I pierced my *****
Maybe so she could have teeth
So she could bite back
Maybe to reclaim my body
Maybe just for bling
I pierced my *****
As a ******* to pain
As a “no you didn’t” conversation piece
As a **** out of here if you can’t handle me
I’m not fragile
May be ******* broken
But I break myself on purpose just to watch me rebuild
I pierced my ***** as a ******* to fear
As a ******* to an ex boyfriend
An ex lover
An ex ******
An uncle
A parent
A precedent
A deity
I pierced my ***** for ******* fun
For fun *******
Maybe I pierced my ***** so I could write this poem about it
I pierced my ***** to make people uncomfortable
Did it work?

Do you ever show your love like that squeaky dysfunctional shopping cart wheel because same

Theres always lights on in my house
A few dishes in the sink
A pile of clothes here and there
Some folded
Some furrowed in baskets
Hiding under beds
You can find drawers of everything and nothing
Half missing decks of cards, candy, broken crayons, photos flooded in boxes and albums of our lives
You can find pieces of my mother
Scrawled in notebooks from freedom times of her youth
She would never tell you about
Youll be greeted by a wriggley pug with shoe or couch cushion in mouth
No, she will not stop kissing you
Theres always food in my house
Fancified labors of love
Shoved in saved salsa jars
Theres the old fireplace wrapped in wooden shelves and books and books and books
Drafty walls meet creaky aching wood floors
My house was warped with time
The attic is twenty degrees hotter than the basement
Likely from my pubescent years there
Sleeping at night you can hear mice or birds or bats in the ceiling
Scutterring a rhythm of cohabitated life
Id beat on the walls
Theres been renovations
Live ins
Move outs
Break ins
Move back ins
Divorce
Remarriage
Dead plants fake plants and growing gardening
My house is a changing ecosystem
Bustling beside main street
With a cemetary stare past the back yard
Buried lives and versions of mine
Youll find life and love history and family
Holy hurt with
Heart and soul
Best thing is
The doors always unlocked

Late nights in my brain like walking down a dark alleyway barefoot lightly clothed in the idea that everything will be okay thats what they say streetlights shone on pothole streets beats my face reflection to a wavering wonder something will come here caught a wiff of a wayside street wanderer finding sleep in a corner covered in ****** on life of been then being hard to know who im seeing am i still me? Hardly walked in my shoes let alone others loose unused excuse for solitary misuse find time in pocket phoned life we aspire to be more like look alike lavish facacde comradery in journalistic honesty all is well when i burn in hell follower frontier founder of warped mirrors and fun house on acid play my show to the masses how to see oneself clear in lie prescribed  glasses

Always find a way to pick pieces of glass from rock
Softened by the waves
Thought theyd make it harder
But the edges in search seem smoother than my own
Won a green beach glass laugh
To match the hints in your eyes
I couldnt make them stay on me
Hard to see own needs
When wide asleep in your dreams
So it seems
Need comes with a warranty
I never read the fine print
Drawn to a captive glint
Of being belittled by your
Passion aggression
Never learned my lesson
Weary words adorned in blessings
Prayers of tomorrow will be different
Change in an inference
Instant
As if
I could lull a dull duo
From festering
Within a soul ******* sorrow of desire
For you or something like
I met a boy with your same birthday
May be my lucky day
You could say im not through
Whats new

If I collected our memories and put them in a jar
There'd be withered petals
And prestine fake flowers
There'd be im sorry notes
And I love yous
There'd be a finnickey watch
And sandy bottle caps
I'd see crumpled concert tickets
And chipped nail polish
There'd be flamin hot peanuts
And pictures slightly burned round the edges
There'd be tears
And ***
And magic mushrooms
There'd be dirt
And eye crust
And sandman dream dust
There'd be eyebrow hairs
And recipes for laughter
There'd be more than I can see
Then much more beneath
And if I close this lid
I wont know what comes after

I want to hate you
In your rightness
And wrongdoings
In your cold shoulder
And your warm embrace
I want to hate you
When the plans fall through
And when theyre more perfect than lottery winning dreams
I want to hate you
When i cant feel like enough
And when you arent there to see me thrive
I want to hate you when the nights are lonely
Or when listless lovers wont fill me up
I want to hate you
On cloudy days
And cloudless
On depression days
And joyous
I want to hate you
When friends ask how i am
Cause im so wrapped up in trying to hate you
I forgot how to love myself
So ready to blame you
Yet so scared to repair myself
I am so lost without you
That i just might find myself

