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Hudson Everett Sep 2013
I am shaking and sweating.

I lay in my bed. I feel completely overwhelmed.

I don’t know how to handle my situation.

For so long I felt like I was holding a breath underwater.

I thought it would all be ok when I made it to the surface.

Now that I have, I realize there is still a long swim to the shore.

It is not ok yet. I am not fine.

I feel like throwing up, like putting my fist through a wall.

Like crying.

Like swearing.

Like spitting and scratching.

I feel like there is no way to not feel this way.

I feel like I am caught up in a current and it will sweep me away.

It would be easier to just let it.

So much easier to just be dragged under.

I feel like screaming.

Like kicking.

Like digging in my heels.

Or like going limp.

The stress is getting to me in ways you would not believe.

I have no release.

No escape.

My soul will not be soothed.

This is so frustrating, this, life.

I can’t quit.

I have to keep going. The option of giving up isn’t even there for me.

I don’t feel ready.

I don’t feel adequately prepared.

I feel resentful.

I feel spiteful.

I feel angry and sad and sick to my stomach.

Like nothing is ever going to make sense, and how funny it is that it all seemed so clear.

My head is pounding. My eyes are red and puffy.

All I can do is write and sleep.

I am helpless right now.

Emotionally worn down to nothing.

Unshielded.

And I don’t like feeling this way.

Feeling like my armor can be pierced.

Like I can be defeated.

Like it is all too much.

I don’t like it and I don’t know how to deal.

I don’t know what to do.
Hudson Everett Aug 2013
Everybody I knows grows up hearing that they’re special
Like just being born, earns them some kinda metal
But I’m mental, and now I’m 20 years old flipping burgers
And it’s ******
Only thing round here that’s the special is the sauce
Everyday I show up and get yelled at by my boss
Because I was two minutes late
or my uniform was misplaced
or he just likes getting red in the face
And I took the bus here
Homeless dude next to me vomits
Now I gotta clean myself off
What goes around comes around
Like a comet

Yeah, I wish that I knew it when I was younger
I’m not special, not gonna cure world hunger
Stop war, world peace, I’m no boy wonder
Got nothing special to say
Just a place to stay and bills to pay
Nothing left to do today
Can’t afford a better way
Because I’m underpaid
Minimum wage needs a ******* upgrade
Hudson Everett Apr 2013
You are part of a pattern
The cosmos reflects humanity
Humanity reflects the cosmos
It tells a grand story
Indifferently, infinitely
And all at once
It is a shame that
Seeing what’s coming
Does not mean you
can always change it
If you were just a little better
You could have everything you want
When we die, we become the universe
No longer living for ourselves
And in ourselves
Our flaws recede into
Pushed back memories
We are just recollection,
Specks of data in
The grander pattern
mankind,  the counterfeit gods
Who think themselves
Omniscient and omnipotent
The universe is in your eyes
And you too,
Shall pass
Hudson Everett Jul 2013
A man walks into a bar
He sits down at a table and sobs violently
He takes out his hunting knife and begins to carve words into the wood
This is what he writes:

There is no point in a suicide note
I am the last survivor
I have wandered in desolation for five years and found nothing but destruction and the ravenous creatures
Empty shells, a hungry remnant of humanity
I suppose if there is life out there, one day this may be found and it will be an explanation and a monument of sorts
These crude etchings, an echo of ancient times
It is not for me, but for all of us
We killed ourselves, this so called human race
Now with the last of my life, I write
How foolishly, I waste myself on chronicling my journey to my journey’s end, how human it is
Because I exist, I am “in myself and for myself" but my philosophies will die soon
I am the last heat in a dying coal, the exhalation of a dying man, and so as I cease to exist, humanity goes extinct.

