just because it would be a disaster
doesn't mean we shouldn't try
and see what happens

so what if we do crash and burn?

it will be lovely to go down
in flames with you

Alone




Echo.




Alone



Alone.



That is true enough.


I don't like it.....

I want to find happiness. It only comes in packs of two. Who can I share it with?

Not her. Not her. Not her. Not you. Not her. Why not her?

Fill. Dig, and fill again.

Holes so deep. Six feet down.
Holes so deep. Beyond the sound.

Alone. Together. But always alone. Never alone. Never together.

Listen, even now. We are together. You see this. You feel what I feel.

My heart beats. It beats. On and on and on.

Like a drum. Like hummingbird wings. Pulsing and racing.


Slow down. Slow down. Slow Down!!!!!!

There are no brakes. There are no breaks.


Alone. Alone. Alone. We feel like we are forgotten. Strewn aside. Unloved and unwanted.

Sorry for wanting more. Sorry for wanting what I want. Sorry for having a heart. I know that it was hidden for so long. But it is here now. Here. Hear. Hear it, hear it beat.

Sorry for being a constant. Sorry for always changing but never leaving. I will always be here. I will drop anything or anyone for you. Anytime. If you would just call my name. Just say you want me too. I am yours.

Sorry that we are alone.

I am shaking and sweating.

I lay in my bed. I feel completely overwhelmed.

I don’t know how to handle my situation.

For so long I felt like I was holding a breath underwater.

I thought it would all be ok when I made it to the surface.

Now that I have, I realize there is still a long swim to the shore.

It is not ok yet. I am not fine.

I feel like throwing up, like putting my fist through a wall.

Like crying.

Like swearing.

Like spitting and scratching.

I feel like there is no way to not feel this way.

I feel like I am caught up in a current and it will sweep me away.

It would be easier to just let it.

So much easier to just be dragged under.

I feel like screaming.

Like kicking.

Like digging in my heels.

Or like going limp.

The stress is getting to me in ways you would not believe.

I have no release.

No escape.

My soul will not be soothed.

This is so frustrating, this, life.

I can’t quit.

I have to keep going. The option of giving up isn’t even there for me.

I don’t feel ready.

I don’t feel adequately prepared.

I feel resentful.

I feel spiteful.

I feel angry and sad and sick to my stomach.

Like nothing is ever going to make sense, and how funny it is that it all seemed so clear.

My head is pounding. My eyes are red and puffy.

All I can do is write and sleep.

I am helpless right now.

Emotionally worn down to nothing.

Unshielded.

And I don’t like feeling this way.

Feeling like my armor can be pierced.

Like I can be defeated.

Like it is all too much.

I don’t like it and I don’t know how to deal.

I don’t know what to do.

Indigo echoes blue

The color of the sounds you make

The sweet light waves

Running the horizon

Bouncing off the sky


I cannot control myself

The colors surround me

My perception diffracted

My eyes half open

The glimmer of music


Listen closely

You can see it too

Retain the feelings

Forget the thoughts

Shades of noise

This is not a cry for help
I don’t need your sympathy
This is not a battle cry
This is a not a symphony

I’m not asking you to listen
I don’t want you to care
I am lying through my teeth
Living out my worst nightmare

I don’t try
To wear my heart on my sleeve
I won’t cry
Just please won’t you leave
Won’t you leave me to die
Alone

This is not a song about you
I don’t think about you that way
This is not a hymn in church
This isn’t just another day

I’m not asking you to understand
I don’t want you to know
I am shaking all day long
Thinking about our last hello

I never meant
To get this hurt by you
I never sent
That message we both knew
Never leave me to die
Alone

Because I love you

This is just another crumpled note
This is not a song for you
It will never reach your ears or eyes
Even though it is so true

I love you.

I close my eyes
But I can't close my ears
I still hear you
I hear the silence you leave behind
When you are not around

I try to focus
Can't calm my mind down
To a reasonable speed
All I can do to stop from spinning out of control
Is to breathe in and out slowly

Not knowing how you are kills me
Not talking to you changes my day from bad to worst
In an instant we could connect
But you need to breathe too

Deep breathing
We are caught in the undertow
Heads above water
Why don't we walk on it
Sometimes I imagine that you are right here with me

So many times my mind has wandered off
Letting the shadows on the wall give me hope
I cannot easily define myself
Or my feeling
I don't want to talk about it

I want to write these words out of my system
Flush it out
Flush it all down the toilet
Burn it up
Burn it away
I have had enough of this melancholia

I just want to be needed
I am an addict
Addicted to myself
And also to you

I am shaking
Breaking apart into pieces
The edges are fraying
And I am melting down into a pool
A puddle of loneliness and misery

I should be alright
I am young, so resilient
So tough, I can adapt
Life goes on

But I need you
I write for catharsis
Let it all bleed out
You would understand that
You understand the draw of draining yourself

For a moment of feeling
For a minute of reality
Let the pain set in
Let the world fade out

I am caught up in this
I am so scared of living
Too

Don't throw me away
That is just what I expected
I wanted you to be different
Not abandoning me

I am muttering obscenities
At the top of my lungs
I sometimes wish I was never born
But all of it has been worth it
Even if we are just friends
In the past

That made it worth it
You are that important
I am not saying I won't ever move on
I am not saying you are the best thing that will ever happen to me
Just, you are the best thing yet

Using the words
I
Love
and You
I realize do not matter
Because you already know
That I care and I am there for you
In any and every way

Kissing you, although it would be great
I could not do it
I would not die without it
No matter how much I want it

I am writing this in order to let it out
I will probably make this public
Just because that is my nature
But I do not expect a response
Or even an acknowledgement

Mostly I just need to talk to you
To know you are still alive
Even though it scares you
Even though it scars you

I am so self involved
So self obsesses
But so focused on the negative aspects
I eat myself alive

I am funny
I can write
I am tall
I am a good listener

So I don't want to worry about anything
I do not need to freak out
I don't need the anxiety
But if it comes with you
I would take it
In a heartbeat