Whats to be done in the wake of an earthquake, rapture the ground concrete with memories seeming more now like lava flowing through cracks burns the heels who walk a path dont try to look back there is only rubble there now heathen halt in the dusty mist of what was squint your eyes for the finding of freedom in the form of a face or a sky in the drink you gulp by maybe stray cats nestling a *** ankle or the weeds taking over the yard there is no fault in being the persecuted only fail when you see yourself victim rather than hero for the downtrodden need to see your smokey smile lead on the packs no chip off your shoulder we will have your back

Deranged distortions thinking i could contort just right foot red left foot blue twist and turn on trembling tip toes so i might fit into pocket or palm, remain calm if claimed clammed up im bearable woman being rearranged into commercial jingle ring "im good, how are you" stuck in head or throat tote a hoarse smile stinking of another blah facade forlorn forewarn follows fake plant growth in (t)his sunlight promised life to the rubber made grade points plucked like pencil pushing excuses, effort isnt tallied into parking lot anxiety attack lacking attendance peer remembrance of your presence in bleeding nailbeds ****** into sweatshirt smothered eraser faces, forgetful social graces self slap lap up launguage barrier breaks cant breathe without letting words escape race to wring the worry whimpers that echo out of bitten lips split a panicked pulse quicker and louder shout not now mouthy mislead slink in your seat enter dark disengage garble gag on empress embarrass

Flooded seed and an itchy tongue. Daddy told me motionless creatures in the road were only listening for earthquakes, now see a disaster less natural. Lightless life ***** food from a **** stained trough. The homeless man eats McDonald's in a community garden, we vacation in resort report portions of third world countries. Dont wanna see, eat tv screens when our popcorn runs out, bury our waste beneath the ground confound endangering species: we, dont appreciate nature unless we're festival campground packing wrapping drugs in the litter of something like liveliness post pictures with plants we plucked from a place think land is ours if we occupy the space but this isnt like we're used to cant just hit erase and if we're a part of this future why cant we look it in the face

Please please me
No its not easy
And yes ill strip down ******
Tucked flesh into trembling teeth
Nothing like this sweet release
Mindless sheath
Where I
Forget my shame in feeling
Faultless to the blind eye
When we are done
I turn away
Faced with the feelings
I cant cover in play
In fantasies i see
A me that is free
No hand on shoulder or hip
But I must concede
A need in needless desire
Roundabout thoughts that conspire
To wrap my worth in a bedsheet
Bite mark or bruise
Evidence
Im wanted since
Another he showed me
Warranted power
But im no woman in a tower
I track testosterone
Like if i dont ill be ever alone
Settle in snug
Caught another slimy bug
Bedroom reuse
Refuse
To love me
Without a he
Powerless till i arise
Stripped off self disguise
Sand off hand marks
Of heroes who couldnt hold
An aching empty mold
Tell me again
I can fill it with a friend
Or a poem
Or a pen
Scream that i dont need these men
Take them off the shelf
So i can tell myself
Please please me

Firsts of the night:
Handcuffs
Backsass scruff
Back of a paddywagon
Band of boys
But before
All this
4 outfit tries
Opinions of three
Butterfly pre potion
Then
Long hair and ripped jeans
House party
Warm smiles with new faces
Tittering across a stage
Teasing a held gaze
Before
Judgement in blue
Drunk remembrance
A Mugshot sentence
Social network presence
New name infamy
Self loathing
Backtrack scruff
Pins and needles
Sleeping pill sequel
Leads up
To a new year repeal
At the altar I kneel
For a self forgiven
A better year to live in

You sleep much like a citys night
Squealing brakes on subway grates
Trickle down a rusty pipe
Leaky faucet to showering snores
Swingin **** chatter
Lining to living walls
That bear witness at
Writhing renewer
Shut out shut in
Classified conglomerate clasping
The thunder of a thousand thoughts
Or Dreams
A thousand thoughtful words
A thousand thoughtless
A thousand oohs
A thousand aaaahhhgonies
In repitition and random order
A hum to a hammer
A breath in harmonized heartbeats
Follows a breath plucked from puckered lips
Lush like advertised kisses
Stolen from a squeezed tight chest
Wont wake with a start
Even when your body quakes
To try and yank you from a mind
Unsettled
Unsettling
Hearing you murmur
Idle chatter at existense sans consciousness
Id like to caress your unconsious
Breathe calm into cavities
That slow that iron heart tempo
Astral project
Bait switch in place
Not a pain to replace
But if it could be the case
Id slink into your shaking skin
And claim it my own for the moon view
Then you may know a restful slumber
In Opposite minds rewound anew