He finished writing, and felt his leg
The open wound left blood on his hand
He checked,
one left,
cold metal on his temple
He grimaced,
and with a big bang,
the world ends
Hudson Everett Jul 2013
Two people can feel so inadequate
But often they are good enough
And what’s more
Good for each other
The human condition
To be fearful and worried and insecure
The survival based instincts
That keep us emotional scavengers
It can be overcome
Optimism may be embraced
By those who try
But it often takes two
It is not good to be alone
We work best together
Some powerful synergy
Allows us to be so much more
Than as individuals
We ever could be
Or ever were
This is the beauty of the human experience
We can refine ourselves and redefine ourselves
The pain becomes creativity
The fear becomes love
The struggle becomes enjoyment
All of the negativity can be reversed
And what was old and used up can become new again
We can remake the world
Hudson Everett Nov 2013
God cursed me with foresight and empathy
I know the pain that will be felt
And I get to see it coming
Like looking down the barrel of a rifle
And the pain shoots straight into my chest

I'm going to fall in love
I'm going to feel the force,
the full weight of emotion

I have a gift
Connecting words
Sewing stories into tapestries
I can write the future
And I dye it with ink

You can see something in the way the light hits each individual word
Intricate and hurried but never rushed
You see my story
You see where the lines are crossed
Where paths intertwine and diverge

Never were there deeper wounds
Than those cut by keen insight
Those are they which cannot be healed with time or love
Only held together by hope
Bandaged by the courage to persevere
Hudson Everett Nov 2013
I do not wish to exist,
But others wish me to exist.
I know,
And I know I will want to exist in the morning.

It is both sad and lovely
To write these words here for you
It is a good thing
A noble thing
To write my pains for your pleasure

I do not wish to be how I am
I know I could be better
And I know I will be better in the morning

I'm a little drunk
And more than a little lonely
Because my sorrows taste like honey
When I filling up my cup for the fifth time

I do not wish to say these things
I wish I understood myself
I know that I am becoming something
But I wish I was sure what that was
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
If you want
I can haunt
You even when
I'm gone
You will hear
The echo
Of my song
It will guide you
You will find me
Somewhere out there
And I swear
If you ever
Tell me to go
I'll be gone
Disappear forever
No more echoes
No more songs
I would leave you
Oh to please you
I would be there
I would die
There is nothing
I won't do
Anything
I'll do for you
Hudson Everett Mar 2013
starry eyed lovers
looking for
blurry eyed lovers
no sleep
wide eyed lovers
so late

coffee and cigarettes
*** and romance and
reading each other poetry
from old books
laughing and talking until 4 am
and not giving a ****

growing old and grey together
knowing all the secrets and flaws
that make you, you
and me, me

holding each other close
while the storm rages
and the raindrops dance on the roof
and the windows light and shake with each thunderclap
and the cold creeps in
but it can’t get to us because
we have each other for warmth

secrets and jokes that nobody else
shares but us
and nothing can keep us apart
because it is you and me
against the world
fighting back to back
to keep things alright
staying sane for each other
Hudson Everett Oct 2013
Trust me
I know how it feels
To be surrounded by the people who say they love you
But the pain they cause
Is proof enough for me
Love shouldn't leave me feeling empty
Like I have nothing left to give
Or live for
Fear none, fear me
Come one, come all
And see the misfits in all their glory
Misery and company
And spent nights alone
Then glare back at the TV
Something is staring out at me
Like the stars I gazed at
When I was younger
But no more looking back
I grew up without roots
So now I wander free
And spend my days
Wondering about the forests that I see
What it's like to love your friends and family
Hudson Everett Oct 2013
In the daytime I can spin my story
Tell myself I am satisfied being alone
I have friends
I am not lonely
I have purpose

But the nighttime comes and my doubts slink in
Whisper small eternities
I am alone
I am unloved
I am without

Why does the sunlight banish these darker thoughts?
Why do they return to me as I lay in my bed?
If I wake, cheerful and empty of regret
Tomorrow comes and I am unafraid
If I  face the day undaunted
Nightmares will welcome me home
Still I face the night as well
Until the time the two are one
The night illuminated or
The day encapsulated in shadow
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
i can't be sure.
it's schrodinger's kiss,
the curse,
the uncertainty of it being
both right and wrong
until it's done
Hudson Everett Mar 2013
I am tired
tired in my soul
tired of being

I am sorry
for what I am
and for that I am

The soulful weary feeling
is worse than the weariness
that sleep can cure

I often wonder
if it would be a kindness
to end humanity

Existing in our state
the modern world
we are all tired

We are worried
and bound to the worry
slaves of our anxieties

To be alive
is to be caught up in thinking
and embroiled in problems

The thoughts stop
only in sleep
or death
Hudson Everett Apr 2013
Must love be a punishment?
I stand on the  and
with all myself discipline I can muster
I hold myself back from falling
From feeling
The emotions pull,
Your beauty tugs
my heart follows
Drunk on your Siren’s call
The feelings overwhelm
Hesitation dissipates  
Then, the fall

