vain
Live on in their memory, take victories in their name

I sit, surrounded by soft nature sounds and sights and smells
Soft streams pour into the pond, I see, I smell
The fish frolic, staying under the surface, snapping at flies
Yet underneath it all is something unnatural
Man made, made for man and nature knows not why
Caught in a cage of water and wood, the creatures will exist, ever ignorant in their plight, in their pond
In a flight of fancy, I free the fish, scooping each with net or fist from their watery prison, in the the pond imprisoned, but in my care they are free fish, no cage or cell, I set them free
They frolic on the floor, flipping, flopping, doing the dance of the free

To wrap up

I will end the way that you deserve

Say goodnight to the wishing well

Say hello to the cold pillow

Wake up cold

Follow the ticking sound from in your chest

Someone else will take care of the rest

The future is too bright to look directly at it

Like the rising sun

Remember there is not too much time until it sets

So don't worry and just live

That's why you have one life anyway

I must have fallen in and out of love
a dozen times over the years.
This summer I have seen a few of the girls
who once were the objects of my affection-
albeit idealised versions of themselves
whom I created in my mind
and placed on pedestals-
and spoken with them
as though I never felt a spark of passion.

And perhaps I did not.
So what love have I had that lasted?
None comes to mind.
How is it I fall in love so easily?
I only believe I have not fallen in love at all.

And if I have never loved,
yet felt so strongly for each after the other,
I can only imagine the depths
I might feel one day for you.

Who can say what it is to love?
But I wish to find out;
not to fall in love slowly,
but all at once.
And then all at once again.
Like an ocean's waves,
endlessly washing over me,
I wish to endlessly fall in love with you.
To look into your eyes
with a steady gaze and know,
without hesitation or the faintest doubt,
that I love you in that very moment.  

Because I cannot promise to love you always,
and I cannot say I have loved you always,
but I certainly can say I love you right now.
And what is more honest than to love you in the present tense?
And what more could I give than my entire self, as I am, today?

I feel as though,
I was destined for this.
And if you crush me,
I would be so honoured to be crushed.
If you found another better than I-
and scarcely difficult would that be to do-
there would be no surprise on my part.
But were you to knowingly forgo
the possibility of something better,
to be with me,
there is nothing more than that which I desire.

And I am so very often lukewarm,
not feeling strongly one way or the other.
I would have to say I want for very few things,
if I were honest.
But my strongest and most passionate wish
is to be with you.

You are under my skin
Crawling along my veins
You *******
You perfect person
I don’t remember what it was like before
When I was alone and needed no one
No one but myself
I met you and you made me better
But I can’t go back
You’ve made yourself irreplaceable
And that is unforgivable
Because you can’t make a home out of a person
And I will never be home without you
You shouldn’t casually make somebody love you
But you can’t help yourself
It’s part of the charm
You don’t see how good you are
Too good for me
But never good enough for yourself
You call me impossible
But you don’t see how much you are
How totally unbelievable you are
Though you are everything I need
I will never have you

I’ve always been running
Mostly running away
Fleeing from something
Never felt like there was anything
Worth running toward
Nothing to pursue
Until now
Until you

My head is a blank page,
but it's filling up with notes
all the things I can't help thinking
sing out from my soul
nimble fingers moving
playing out their song
so be my instrument
and make music with me
sing ourselves a sweet lullabye

Indigo echoes blue

The color of the sounds you make

The sweet light waves

Running the horizon

Bouncing off the sky


I cannot control myself

The colors surround me

My perception diffracted

My eyes half open

The glimmer of music


Listen closely

You can see it too

Retain the feelings

Forget the thoughts

Shades of noise

Step one: get very drunk
Repeat step one as needed

Cry for them
Cry for yourself
Cry because you are alone

Now try to move on
Commit to it
Don’t think about them
For three days you didn’t
And then something reminds you of them
Repeat step one

Tell yourself you were never in love
Tell yourself you will never fall in love again
Agonize over everything you think you did wrong
Blame yourself

Get mad
Blame them
Blame god

Repeat step one with friends
Repeat step one alone

It has been a month and they haven’t crossed your mind
And then you run into them
And you’re fine
And you are free

Now fall in love with somebody else and do it all over again

Monday, I wake and think of you
Tuesday, I approach you with caution
Wednesday, we meet for coffee
Thursday, we fall for one another
Friday, we’re in the throes of passion
Saturday, you’re feeling sorrow and regret
Sunday, you forget my name
Monday, I wake and think of you

Do you notice the dichotomy
In which I want to hold you closer
The only way to warm ourselves
Is to make our bodies into fire
I want to grab you rudely
Abruptly kiss your lips
I am burning with a passion
But frozen still in place
I love you more than life itself
Lets ignore both cold and pain
And prove now to ourselves
That life is in the moment
And love is in the night

you ever feel like we’re too connected?
like everything is so crowded and jammed up that we don’t notice each other
the little things, the stop to smell the roses moments pass us by
and we are rushing from here to there
to and fro
ants in an ant farm
squished unknowingly up against the glass

the sun glares down
like a hungry beast
we scurry into our holes and hideouts
communicating in ones and zeros
but always missing the point

we seek meaning and passion and excitement
but complain we have no courage
our lives move and move like rafts on the Mississippi
But I had better things to do than read Huck Finn

hours of mindless entertainment
and then no inspiration
endless desert of desperation and depression
hop from one city to the next
no end in sight

run from problems
hide from anything that could make life exponentially better
callous and fearless and crude
joking about life and death to cope with grief

take everything for granted
burn bridges, never let them see you cry
let the status quo control you
go to college, get a job
don’t be a burnout, dropout, failure

let them define happiness
and let them measure my success

overweight
sunburned
living in a garage
if that’s not success

I don’t know what is

the adolescent american dreaming of easy money

can’t even drive a car

I need glasses and new pants
bought running shoes
but I’m only running from my problems

bury my anger and depression
nervous laughing
crack a joke, as long as you don’t crack
you’re fine


talk about your goals
but only half-heartedly pursue them
like a cop who wants the donuts more than the punks he chases