In some corners before sleep we are lovers
I **** a soliloquy off your thumb
In starlight solace
Lament to lunar eyes
Sometimes too bright to look upon
Swelling softness swarms my gut with a glance

Nature boy,
Dont write to me when the grounds you tend wont be fertilized by lies, like vines weaving their way, crawling whispers to crack your hard head cemented soul (hardly even believe your own *******, why would I?) Dont write to me when you wish your life flourished full as mine, rays of being youll never see someone near as divine. You tried to catch me in the wake of a watered down climate.. guess ya cant count your corporate chicks before they hatch, huh? Don't write to tell me a sorry hunter story. You've shot down too many birds to tell me you wish I would've flown. Bird call claim to live a life without wondering what life is worth.. well, i can tell you its more than paycheck work, more than parents approval, more that shiny things to shield eyes from your lack of self work. I think if youd had it all together you wouldn't have pulled me into the dirt but it seems you stirred the soot between my toes. I'm taking root, cracking ground bound in renewed resilience. Oh, and nature boy? Just know, it feels so good to grow out of you.

You are not sinking
You are naturally buoyant
If you only breathe deeply

Solitary confinement
Hard to find a need
In ease of social security
Though funds run out
Seldom sought future of own
Unknown
Selfish disclosure
Going without
Relished reality me
Found distractions in each we
Covergirl coverup
For a face hardest to face

Skimming the surface of your sweetness
Creamy rich creme brulee
with a je ne said quois kick
Skin of sprinkled seasonings
Looks like art
In all sensory scintillation
Delicate dashes
Deliberate divinity finds
A splash of savior savory
Boil up smiles
Bubble over in rounds
Popping sizzle
Of a new recipe spark
Invite chance to the table
And me without manners
Fumbled elbows atop a table
Unrefined as an innocent palette
Fear finds fruitful fools as I
Always want another taste
Insatiable sensations
Shake me
Never the same
A want to swish you in my mouth
So you know my words stir smoother sound space
Than my mind lets on
Imagine a ticking timer
For me or you
Cant just swelter in the smell
Saliva sweat on hot stovetop
Tease your texture between teeth
I find gritted in a past
Of al dente pasta
Not quite my liking
But always filling
How hard to be full
Of a hearth of health
When i've been so long
Waited on by baited service
Couldn't help but take a bite
I got hooked
Reeled in line to choke on breathing
Luck lifeline
To see release
Catch a nibble
Insist I taste
Your full flavor
Ever evolving buds
Dissolve new resolve
From tongue
Of trepidation
Swirled in soufflee one day
Tiramisu on through
To courses I never knew
In glistening garnishes
Playful plating
Dining halls of hope
Glazed eyes
Fancy this feast
Mixed anew
Set you a place
Its fit for two

I can't feel you anymore.. but when I think I almost can my ears burn hot. I swear it was your breath on them that made mine quicker. I've felt the way your lips laquered my earrings clink against your teeth I don't think I can hear my own voice in my head anymore you've slurred it all to a resonant mmmmhmmm. Funny how frogs won't jump out of boiling water and i'm choking on another vision of you choking me, hard inside me. I guess I knew you never wanted to hear my real voice. Just a throat crushing squeak never easy to shush me but I let you. I let you whisper inadequacies into my soul till I wasn't sure I had one but I was always more soulful seeping so I thought your shriveled heart could soak me up. Soak us both but you wanted a stream line trickle. Predictable, not so fickle. Im nothing if not an intangible tide tossing showers of sediment to swirl in new space. There is no space for your sturdy stillness settling was something I tried to do for you. But the breeze doesn't stop when you're standing still, I couldn't pause the tides of will. Still see you so scared of drowning never treked past where toes could touch. But boy I am much fuller than you'll feel, much deeper than you'll see. Seldom stray far from shore shapes shallow eyes caught beneath. I've been listening to the clouds. I've been singing a new heat. Tell myself again, I'm worthy. I am worthy of love from me. In a quake of sadness shake dust from the places you touched. Solace in the touch of a new he. Nothing like a brush with your body but I'm remembering what it's like to feel free. Wavering joy with sadness missing you and hating you and forgiving you and forgiving myself and forgetting to love myself remembering loving you then finding the hurt you gave me and piecing it into a poem I've lit on fire twice now, rewriting my mind won't be as easy as I thought but my heads above the water and the sun might take a peak. I know there's forces fear won't foster. Trading past for future cut like a movie scene. Where I command role of self. Self assured. Rest assured my waves will crash. I will stop hating them the way you taught me to. Some soul will swim strokes with the fish, learn their names and places. Some soul will surf my biggest waves, tuck them into the shore. Calm and twirl my tides with ease it was easy to believe you could catch with such bait but I can't blame you for getting sea sick. For slight of heart has no place in mine. I wager these waters will draw a Poseidon sink or swim.

