You are brilliant
In the purist form
Incredible
You imitate
You evaluate carefully
You watch
With you calculating eyes

Pure black pupils
Surrounded by the beauty
Of blue-green irises.
Your charm as cunning
As a cobra
But only those
Who live with your eyes
Know how it truly feels
To be a victim of them

They seem to strip away
Every defense I thought I had
How is it fair
That you can see straight through me
When you get to wear a mask
And disguise yourself
From the rest of the world?

But be careful to not
Wear your non-existent heart on your sleeve
Because I know exactly who you are

We lie in bed quietly
Entangled in a sheet of heaviness
I roll over to greet you and ask
“Why do you have to leave today?”

Our meeting dates back to many years ago
When both of our lives were simple
And at ease
As we continued to chase happiness
The same way we chased lightening bugs

Glances from across the room
The connection of our hearts
Beating as loudly as the stereo
In my ’95 Camaro

Our teen years past quickly
Yet painstakingly slow
I went off to college
You went off to war
But we came back to find one another
“I love you”
“I love you too”
We said one night
As sunset melted into stars

We lie in bed quietly
Entangled in a sheet of heaviness
I roll over to greet you and ask
“Why do you have to leave today?”

your Shadow splashed
across my wall
Like a real life version
of a monster under my bed

Against a dim lit chasm
your tall and feeble reflection
cast a menacing illustration
Except it wasn't an illusion

Holding my breath
I squeezed my eyes shut

Maybe if I was asleep
you wouldn't do anything

But closing my eyes
could've been dumb
Cause the only way to defend yourself
is to see what's coming, right?

I was 15 and caught in a choice
between acting like a child
or acting like an adult

My mind sensed the close proximity
as your weight made a dent in the bed beside me
My heart raced for answers
Of what you might do

But you would never hurt me

right?

When I was 14, i began
to lose myself
it took awhile for me
to completely disappear
but eventually I did

I don't really know
when I started to search for me

Like a roller coaster
I found and lost myself
over and over again
It was like my mind was playing a game

Testing me on just how much
I wanted to find myself

As I searched
I found loopholes
Beginning to understand
That even those closest to me
Believed I was okay
If i didn't show my true self

So in secret, I found a dark side
The only part of me
At the time,
That made any sense

It was so easy to get stuck in that place

after a year, i wanted
To be pulled out from this world
I wanted to feel like I was normal
But I wasn't

And I don't know if I ever will be
But I keep trying

I still haven't found me
I feel like i'm in there
but I don't know how
to pursue normalcy just yet

But I keep trying

and one day I'll be able to say...


I found me

Like a rusted razor,

subtle words still cut.

The problem is, there's a greater chance for infection.

You can't just point to your cut and say,

"I got this from a nice clean blade,"

Instead

It comes from the truth that there were multiple cuts and

different days where it would heal and scab

but would then be picked open, or cut over, like you didn't

remember that it ever existed.

And just like the subtle manipulation of the man

who supposedly loved me,

he slowly changed my skin from alabaster and smooth

to darkened and rough.

although the air was completely still
my body quivers
as if a small wind were stimulating my nerve endings

I lay silently as I process the events of my past
grabbing me into a hole of darkness
where all my innocence was lost
and all my purity taken

as if it were occurring now
you were near me again
so real I start to push your phantom hands
off my legs as I kick the sheets to the edge of the bed

I toss and turn as my body rebels
again and again against the actions
that never should have taken place
but did...

your eyes piercing gray
and your breath hot on my neck
you watch me as you lean in to kiss me goodnight
the only thing missing was the smell of alcohol
staggered under the musty smell
of your unbrushed teeth of the day

as if every moment that had taken place
was occurring at once
I leap up from bed
attempting to silence
the screams in my head
screams I never screamed when I should have....

I listen closely
as the sovereign wind pulls me
towards a need for significance

as my eyes follow the pattern
of the trees
watching the leaves slowly fall

I long for the restoration
of the morning sun
to strip away the darkness
of a cloudy night

A cloudy night that seems
to remain present
no matter what time of day

As I pick one foot up
placing it in front of the other
I walk the tedious line
of unconscious awareness

knowing that something is there
but not knowing what

like a flower petal whose weight
is too delicate to safely hold
my thoughts linger

just loud enough to let me know
they're there
and just quiet enough
to hide their meaning

as if filled with brittle bones
my body aches in restless disparity
for answers I may never receive

But... just as the wind blows gently
I will wait...