I want a wife, a life, of happiness with kids and a house
a degree and income
talk about religion and philosophy
read books, but never bother to finish

inconsistent, and never complete
talk when you don’t know what you’re saying
never admit “I don’t know”

count your friends on one hand
but don’t let it know what the other hand’s doing
my mind has a mind of its own
I never bother to follow through
like a tree that is uprooted by the storm
struck with wanderlust I fly away

The quickest way to fall apart
Is to pick up the broken pieces of yourself
So we hold ourselves together
And we climb out of our beds
Every morning, we arise and meet the day
Holding our guts in our hands
Wearing scarred hearts on our sleeves

The hardest things in life
Are the little ones
But a thousand pinpricks bleed us dry
And the moments move so swiftly
We feel the pressure in our skulls
Listening to the voices of our fears and doubts
Anxieties clawing to get out

The strongest ones I know
Are the ones who had to fight alone
Nobody else could see their demons
Or carry the weight of the world
Which rested squarely on their shoulders
Dying would be so easy a thing for us
Living well is the real challenge we must face

The bitter taste of loneliness
And a thirst that’s never quenched
Even when I drink up the sun and moon and stars

I am the captain of my ship
I sleep alone amongst the child of a hundred trees
My vessels groans at sea

And the stormy water seeks to drown
But the rain is lovely
And the salt spray will not take me

I seek to find a place where I am safe and sound
But I am adrift for now
Mutinous and cosmic life

The sun and moon and stars stare down
They keep me company
And assure me that I am not alone

I looked up at the moon
She had wasted away
She was crying, her tears splattering with a rhythmic pitter patter on my roof

As I lay in my bed, watching her cry,
She wrapped herself in clouds
Perhaps a veil of mourning

A few nights later, the sky was empty, black but for little bits of light poking through from far away

But the next night, I looked up
She was there, barely there,
But she was gaining strength
Becoming her old self again
Each night she grew stronger and fuller until she was the only thing in the sky, filling the horizon
She shined brightly
I could see her
And I could hear her humming, her song whistling through the branches of trees, tapping a beat on my window pane, singing me to sleep

Oh the moon, she comes and goes
But every night I see her
Sometimes she grows brighter
Sometimes she shrinks into herself
But every night she is beautiful
And everyday I wait for night to come so I may see her

Have you ever had something heavy on your chest,
Or run out of air in your lungs before you reached the surface?
Have you ever seen a storm rage from inside the eye?
Have you ever felt like you were running as fast as you could but not going anywhere?
Do you feel like destroying yourself, and do you want to start over?
Do you wake up in the mornings and find yourself utterly dissatisfied with being awake?
Have you ever wanted to just run away from your problems,
Or have you wanted to ignore them till they go away?
Have you ever been told that it gets better and not believed it?
Have you ever wanted to-

My mouth tastes sick and sour
Like fear and *****
The nausea comes and goes in waves
I am afraid the night will pass,
But no relief will come
I am the seashore,
Worn down by endless misery
And I would sooner be a desert:
Dry and empty
Than filled with such pain and sorrow
Not for one minute more

I am selfish
I do not wish to share my bed
To share a toothbrush
My morning ritual, coffee and a shower
I do not wish to share my life
I do not wish to fall in love

But I will
And I will share heartbreaking fears
And secret desires
And mine will become ours
And I will become we
And it will get easier to share
Love will make me wish it so

Sometimes I wish
That my nightmares came true
Because even my bad dreams
I get to be with you
There ain't nobody on this side
Of the whole ******* world
Who can kiss it better
And even on this side
There ain't too many girls
That I'd even let try to
So just live in the pain
We can never outrun it
It's such a disaster
A real crying shame
Everybody runs
But no one gets away
I just want to see you
There's only one way
I just want to feel this
And remember to breathe
I don't know what I'm saying
I just know I can't leave
I promised to be there
Through the thick and through thin
You know that I do care
Is that such a sin?
No more goodbyes now
And please no more tears
I really just love you
And that's nothing to fear

Nostalgia tastes bitter in the back of my throat
The memories mingle on the tip of my tongue
Let the old poisons seep out of my pores
The endless catharsis of reminiscing

I choke up a little remembering when
The tears well up in the corners of my eyes
I am cold and hot and a bundle of nerves
I can feel the forgotten feelings

It crawls under my skin and wriggles
I can sense the floodgates opening
The night awakens antique ghosts
I dream a dream of ancient history

Goodbye to the blackest moonlit sky
Goodbye to the pen and white paper
Goodbye to nostalgia bitter and grey
Goodbye to insomnia as sleep takes me