Ghostly nostalgia
Train hopper
Restless receipt
Dream itch
Shoo fly
Full sigh
Track tie
Leftover glances
Slapped happy
Wind swivel
Velcro catch
Flu faced
Stake claim
No reentry

****** off stripper spit
Loose lips
Eyes locked
On wallet
Congrats, slick
Close up on a slimy siren trick

I've a crawling suspicion
this times got a mission
Like a gasoline strike
Split hardrived for fission
Or a slinking for something
That daunts my remission
Dissolves my uncertainty
Spells out a vision
Found harder and harder to see
Past the dreams you're in
Whistling wood
Won't spark in such thinking sin
Stoppage of time
Much less knowing what world I'm in
Prying for clues
Precious words in the passing wind
Eager for something
Fresh liveliness I'd expend
To reality
Renowned discoveries
Flip switch from extinction ends
Granting yourself as a new kind of fruitful friend
Harder at first
Than your expectations would have found you in
But much less a curse
Than relying on you would've been
So im searching my purse for that ******* lighter again
Though the glow so can find me
If I only look within

Dry wind
Leaves wave goodbye
You rake them into piles
I missed the crunch beneath my feet
The patchwork blanket of fall
Shuffling stir of crisp remembrance
We've little control at all

A hassle, you say
Between swift step breaths
I haven't known it once
"The gutters are full the yards a wreck"
"I'll burn them all away"
Gaze upon those driven eyes
My only concern what's for brunch

Soliloquy shake in neon light
Bare bones brittle smile
Stomp waves of green
In stand alone heels

Grisly dogs groan and reel
Pant in heat
Gritted teeth show slobbering snarls
Scraggly smirks
You showed among lost mutts

Put on your begging eyes
Limp tongue hung
Wagged lingering shame
Hard **** in hand
Go **** yourself

I want to hug you and squeeze you and punch you and verbally assault you and ******* and tell you I never want to see you again

Meaningless
Mist veiled eyes
I missed the mark
Again
I feel less
Slither into caves
Burrow to sleep
Shut in
Shut out
Sorry light
Creeps in
I sleep through it
Didn't want this

I never wanted to be your chore
The tedious task on a to-do list
Like dusty spaces we chose to ignore
Used up rain checks, couldn't resist

We once sang dishes from the sink
With a little *** pinch as I raise a glass to its place
I wear my fake glare, you whip out a wink
These parts we played with easier grace

But my clutter couldn't keep concealed
Clung to claustrophobic floors
And it seems your strip search revealed
My messy makeup shoved in drawers

And yes I still forget to shake the handle of the Lou
Ice dripped voice when you hear the water run
I scamper to get it, tail tucked out of view
Creep back up to your subtle shun

If I scrubbed beneath your stride
On hands and knees, you'd still loom above me
Gaze down at my slippery pride
Say "missed a spot I see"

Sometimes I break a branch or even sprout too few
But don't cut me down to size
Look what a year of tending can do
Grab a watering can together we'll rise

Single sneaker rolls down a road
As the dog barks at empty room corners
Limb shaking winds replace august heat
With an off key church hymn humming heart
And
Two toned makeup, matching stain on new---old shirt
Animal tested
Cheap
Incomplete
Like a José guzzle, airy gag
Shots of half assed smiles
Across an empty bar
Read half assed headlines
Bury corporate hatchets
In pocket or timepunch
Wish we stood for more

