You are one man
Human
Your blood runs like mine
Your heart beats normally
Despite the fact it doesn't work at all

You have ten fingers and ten toes
Your one pair of eyes
placed perfectly on the sides
of your sunken in face.

As I relive the things you've done
You are more than one man
And your blood runs as cold as the arctic

Both of our hearts
beating too fast for either one of us to catch

But our hearts beat for different reasons entirely...

yours with the relished feeling of power and control

mine with the anticipation of entrapment and fear

Reliving trauma, everything multiplies.
You have 50 hands
One for each time
You assaulted me with them.
Your eyes multiply
Like spiders in the dark
Your face morphing
As if it was being drawn out by a dementor

I try and remind myself
that you are JUST ONE.
You have the same amount of strength
as someone who loves me.

We are both broken, like pieces of a smashed vase
The relieving thing is,
I can superglue myself back together
But you will always stay broken.

Like an animal,

Your instincts are self-serving

You want to eat, you find your prey and ****

No regard for the prey itself,

as long as you get fed,

to hell with the one you had to ****

It ***** to be the one who is killed...

When you hold me in your arms
It's like living in suspended animation
The feeling of my heaviness
Floating away
Like an unanchored boat
Chartering towards tomorrow.
Not a care in the world

As I feel the interlocking of your hand and mine
I embrace the sensation
The connection between us
Your body heat warming my skin
Like hot chocolate on a winter's day.

My anxiety of a day's work
Collapsing in your kindness
I embrace you
Your arms...
Your eyes...
Your lips...
As if in this moment
They existed just for us
A feeling, a connection
Only experiential
Between one you
And one me

An energy transfer
Designed in the universe
Just for our two souls

to my future love:

If you buy a dozen roses
Include every color

Two roses should be WHITE
one to keep me pure of heart
one to return my innocence of mind

Two should be RED
one to remind me of the courage I've used
one to anticipate the passion of my future

One should be PINK
to determine my elegance
amongst a world of chaos

One should be CORAL
to designate my desire
be destined towards you

Two should be YELLOW
the color of friendship
One for the best friends
I presume we'll be
One for the joy
you'll see in my smile

One should be ORANGE
deemed to be the color of pride
Only one given
As a reminder to have pride
but to never be proud

Two should be PEACH
One to emphasize the sincerity of my heart
And one to remind me
That modesty is key

And one should be pure LAVENDER
to represent royalty
A rose to prove
I am the queen of your heart.

So a dozen roses isn't just flowers
It's a symbol to prove how well you know me

So pick wisely

I haven't written a poem
In a solid five months
I haven't sat down
to hear verses in my head
or feel a pen glide
across a piece of paper

My heart has been altered
My journey has been changed
The path not taken
Is the path that I am on

Intuition keeps me
From taking the wrong turn
When there's a fork in the road
Asking me to decide which path to take

Why have I not been able to write?
Sit down and write in the summer heat...
School, my job, my future
Tugging at my back reminding me
to be practical

Writing is creativity
Like the wine of Italy
Or the sand of the beach
It lives in me, waiting 'til I return

It may wonder where I've been
But it never doubts that I'll return

11.22.18 - 2.22.19

This week marks
three months gone
of thousands of months
I plan to live

The day I gave myself
to the comfort of my True Father
instead of to the discomfort
Of a Blade.

I now ignore that sense of lust
for the sight of my own blood
the addiction I found
in spreading lies across my arms

I've given up the sense of calm
I found in watching my skin heal again
Reminding me that I was utterly human
yet somehow invincible

Except I wasn't...

Every time I glided a tool across my arms
or my thighs
or my stomach

I was shoveling myself
into a deeper hole
And while I was at the bottom
Someone was at the top
Filling it in,
not knowing that someone...
That I was inside of it.

As I cried tears of hurt
With the person who cared,
Someone handed me down a ladder.

But I had to choose to climb out
I had to decide if I wanted to stay in darkness
Or release myself to the light...
not the bad light that you see as you die
but the good light you see when you discover
that you are noticed and you are loved

Because isn't that why this whole thing started
Because I felt invisible
Because I was not just one of many
but I was the last of many

Self harm is a trap
That wraps you up in the cold
But you never get fully warmed
Because you're always losing blood.

I'm three months separated
From the act of self-hatred
But I'm always just three steps away
From being right there again.

Strength. Determination. Love. Self Love.
Those are the things that keep me in check.
Mother, Brothers, Friends, Students
Those are the people that keep me safe
And warm... the real warm
Not the fake warm that comes from being wrapped up
In a nice thick blanket.
But the real warm
That could make your heart swell
Even when you're alone.