hello: Poems

456 · Aug 2013

Nick bulbs

hello Aug 2013

Nick bulbs

You have built a home in my head and sometimes I will forget you're there but I can still see the lights you leave on

456 · May 2014

food

hello May 2014

food

i hear you waiting by the bathroom door
just to make sure im not throwing up
in the shower
and at the dinner table you watch me eat
and count my bites
and how i cut my food
but this has vanished from my mind
i dont count calories
or **** my abs during the night
i am free
from her grasp
and it finally feels nice
to feel full

454 · May 2013

mail

hello May 2013

mail

fold your soul into tiny little pieces and slip yourself into my mailbox; i'll be surprised because the mail never comes on Sundays, but like every other Sunday, i get anxious and go check the box for anything, on the walk there i realize it's still Sunday for another 22 hours and the mail won't come till tomorrow. I'll know we were meant to be if you've come early and waited for a while.

447 · Jun 2017

Oh no

hello Jun 2017

Oh no

I miss being skinny being cold being thin
Skinny enough where I can cup my ribs and never feel my thighs touch ever
I miss seeing hip bones through clothes and cringing when I bang them on walls or counters I miss seeing the numbers drop and the weight fall off

443 · Oct 2013

go by

hello Oct 2013

go by

it actually amazes me
how much of a ****** hypocrite you are
i don't understand how someone can be
so contradicting in every way possible
and i don't understand
why you tell me this
no don't do this that or them or him or her or whatever
but you go and do
whatever you just told me not to do
and you get mad
when i say i've met someone new
yet i always shower you with
positive feedback
when you send me pictures of
you with her.
so you can't have it both ways
i know life is unfair
but you just don't understand
how things work
or maybe you just
don't care.

442 · Apr 2013

Your haiku

hello Apr 2013

Your haiku

You're so full of ****
You spoke so many
Words that meant
****
You never cared
You just ****** me
You never knew how much
I cared for you
It's funny how I thought you
Were comforting
When you're the one who
Made me uncomfortable
In the first place
I hate myself for believe
All the ****
That poured out your mouth
I hate myself for
Falling for your lies
Falling for the way
Your lips touched
Mine
I can't believe
Seeing you now
Sets off all those memories
All those horrible
Lies
All those horrible days
All you did was decieve
Me
Your soul was not any color
Not even black
Or white
It was just blank
A rocky surface
I asked you
"Do you really love me?"
You said
"Of course"
You didn't look me
In the eyes
You looked at my body
While you nodded
Of course I love you
Of course
Of course
You always said that
Never yes
Or duh I love you
Just of course
A broken record
Now I see
How miserable
You made me
I see how miserable
You were in that
Relationship
I don't understand
Why you didn't leave me
I don't understand
Why you pretended
To love me
I don't understand
Why you didn't
Just say no
When I asked you out
On that date
I guess I will never
Understand you
I won't ever comprehend
Why you do the things
You do

442 · Jan 2014

nothing

hello Jan 2014

nothing

and when i think no one misses me
i think again
clearer this time
because the people that do not miss me
just show they never cared
a week later and you are right back
to her
like i am dust
and maybe in your eyes i am nothing
but that
the people that do miss me
ask me how i am
how i have been
where i want to be
the people that miss me
do not tell me they love me
they show it
with ways greater than words or actions
i was blinded by your
pursed lips
and the way you said my name
i closed a door in their face
and left it wide open for you
which was a big mistake
but when you walked away
know i cried
and when you didnt come back
until you needed something
know i was happy
because
i realized
you mean nothing
except for a
soul and a body
i do not
want to interact with
anymore

as horrible as it may sound
you mean nothing
nothing
to me.

438 · Oct 2013

Zero pt.2

hello Oct 2013

Zero pt.2

I straddled him and he told me
How light I felt
Zero zero zero zero

437 · Feb 2014

absent

hello Feb 2014

absent

we fall in love
by unbuttoning jeans
and complaining of belts
being too tight
you never kiss
just watch
and later on you leave
without the goodbye
i was hoping for.
night after night
this becomes our routine
and i realize
i am tired
tired of the cold slapping me
while walking to your house
tired of being quiet
instead of outrageous
tired of conforming to this boring
act
you know nothing about me
except for the way your hands
fit around my tiny waist
and that i love your eyes
but you never look at me
like that
but i found her
she looked at me like that
and she touched me like that
and she kissed me like that
we havent spoken in so long
she is absent
from my grip
and her laugh haunts me
im growing and moving
on without the both of you
but i think this is what it is like
to be free
and to make the choices best for me