And now I’ve sunk
The ship slips away
the waves break and
I drown in you
I gasp for breath
Look at the stars
As the night fades
from my sight
I'm in too deep
And feelings fade
I am numb,
All there is, is you
and so I end
Hudson Everett Mar 2013
I wish I was stupid
That I didn’t notice all the pain around me
That I was not a keen observer and deep feeler
I wish that I had a low IQ like broccoli
Laying in the hospital bed, a vegetable
My parents deciding when to pull the plug, “At least he will go to heaven.” They might say

I wish I had the stomach to point to a star in the sky or pick up a grain of sand from the shore and believe that the one in infinity chance was good enough. “I am right. This will save us. It is the best star, the best grain of sand. Truer than all the others. I believe. Improbability be ******.”

I wish things were simple
That I did not feel special, or exempt from the rules of reality
And that I could sleep without nightmares and live without retreating to daydreams.

I wish I was not a cynic
And a pessimist
That I could still hold onto hope
And find beauty even in the harshness and pain

I wish that my faith could be stronger
My belief could be surer
I wish I could not feel the way I do
That I could know love
And find happiness
And accept myself how I am

I wish things would resolve
But like this poem…
Hudson Everett Jul 2013
There is a saying “Those who hesitate are lost"
Another says “Good things come to those who wait"
But isn’t hesitating the same as waiting? So do good things come to those who are lost?

How about this one “Quitters never win and winners never quit"
But also we were told “Quit while you’re ahead"
I want to win, but I’m doing well. So do I walk away or stay? Not sure, I can’t really tell.

What’s the difference? Saying this and that. The contradictions and mixed emotions and cliche bad advice. Isn’t it swell? It’s so nice.
I will wait but I won’t quit. I’m at a loss for why I’d walk away. And I am winning, never losing, getting good things, all in good time.
Here’s some sound advice, forget the stupid sayings. And just say you’re staying.
Hudson Everett Nov 2013
I’d make an awful stargazer
While you looked up at the sky
I would gaze at you
And wonder at the universes
Which lay behind your eyes
Hudson Everett Mar 2013
I trust strangers more than friends and family
Because strangers never stay,
Which means they never leave.
And if my home is where my heart is
Am I homeless or just heartless?
It seems like nothing’s working,
And forever ended weeks ago.
I am running out of time
By lying in my bed;
I sleep and dream awake
Thoughts go through my head
For hours and hours
Time is flying by.
No sleep comes near to me
And I am lying all alone
In the darkness I call my home.
I just wanted something solid
Something to call my own.
Hudson Everett Jul 2013
It struck me suddenly
The sinking feeling
That I know so little about you
The tip of the iceberg is all
The ship can see from the surface

But I am not afraid of sinking
The descent into
The depths of knowing you
The unrevealed parts of yourself
That I might discover and explore
Hudson Everett Apr 2013
I cannot help but to feel deeply
“It’s not a crime” you say
Some call it a gift
And a gift it is
Only feels like a curse
When what I feel is pain
Your pain, their pain
It is all my pain
The curse of empathy
Of sensing emotion,
Seeing particles of
joy and misery
floating through the air.
And it pours into me
I pour it back onto the pages
of beaten, torn up journal
Ink and blood mix on
the white canvas
Sketching out picture
of your fears and failures
The recesses of your mind
You’d thought you’d hidden well
But I can see
Hudson Everett Mar 2013
There is a place where you can find everything except what you are looking for

We have snacks that will make you gassy for your first date

CD players that only skip when the song you love comes on

Seeds that grow into roses that smell lovely only when you are in too much of a hurry to appreciate their perfume

We have the book that comes next after the one you can’t find time to read

A brand of cola that will give you hiccups everytime

A box of stale Life on sale for just three cents more than you have on you

This is the one and only Inconvenience Store

Never closed, you’re always welcome but the

Coupons expire right when you get to the door

We have the most delicious hot coffee that you will always spill

The local newspaper for a town you’ve never heard of

And the gallon of milk you were supposed to get but it expired yesterday

We used to have a poster of Murphy’s Law hanging on the wall

But the store burnt to the ground

We rebuilt it even bigger than before

Now people are calling it Life

But I still remember it as the Inconvenience Store
Hudson Everett Oct 2013
Feels like you have a grip on my heart
And I have somehow pulled free
But the shadows of your fingerprints remain
And I move on and try to move forward
Please retire your bedsheets and leave me alone
I did not sign up to be haunted
You turned out to be not what I thought
And everything I never wanted

