I am too full of myself
but what else is there
for me to be full of
other than the person I am
the person Ive become
the will to keep surviving
an empty cage
cowering with shaking hands and my fingers in mine ears
childhood horror hide and go

throwing up past iterations of myself
in a  backwoods church parking lot
you told me to get a ******* job


im still here so im winning

don't be afraid to let your body die
to transform
into a new place to live
to grow
to make art
to be a home
to know peace
‎to live to love to grow old

desperately trying to remember how to piece words together
****** smoking in a graveyard under smoke and stars
Trying to remember the feeling

feeling like a young boy crying in a forest
atreyu's journey thwarted by biology
high heeled and femme and feeling so far away
‎ caked in makeup, we hide our tears in costume like others before us
‎ sons and daughters and countless others, we are but the lost children
‎
‎ effortlessly drifting under darkened skies
‎ held alight by stars and aura from a fire in the back of the graveyard
‎ tipsy melting mind turning all topsy turvy with my mouth full of cotton
‎ existential loneliness shivering on mausoleum benches
‎ ******* in smoke
‎ or chemical mist
‎loneliness
‎ there are some things worse than death

out of touch
lost my grip
on this life
existence my eyes are drawn
like the rest of me
pathetic lines
we melt away
my gods are dead
and were never gods
and i am trapped in this body
which is not mine
out of the memory of acquaintances
I fade away
disappearance of the perennial artist
I see nothing, for that's what I am become

press my lips to the ground
cold hard earth against my flesh
ground me to this world
unholy unblessed

I was waiting for a guide to take my hand
I've been trying to get this right
dying every time i pass a mirror
longing for to disappear into some night