436 · May 2013

Untitled

hello May 2013

Untitled

he had blonde hair and a different bruise every time i saw him
sometimes his nose scrunched up when he laughed
and he kept his secrets in a secret pocket
in my limbs
and he never danced
he swayed

433 · May 2013

midnight thoughts 1

hello May 2013

midnight thoughts 1

i didn't keep track of the day i count down until i get to see you because then i would spoil the surprise of seeing your eyes rest upon mine and that vision is permanently glued to my subconscious so i guess it's never a surprise when i see your eyes and i will remember them forever even when my conscious forgets them for a while

432 · Jul 2013

Underground door

hello Jul 2013

Underground door

This feeling is synonymous
to being buried alive
Dirt caught in my throat
Rotting my words
Weighing down my sense
Of right and wrong
Saying one thing
Thinking another
I have no idea what
Is happening
Why this is going on
Again
Hoping underground is dangerous
No one is there to hear you
Cry or think
Doing the dangerous things
To keep me alive
Is what I do best
So I will crawl out of this
Burning hole
That is so close to hell
I will fall into your arms
Hoping you will catch me
Without hiding a knife behind
Your back
Like always
There is a front door leading
To my mind
you have locked it
I cannot get in

You cannot get out

427 · Apr 2013

Time

hello Apr 2013

Time

At age 8 she wears ribbons in her hair

At age 18 she wears high heels and short skirts everywhere
She cries and mumbles about her childhood
With a cigarette stuffed between her lips.

427 · Jul 2013

Uncertain

hello Jul 2013

Uncertain

Maybe you are refueling what you once pumped into my fragile veins
Maybe I am falling for your eyes again
Maybe I am
I hope I am
I hope I am not

425 · Aug 2016

Addict

hello Aug 2016

Addict

I'm obsessed with the number
And the size
The feeling of my thighs
I can feel
Weight
Not just on my shoulders
I don't put a needle in my vein
**** up my nose
So when I say I've been clean
Zero days
I'm probably seen as
A ******
I'm a ****** for the scale
For the feeling of
Weightless
For the look of
Bones
For the concerning question
Are you okay?
Because I am not
Okay
I tell everyone I am anyways

424 · Aug 2013

Untitled

hello Aug 2013

Untitled

I've come to realize that you discouraged me quite alot on things you never approved of and always made sure I was the best at whatever it was that you wanted me to be.

424 · Jan 2017

Untitled

hello Jan 2017

Untitled

I scarf everything down and binge like I haven't in months I want to throw it all up and kick myself for giving in to my disgusting cravings and I hate me I hate me I hate me

415 · Aug 2013

Untitled

hello Aug 2013

Untitled

The theme to Jepoardy
No longer rings
All around my 3D exsistance
Because I am not
In Jepoardy
Of falling in love
With you

414 · Oct 2013

tiny thought

hello Oct 2013

tiny thought

and it seems as though all i ever do is listen to clair de lune and cry by myself; wishing i could go back a few months, when i was happy. depression lifts and leaves for a while. but its a cloud that's turning into a low fog; completely consuming me. i notice when i start digging my own grave and decide to lay in it. i just don't know how to stop myself. my brain goes through a vicious cycle. loving hating mad sad happy elated sad depressed gone.

414 · Apr 2013

Brain wings

hello Apr 2013

Brain wings

Throw out the maps
Cover all the signs
That tell me where I am going
I'd like to reach a destination
I don't know the name to
Maybe on the drive
I'll think of you
Maybe I'll want to be the trees
That touch the ceiling of
The earth
Maybe I'll find myself
And maybe
Just maybe
I won't compare myself to
A bird
I won't want to be a bird anymore
Because maybe those birds
Aren't as free as we
Think they are.

404 · Jan 2017

Todd

hello Jan 2017

Todd

I was with you because I loved the **** you grew in your basement and I loved the smoke that always came out of your pores
I loved the trouble and the panic when I almost got caught
I was with you because no one else wanted me and no one else would give me free **** and no one else would **** me and leave me alone
I only was with you and pretended to love you because I loved your drugs and I loved you inside of me until you forced me
I smoke a different strain and it's better than yours

403 · Oct 2013

Movie

hello Oct 2013

Movie

Sometimes little things
Make me realize
Big things

403 · Feb 2016

Catalyst to relapse

hello Feb 2016

Catalyst to relapse

Hovering around the Cold White Dragon I review my day in calories
120
12
50
100
And pounds
1
2
3
5
I feel the weight
Heavy
Overbearing
Crushing
I see it in my face
In my flesh
In my cheeks
In the places where
I wish they concaved
I feel the spaces in between
My ribs
My thighs
I feel the sharp jut of
My hip bones
My collarbones
My wrist bones
The Cold White Dragon
Is calling to me
It is yelling for me
It is in my brain
It is in my eyes
It is in my sight
I kneel and give in
To the Cold White Dragon
Once again.