A single sneaker rolls down the road
Dog barks at empty room corner
Off key church hymn humming heart
Cheap.
José guzzle, airy gag
We shoot half assed smiles

In this house,
Volumes raise
In drinks
As in voices

Days dependent
On dad's dependency

Some nights
Bottle bottoms
Brew brutal words
Wonder if he bully's himself with them too

Warned watchfulness
Wait
For the wind up
Hope
For the wind down

Mom's voice tiptoes
When his snores begin to sound
This house
Sighs deeply

If this were a roller coaster ride
We'd be plummeting
Wind tugging at our faces
Your hands high
Salute the sun
Maybe wave goodbye
While mine cling tight
Petrified
I wanted to let go
I could feel my fingers loosening..
But then we were swooped up
Speeding round corners
To a tip top peak
Joyous screams
To nervous laughter
Here comes the drop once more

Maybe I just wanna sabotage this
While I wait for you to do it
Western style
Locked and loaded
Who's gonna draw first
**** a white flag
No truth in our truces
Well this time,
You won't catch me with my guard down

When the layers peel off,
I hope you don't love yourself for the reasons they love you
When the dollars flutter and the spotlight blinds
I hope you know your worth is not physical
Even when the money is
This isn't the fulfillment you need
When you don't rest easy at night
I hope you remember you should be loved for more
You are loved for more
Your mother..
Please,
I hope you tell your mother you love her
I hope you tell her she's done nothing wrong
She's hurt
And maybe we all feel that
Because this world holds more for you
I hope you know opportunity isn't hiding from you
I hope you seek it out
I hope you remember that easy way is not always the best way
The things we are capable of failing at
Reap the most self esteem when we succeed
I hope you find what makes you happy
What makes you full
And I hope you never look back

Use this to better yourself. Try as ******* yourself as you did on the relationship. You are the most important person. You are capable of everything you want to do. Don't give up on yourself too. I love you. I love you. I will learn to love you. There is time for sadness. That is okay. Turn it into creation. You won't always be happy but you will always be okay. Fill the holes in your heart from loving him with new reasons to love yourself. Go hiking alone. Climb a tree and read a book. Write more. ******* it, don't waste that talent. Practice gratitude. Practice mindfulness. Believe. In the future. In the power of your mind. In your ability to overcome. You will be reborn in strength.

Love,
Your forever companion

Materialism took all the empty hands
But it won't complete a thing

Light candles in abandoned houses
Like souls
The darkest ones
Breathe memories
Some taste like an ocean breeze
Feel familiar
Some screech like burnt rubber
So familiar
I am here
I am far

You've been hiding out inside of me for six weeks now
Playing dormant
While I played dumb
Bean sized bundle
Cells,
I tell myself
Cells
I tell my cells
I'm sorry
I don't know
If you would be benign
Or cancerous
To the me that does exist
Call it selfish
(At 19 years, I'm no philanthropist)
I know
Bean cell bundle
You are a part of me
But
Now it seems
Loss lurks at either exit
For if you stay
A part of me goes
The young heart that yearned for the harbors of far shores
You would possess it instead
The mind
Imagining futures brimmed with possibility
Unstoppability
Would then fumble with responsibility
(There are days I slide alongside time
Up hours past the alarm
Don't feed myself till supper
Bean bundle
I could offer you existence
But I can't say it would be any good)
What if I offered your existence up?
Stats say 8 years would go along before someone would call you their own
8 years
Old enough
To wonder what could've been
And why
Your life looked nothing like the tv sitcom smiles
Feeling a heaviness in your heart
They say
If you see a suffering animal you have to put it out of its misery
Well you haven't had the chance to suffer yet
For the quarter inch of you cannot feel pain
Preemptive maybe presumptive
Fate may have fondled you with joy
But
The world is not often this kind
And
Though a part of me will go with you
Crying,
Bleeding
A corner of my heart away
I'll do my time
wondering,
what could've been,
And why
But
I can't bring you into this world
If I know
It may serve you only strain
Bean sized bundle
Of cells
My cells
Whatever part of me you may have come to be,
I choose me
I'm sorry

Sopping sorrows
In drenched trench coats
Droop
Drop
Drip
Like
A shivering spine
Quivers, slithers
In a crafty coil
Spoils spit take smiles
Nothing about this in your files
Lurking lies of lullabies
Plaster flaccid ceiling stares
Glares
Inward turn
Nail biting churn
Thicker than the tired tracks
Rolling robbery
Wrings a pathetic apology
Out of a gum wrapper
Nothings new