I woke up this morning
And your were on my mind
So I wrote this poem
And it’s all about you,
Every word
Every line
You’re a natural disaster
But sometimes I still wish you were mine

If I can’t forget you
I’ll sweep you under the rug
With the rest of my mistakes and regrets
But I don’t want to remember
The way that I felt
The way that you still make me feel
Because how can it get better
If nothing is changing?
I’ve tried everything
I don’t know what else to do
So I cut all our ties
Set our bridges on fire
Walked away without looking back
And sighed with relief
Because I went a day without thinking of you
I wrote this for a friend
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
This is real
This is real
I do not merely imagine these feelings
I am not some bourgeois housewife
Falling into the pattern
Coffee in the morning with the paper
*** every other Thursday night
Don't forget to pack their lunches
I will not be the moonless nights
When I can feel the sunshine
Playing music on my skin
I am under the influence of affluence
I cannot buy myself what I need
Yet I fight on for this feeling
And let the blood all spill
Hudson Everett Mar 2013
Alone the mirror,
Cracked and ugly
Stares blankly at nothing
Waiting for a face to draw upon
For images protruding
From behind my glassy eyes
Reddened without sleep
Speak softly to the morning me
And tell of unwanted future’s plan
I recklessly endanger hope
For self-satisfying ambitionless wishes
Defying optometry, optimistically,
I see beyond the pleasant and mundane
Hudson Everett Jul 2013
If I had my way, I’d pack my bags and never look back twice
Life can’t be constantly running
The friction wearing down my soul
I must find solace
I must find escape
I must find peace
I must find my way

I am so tired if the turmoil within
The constant struggle
The raging storm
The never ending tug of war
Does the journey end or isn’t a journey?
I would have my rest
But perhaps there is none
No stopping
No slowing
Keep running
Keep going


I will carry on
Continue with the life I live
Perpetually in motion
Hoping for a moment’s reprieve from the chaos within and without
It may have to be enough
That I am not alone
That there are others like me
Knowing the same trials I have known
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
I break myself against your walls again and again
I'm washed up on the shore
like a seashell from the ocean floor
Why are you listening?
I crash into you again and again
I'm a thousand grains of sand
and I'm clinging to your hand
How long can you hold me off?
I will wear you down again and again
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
The aftertaste of coffee
Is a lot like the taste of regret
I take pleasure in letting the bitterness steep
As I roll it around on my tongue
Careful not to let it escape as sigh
Or a puff of cigarette smoke
I let it saturate my lungs
As I inhale nostalgia
Searing my throat and scarring tissue
Fill my days with cheap alcohol
And nights with missed opportunies
For love or bad ***

But happiness that is a different thing
The first taste of coffee with cream and sugar
The sickly sweet scent of burning tobacco
Filling me with memories of ghosts
The third drink and the first time I met her
Before it all went wrong

It is all part of the experience
The good and the bad
Happiness leads to regret
But that never stopped me before
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
Alone




Echo.




Alone



Alone.



That is true enough.


I don't like it.....

I want to find happiness. It only comes in packs of two. Who can I share it with?

Not her. Not her. Not her. Not you. Not her. Why not her?

Fill. Dig, and fill again.

Holes so deep. Six feet down.
Holes so deep. Beyond the sound.

Alone. Together. But always alone. Never alone. Never together.

Listen, even now. We are together. You see this. You feel what I feel.

My heart beats. It beats. On and on and on.

Like a drum. Like hummingbird wings. Pulsing and racing.


Slow down. Slow down. Slow Down!!!!!!

There are no brakes. There are no breaks.


Alone. Alone. Alone. We feel like we are forgotten. Strewn aside. Unloved and unwanted.

Sorry for wanting more. Sorry for wanting what I want. Sorry for having a heart. I know that it was hidden for so long. But it is here now. Here. Hear. Hear it, hear it beat.

Sorry for being a constant. Sorry for always changing but never leaving. I will always be here. I will drop anything or anyone for you. Anytime. If you would just call my name. Just say you want me too. I am yours.