400 · Oct 2013

Solved

hello Oct 2013

Solved

we've done it all, there's nowhere else to go, nothing else to do
There's my answer
i used you
But of course,
You said
just kidding*
Right after.

399 · Apr 2013

How to: win me over

hello Apr 2013

How to: win me over

Be as real as that pencil on the table
Be as abstract as that piece of art
Be as humble as the calm ocean
And you'll win my heart

398 · Aug 2013

Untitled

hello Aug 2013

Untitled

Calling me in the middle of the night
Will only make my insides
Toss and turn more than
I already do trying to achieve sleep
Hearing your sleepy voice
Whispering:
"I missed you today and the days before that"
Kills me -
But only because I know this is not true
You say you miss me but you never
Talk to me
Here and there I'll get a few texts
Its only late at night when I receive these
And I think it's because
Your 1 am mind in surfacing
And sadly you are too sad
To lay in silence
So you remember those nights
When we kissed
Bare under your covers
That's what you miss
You do not miss me
Just the me you always had next to you
At night.

397 · Feb 2016

Amela

hello Feb 2016

Amela

She takes two hits from the bowl
Holds in the smoke then blows
She's exotic with long hair
The color of her dark brown eyes
Match with her olive toned skin
She speaks to me in foreign tongue
Charismatic even when she's high
I want to be the smoke in her lungs
The bowl she puts her lips on
And the lighter she loses

397 · Aug 2013

Hide away sun

hello Aug 2013

Hide away sun

Sitting in a park
Filled with four
Silence
Instead of laughter
I see mouths moving
Bodies jumping
But all I hear is my own
Heart beat
I wish to be left to myself
Even though I'm always alone
I feel something much worse
Than pain
I feel numb
I feel the nagging stabs
Of a sad vibration
Coming through my pores
And all my worries
Pouring out my eyes
Yet my mouth stays set
In an attractive smile
And the only thing that
Ever feels good to me
Is the sun
And even he doesn't stay
For long.

395 · Sep 2013

End

hello Sep 2013

End

This Distance has not become
A theroy of why
We haven't been speaking
Yet it is an excuse
I'll be blunt
You are ignoring me
It's sad how quickly
Or out of the blue
Someone you used to give
Your breath and all your time
Becomes a shadow in the halls
I'm seeking you out
But you just keep getting
Darker and darker
Until one day
You'll disappear
All together

395 · Sep 2016

Away

hello Sep 2016

Away

You are not tangible anymore
I can't feel your skin
The sweat on your brow
Or the twitch in your fingers
I hope I don't forget

393 · Mar 2014

years

hello Mar 2014

years

eventually something turns us
in a certain direction
eventually someone comes
and divides our attention
we are not attentive
we are not paying any mind
to the rule board
we are diving in shallow water
and when our brains spill
wonder why we got this way
what made me this way
who made me this way
when did i become
this
this blood is my fault
i had a choice
and i choose that road
that person
and a hospital setting
shows up and knocks
sense back into you
it never left though
you are not harmless
inflicting those thoughts
but there is masking tape
and staples right over there
anything you might need
to stick it back together
you havent known asthma
until the ring is on her finger
instead of yours
you were never diagnosed anyways
you are not the avalanche
but the innocent tree
just standing there
and the stupid squirl
that always runs into traffic
that is you
that is me
learn to be wise
learn to meditate
on your own
learn to learn
and learn to live
because i have failed many tests
but the semester is continuing
dont drop out
please.

393 · Nov 2015

Bath

hello Nov 2015

Bath

Hot water so hot it turns you cold and you are really cooking but you don't care until you get prunes for fingers and a dizzy high. Your legs are jelly because their almost done you should've waited a little longer. Head back waiting for the water to cover your nose it'll be done but one **** and your crying and you hate that you thought that again you thought That. You haven't thought That in so long and you blame it on the weather and get a heat lamp like everyone else.