I get goodbye glimpses
When your voice is like an exhausted father
And mine, relentlessly stumbling over apologies
Premonitions
Of a cold current
I'm paddling behind
Can't keep up
I'm sputtering,
Choking,
Watching you wade away
Without worry
You're only 21
How don't you worry?
I am 19
With ducks
That form more of a m o b
Than a row
I know
It's far easier to blame the tide
Than the self
******* it
I'm trying
Shawn, I promise
I'm trying
But, you see
Adulthood is the branch that taps on my window
With the storm
To shiver me awake..
I hear you two have tea
In tangled talks of a future
That doesn't include me
Well
If it's so
I need the definite
The finalizing punctuation
It's like the cigarette you toss aside
Unfinished
I get it
You don't like endings
And
I smoke mine to the filter
It's like the book
That sat on your nightstand for months.
With a chapter to go,
Past due
Is the means to an end
You chose
The sentence that trailed off
Into an all but empty stare
(Wait, I was listening)

The book
That sat on your nightstand for months.
With a chapter to go,
Past due
Is the means to an end
You chose
The sentence that trailed off
Into an all but empty stare
(Wait, I was listening)

I am 19
With ducks
That form more of a mob
Than a row
Far easier to blame the tide
Than the self

Adulthood is the branch that taps on my window
On a windy night
Shivers me awake..
I hear you two have tea
In tangled talks of a future
No longer including me

Say hello to poetry
When I say goodbye to you

"Good night"
Teasing words
You know,
the night is no longer good to me
And I am no longer good to me
When the sun retires early
I follow
These days
Sparkles of frost step in for dew
Sharper
Reaching for the edge of my fingers
My toes
My thoughts
Become one in degrees
With the dark
The cold
Takes siege
And my metals
Are more brittle
Condensed
Prone to a snap
Awaiting
A warmer expansion

I can't be your first love
The one who's name waits on your tongue
To lash out and remind me
I am small within her shadow

I can't be your first love
With mocha skin
Red wine dripped lips
And the touch that may still creep into your dreams

I can't be the first love
You waited months to kiss
In a firework glow
(I wanted you more, God only knows)

I can't be the first love
Who captured you
With artemis' grace
And her goddess confidence
(Rather, I'm the stumbling deer in your headlights)

I can't be the one
Who coiled around you
Demanded princess treatments
No, I never fit right on a pedestal

I can't be her
Though I've wished I could
When the way you say her name
Holds more than just nostalgia

Now I know she's got the front row seats
Serial effect on her side
But don't put me in the nosebleeds
Cause the previews always come
Before the main event
Yes, I can't be your first love
But I'd love to be second

I never saw you when you were alive
Not really alive anyways
With flushed cheeks and smiling eyes
But I think how you must've done well
As I watch your daughter stroke your hair
Like its the finest silk she'll ever know..
It seems I never got to hear your voice
Not your real voice anyways
I spoke to you like thunder
Hovered over the hospital bed
And you pattered back like an on and off rain
Uncertain of where it might land
Libby,
That's what everyone calls you
Well Libby,
I so wish we could've met under different conditions
I imagine you're wishing for much more
But this is it
Here you are
Sitting at the stoplight
And green isn't coming
I never did see fear in your eyes
But it could've been buried
As you looked to your family
And saw how fear had furrowed into them
Like watching your parents walk away
On the first pre-school drop off
(We all wanted to cling)
But it's your turn to be dropped off now
And the territory is unfamiliar
Once, you bathed and diapered children
Who now do the same for you
Just know, Libby, you are still dignified
And though we don't think this future will come until it's breathing down our neck
We wouldn't talk about this future without sarcasm
It is a future a majority of us will endure
It's funny how
We tread lightly on the word death as though it is hot coals beneath our feet
As though death could be separate from life
Or you and I could escape it
Libby, I'm sorry to tell you
There is no yin without the yang
The tables don't stop turning
Till the world does
But you live on
In the ritual pre-schooler drop off's
Of the generations you created
And even the ones who never got to see you alive
Will carry a part of your heart inside

Part 1

We count our wishes like lottery tickets
And though we  may never quite get the odds right
The fantasies keep us coming back...
Like hummingbird retreats
We know the way

The way
Impulsive can meet rational
Then flip you back to naive
The way growing up can feel like
A subtitled movie
Where the words switch
Before you manage to finish rea...