Sorry that we are alone.
Hudson Everett Apr 2013
I see a sign on the floor
It says “caution.”

But I am sick of being careful
of calculating each
    word, each
              action.

Too much thought goes into everything
I do, and overthinking makes
  living feel a lot like dying.
Like wasting away the precious
gift of time, moments crumpled
like poems I never want to
see the light of day.

Move. Move.
Feel. Be.
Be alive.
Makes mistakes.
Share theshitty art.
Be a friend. Be a lover.
but do not be afraid.
And most of all
  do not be wasteful.
You only have so much time..
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
they say "love your neighbor as you love yourself"
but what if I don't love myself?
so should I stop loving everybody else, too?
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
Do you ever like to play at danger in the comfort of your own home?

Make the fear feel real, make sure to try this at home.
Hudson Everett Aug 2013
**** and cigarette smoke mingles with exhaust and the smell of cooking food
The homeless and the elite businessman walk side by side with tourists and hipster girls, and so few stop and stare, to gawk at the urban sprawl of the city, regally scraping at the cloudless sky, fingers hoping to grasp at god
The trolley bell, the scream of distant sirens, the shuffling of feet scraping the ***** sidewalk, the hydraulic hiss of brakes, the music of construction workers pounding and making and fixing, the blare of traffic horns and laughter and serious conversations of passersby in so many voices and tongues all combine like some cosmic tune, a discordant harmony that speaks to the very nature of city life
I feel the wind blowing through my hair as it carries pigeons and trash and the branches of the trees wave their greeting to the people, a friendly universe choked by stone and asphalt and metal shapes, but life will not be constrained, and so the city prospers and we go on and on, not as cogs in some machine, but cells in a body, growing, changing and shaping the whole
Hudson Everett Aug 2013
I am constantly going over the edge
beating on and on
pouring myself out
throwing myself on the sharp edges
that wait for me below
And sometimes I carry you over
and you fall too
dashed to bits
with such great forces
I am on the edge
and falling and
hitting rock bottom
all at once
And you are in me
and on top of me
and under me
and struggling
and surrendering
I watch as you are carried away
the drops fall
the torrent flies from my lips
the undeniable rush
And you are gone
forever
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
Let me tell you something
She is beautiful and smart and talented and creative
And I have had fun every time I've been with her
But I could go the rest of my life without
Seeing her
Hearing from her
Thinking of her
And I can't say the same for you
It has been months
And I should be completely over you
But I'm not
I don't really want to be

Don't you know I care too much
To ever let you go?
I can't tell you that I love you
No matter how lovely you are
I couldn't bare to lose you
And I'm getting kind of scared
That you'll hate me
And leave me bleeding out
On my kitchen floor
Hudson Everett Oct 2013
I’m drunk, and only getting drunker
Like the days ahead are only getting darker
Please don’t let the lights go out

If you see this, I am speaking to you
Directly to YOU
Yes YOU!
I want you to know I forgive you
I want to forgive myself
But I never do
I love you
More than I love me
And some days I wish I never met you
That I could reach into my brain
And pull the strands of you out
So many bits of memory
And then forget you

Look at me
I am a mess
I am anxiety
I am the unfolded clothing shoved in drawers
I am the dust you can’t reach on the ceilings of your mind
I am the galaxy born from the disastrous explosions in your eyes
I am the first love
I am the park bench you last saw me on
I am an embrace after twenty years gone by
I am the funeral that buries all emotion
I am what keeps you from being okay

Play it
Play the song
Hear it
Ringing
Bit by bit
In your ear
In your heart
Beating
Humming
Singing
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
just because it would be a disaster
doesn't mean we shouldn't try
and see what happens

so what if we do crash and burn?

it will be lovely to go down
in flames with you
Zoe
Hudson Everett Sep 2013
Zoe
you are the shiver down my spine
the sinking feeling in my stomach
the stone that trips me up

you are the one that got away
but is still right here

you are the one I can’t get over
you are the one I can’t get back

you are the wind I’m grasping at
the dream I am already forgetting
but the feeling sticks around

you are the one I’ve always wanted
you are the one I’ve never had

you’re the best thing that ever happened
and the worst I’ve ever known

I don’t love you
It’s just lust
I tell myself so I can sleep
I have no feelings left inside me
nothing left to give to you
I poured myself out
now I’m empty
wish that you would bring me back

— The End —