390 · May 2013

Rain bodies

hello May 2013

Rain bodies

Be the evaporating
Tears circulating in the air
sometimes I'll wish
To drown
But you leave too fast
So later on today
When and if
It rains
I will go out
With a big bottle
And catch a few drops
Of you
Hopefully you'll stay
Long enough for me
To admire the way
Tiny versions of yourself
Slip into bigger ones

387 · Sep 2013

Sidewalks

hello Sep 2013

Sidewalks

Maybe people think
I'm crazy when they see me
Staring intently
At faces and signs
But it's because
I see you

387 · Oct 2013

Again

hello Oct 2013

Again

I've uncovered the refresh
Button

I'm never turning back

386 · Sep 2016

Hot

hello Sep 2016

Hot

I sit in a sun spot and lean against hot metal
I'm burning but I haven't felt warmth in so long
It feels good
My skin crawls
I'm quiet

386 · Mar 2015

Dead/alive

hello Mar 2015

Dead/alive

There's someone waiting behind a door waiting to greet me with memories I've never forgotten
There's a window reflecting your thoughts instead of the outside world because I'm trapped in the thought of what it is like in your head
You hold my hand and I know

384 · Apr 2013

Poem about a poem

hello Apr 2013

Poem about a poem

Poetry shouldn't be based off
Lines or stanzas
It shouldn't have rules
On how to rhyme or how
To write
It shouldn't be pre-planned
Poetry should be you
It should be what you feel
Those impulses that flow from
Your brain and take over your fingers
It shouldn't be forced
You should feel these words flying at you
100 miles per hour
You should write them down
As soon as you think of them
So you don't forget how you felt
In that moment
Your mind is the paint
Your words are the colors
Your world is the paper
Dare to really say
How you feel

381 · Jan 2016

Chosen

hello Jan 2016

Chosen

My brain mixes up
what my heart knows
My brain remembers
My heart reminisces
My brain tell me no
But my heart reminds me
Why I say yes
Its hard to listen
To people
And their advice
Its hard to listen
To yourself
And your advice
I don't know what
To choose
I'm scared that
If I choose
My heart
I'll never think again
And if I choose
My brain
I'll never love again
Which one really
Completes me?

378 · May 2013

roses

hello May 2013

roses

he planted a kiss
on my lips
now i'm growing
a garden

374 · Jul 2013

Untitled

hello Jul 2013

Untitled

you matter to a lot of people
you may not even know
you matter a lot
to these people
but we all secretly admire
someone

372 · Sep 2016

September

hello Sep 2016

September

The winds of a new month flow into my window and I shiver naked under covers
Goosebumps remind me it's too cold to be alone
I imagine the warmth of his palm around my cheek but it sends shivers down my spine
It's quieter outside now, the insects and bird are sleeping too
It's darker outside now, the sun has had its late nights and it's time to get back to normal
Whats normal now? What will normal be for now on?
I wish you were here instead of this blanket

372 · Aug 2013

Sea

hello Aug 2013

Sea

You're a parasite and I am the host
You **** everything out of me
Just to make yourself
Feel better

369 · Sep 2018

Heal

hello Sep 2018

Heal

How do you comfort a loved one
Who has been hurt by their lover?
Does it ever get easier to see the bruises
The scars
The shallowness in her breathing?
I look at her
My blood and my soul sharer
How could he?

363 · Jul 2013

in my opinion: sky

hello Jul 2013

in my opinion: sky

if you ever feel like your life is grey, just look up at the sky
and you will have a front row seat of the newest (yet oldest)
unique display by the most
creditable artist of all time.

361 · Aug 2013

August 23, 2013 1:00 AM

hello Aug 2013

August 23, 2013 1:00 AM

Suicide sounded like a life saver
that was thrown to me
from me

I realize now that
this wasn't the case.

i am getting help and feeling better with each step.

356 · Nov 2015

Tenessee

hello Nov 2015

Tenessee

You experience death for the first time even though she has a breathing tube
You see your sister cry and you remember why you took this trip and you remember she has feelings and its not just you
You eat and drink and talk to distract the fact that someone is passing by and the relationship you had-no matter how short- was not insignificant
It's hard to grasp that this will happen throughout life and its not just something that happens in the movies.
You finally understand that life is real and its not some dream and you wonder how it'll hurt when you relive a death again

You wish people lived forever.

355 · May 2014

3 words

hello May 2014

3 words

girls are stupid

350 · Mar 2018

nobody no body

hello Mar 2018

nobody no body

i thought i could replace you
quickly
not even a week later i thought
i had moved on
i hurt him for using him and lied to myself
about using his body
i need to be alone
i need to be by myself
just me
i hope i can do this

350 · Mar 2016

Trigger

hello Mar 2016

Trigger

Matching spaces in between our ribs
I count the bones in your vertabrae
Its romantic to me and I'm in love
With the feeling of being
Empty