Or how hope will keep you begging
Like the starving stray dogs
Who strut like lions
Yet love like lambs

Now we're pleading with the hourglass
Like kids convincing Santa we're worthy
I can't promise I am

Part 2

But I have this wish
(Just call me crazy)
That this love could look something less like maybe
And In this wish
You'd teach me to harvest
A green thumb rooted in something more honest

We'd live off the land
Grow something withstanding
The type of living
Earths future will be demanding

We'd pick our food day by day
Eat like gods
And treat each other just that way

I see coffee soaked mornings
And breakfast outside
With that smirk on your face
And a blush I can't hide

Part 3

So there it is
Plain and true
(and maybe I've got a ***** loose, or two)
But this lottery ticket wish
Has my sights narrowed thinner
And I've got to believe that it's a winner

I think of you like the moon.
Even stealing my sunlight,
You were beautiful;
And just the kind of imposter
I'd come back around for.

5am skies
Paint a periwinkle view
A slick step underlies
This cold morning dew

It should come as no surprise
The birds echoing coo
And I can only surmise
That springs fighting through

But the forecast lies
And warm glimpses are few
As winter bored eyes
Beg the sun to come to

This town softly sighs
Reluctant flowers grew
And sunlight it pries
At the clouds we so rue

Yearn for giving up ties
To bundling till we brew
Instead saying our hi's
To the shorts we outgrew

Then we'll hear children's cries
As the school year is through
How summer yearly buys
Precious freedom to renew

As a sunbather fries
To reach a darker hue
And teenage boys rise
Forget shirts when they do

When the cold rain dries
Although not quite on cue
This change is a prize
You could take part, too

18 feels like..
Being caught between the door and the wall
In a game of hide and seek
A gasp hanging over your head
A breath shrinking your chest

18 is the eager freshman
Stumbling down the hall
Schedule in hand

18 sounds like it should be some bigger picture
Than 9x2

18 feels like an adulthood indoctrination
For the forest fairy believers

18 is the first trip to a strip tease
Full of chanting and discarded dollar daughter smiles

....

18, you could've done worse to me
...


18 makes me walk as though I've atlas' own shoulders
Like a puffer fish,
Bulking up
As though I am anything but prey

18 makes me wonder when the world shrunk so
The house has never felt this small
And I,
Grow ever more aware of just how much space I occupy

18 needs not hold my hand as I walk across the street

I know how 18 goes down like age old whiskey
The burn must come before the warmth

The ticks of the clock are wavering under the sound of snoring through the house
I cannot see the clock
And it seems I've been here so long
I wonder if time has stopped,
Slowed, drooling down
Their cheeks
Onto a pillow

As I slyly try to slip
unnoticed
into that same unconsciousness
Search party flashlights shine thoughts to my mind
Pierce me for a moment
So bright
I must look

And ****-
Just like that,
There goes the exit sign

So I flop around like a sunbather
Flustered
No light to soak,
While the next head over
(My sisters)
Is draped in a French fry crown
Being fanned by her burger henchmen
The McDonalds queen
orders her bidding done

And mom
Below in the basement
Is caught in her teens
Primping feathery hair
To an 80's pop tune
Chanting into her hairbrush
Until she becomes Stevie nicks herself

And next door,
and on this street,
and the next,
People enter their portals
To find (or forget) the untouchable realm of their minds
And I lie
And I wait

I'm giddy again, little girl note passing butterflies, you're fluttering through my veins again, it's like the first kiss  but I don't even need the touch, hours apart but I'm weaving through these memories like keepsakes in a box and I never want to lose it, I never want to store them in some dusty attic, you deserve more, you deserve a space in my mind I'll call the best kind of nostalgia some day, and some day when turmoil has its say I'll open up this box and feel your warmth, even if I'm hours away, I'll whisper my good mornings and good nights into these walls so you can surround me once again. I'll carry your burdens on my back and call them mine. There will be bad days. Promise me you'll never let them weigh down on the good ones. Make me your nightlight and I'll fight off the dark. When you lay down with the sun, remember I am there to be your glow. And we can rise together with the day and greet it as an old friend. This old friend I hope we can see again and again.