Nostalgia that I feel
as though I subconsciously
long for
is a clangorous boom
inside my head

Consciously I don't want the past,
never ever again

Somebody told me to
"Help myself
While others are helping too"
This opened my eyes
As realization dawned on me:
I can ask for help
But not give myself any
In return
I can help others
But leave myself
Helpless
When I'm feeling alone

I've seen that it is important
To learn and love yourself
Because in the end
You'll be the only one

Lifelong trip
Longing for spirituality
Sense of self as well
You embark as soon
As you breathe

You're as underrated as a ****
People see you as something
To pick out the ground
And toss over their shoulders
Like its nothing
You're considered ugly
A bother
But in reality these people
Aren't actually looking at you
They aren't observing you
Taking in all your fragile
Features
The way your tiny petals
Stretch towards the sun
The way your stem carries
You so effortlessly
When you dance in summer wind
I wish to be a ****
Like you

I am the stormy cloud
That shades the pretty sun
When you want to tan
I am the pencil shavings
That you blew off
Your desk
Because you didn't
Want me there
Anymore
I am all the rips
In your favorite
Jeans
I am your math book
Hibernating in
The bottom of your locker
You never take me
To class
Because you forget me
I am the petals
You pick off the
Sunflowers
While you chant
"She loves me,
She loves me not"
You'll never know if I do
You always pluck me off
And throw me on
The ground
I am the shadows
In your room at night
You get afraid
And turn the other
Way

life is an elevator going up sometimes

with the occasional person who pushes all of the buttons

soon it's a never ending ride

of ups and downs

Fingerprints last a long time
As do hair particles
And skin particles
They all last as long as some
Memories do
So really
It's like you never left me
Your microscopic self can
be reached
through the part
Of my brain
Where those memories reside
You can be seen under a lens
Deep in the ridges
of my skin

I still feel the honeymoon feeling
When you asked me to be yours
And the way your hands trembled
And the way your lips formed my name

Does the moon look down
At us humans
And shed a tear because
We are always writing about
How she shines
And not her being or
How she resides in the sky?
It's similar to a story about
A girl with a pretty face
We always hear about her lovely
Angles
Her lovely eyes
And how lovely her face shines
But we don't look into her
We are blind to her way of life
She wants us to notice her soul
But it's floating away
Towards the moon
And they can cry
Together.

Tell me I'm crazy with your lips
sewed tightly shut
cover my eyes with dead
leaves from a newborn tree
assure me that my roots
can be adjusted to your
high standards
cut me off from anything
even the things I stray from
draw pictures of you
spanking the clouds
comparing my tears to
the sudden outburst of drops
tell me I'm ****
surprise me with those lilacs
you stole
wrap me up like a present
mail me to yourself
forget me on your porch
even though there is a reminder
on the box that states
Fragile

wake up in the morning sighing
today i'll have a good day
today i'm gonna be happy
but the thing i can't get across
is the sighing.
i don't say it like i really want it
even though i really do
being sad 24/7 is starting to take
a toll on my body.
and you!
you!
you!
you!
why do i ******* miss you so much
when all you did
was **** me and hurt me
when all you did was say you love me
just to touch me
and why the hell
did i fall for that?
i still don't know the answer.
you throw our glass in the air
and it smashes on the floor
and you think you can just take
tape and make it okay again
by saying how good you'll make me feel
or how dumb you are for
letting me go.
why are you realizing this now?
if you really felt this way,
you would've confronted me
with your worries so we can work them out together
as a **** couple
but instead you decided
that one mistake and i was done for
even though i forgave you
so many times
i gave you so many ******* chances
way too many
i only heard one small thank you
that probably wasn't even sincere.
so i'm done asking nicely.
get the **** out of my head.
stop trying to come back
because right now
i am too weak to push you away
i loved our memories
i loved your lies
this sickening disease is
killing
me.

He's an introvert
Yet an extrovert at its finest times
He's optimistic
And a pessimist
He is the heart of a hurricane
And the floor of the calm ocean
He fixes things
Says he is broken
He contradicts himself
But acts as though he will never
Be wrong
I love how upside down
He is
I love this boy because
Of his backwardness
And his tendency to make up
Words
And places
I love this boy because
He follows the rules
But also breaks them
He is the ultimate roller coaster
I feel daring and unbuckle
My seatbelt
The drops the dips the spins
The curves
My body is thrown off
I bonk my head on the ground of his
Brain
He doesn't make sense
But he does
At the same time

The fuel you used to pulse in
My veins
Has left and I've gone super cold
Like a snake you slithered out
Just as quickly as you slithered in
You took my thoughts
Threw them out the window
Hoping someday I would bury them
And love you
Suspiciously you're feelings
Have changed from loving me
To not being sure
You were glad when I walked away
You asked to still be friends
When I looked back for a much
Longer time than I hoped to
So don't come back with those
Brown eyes that used to represent
My clear skies
And don't come back with that
**** smile
Getting me hooked all over again
You ripped my wings and made me
Convince myself that I truly
Loved you
I have no idea if you truly loved me
Or just wanted to **** me
Until you fell so fast you were
Unsure of the time but so sure
Of me

It's insane how one
One little thing
Can set me off

Guess this just shows
How much of a fuse I am
How much I am filled to
The very top
How I can not
Take anything
Anymore

i think ive been wallowing
in self pity long enough
so dont be suprised when
i dont say i miss you back
im not unrequited
just looking ahead
you ask to meet again
and i understand
because i used to need that
type of closure
needed to see
you mouth goodbye
even if we made out
and i decided i wanted
to stay
nothing is dedicated
to you anymore
your pictures join the ashes
and ill dive into a blunt
instead of listing
your old habits
in a few months
traces of you
will literally be
untraceable
i dont plan
with you in mind
im never grasping
to call you mine
my bed is warm
because ive layered the blankets
ive realized you left it colder

I've had the epiphany
Of all epiphanies

Persuasive tongues
Pleasure filled hours
Of memorizing the colors
Of your sheets
And how you sighed
In dim lighting;
Was all a scam

I felt love
Whilst you felt lust

Feeling love on my neck
Lust scratches all over your back

Now it's over though
My brain responded
To your pressures
Your eyes that only saw
Under my clothes

Yet you never wanted
To venture into
My undressed mind

i'll have to accept
myself and my previous
actions
for what i did
is so expensive
how could you
not feel
even a smudge of guilt?
you gave me you
i gave you me
for the first time
i gasped
and for the first time
i stayed with you
for more than a night
i asked
do you love me
your reply was what i expected
a yes
but it was so dark
i couldn't see
your true response.

I'm trying to love
These demon things
I may never
Reach my goal
Of admiring my
Mistakes

I really like hands
They show how much a person
Has been through
How old they are.
When you hold hands
You feel love
When you fidget your hands
You feel nervousness
When someone plays with your
Hands or fingers
It's a crush.
Soft hands
Old hands.
You make music with hands
And touch people with hands
Like how eyes are the windows
To the soul,
Hands are the connectors
To our inner self.

Forever be your silhouette
A frame instead
Of the picture
A clock with no time
Be the fall leaves that
Linger just before
The first snow
And breaths on shoulders
Not necks
Something that represents
Much more than a simple
Structure;
Or sum of its parts.
A single ray of
Lamp light
That you would say is
Synonymous to unnoticeable
But I notice how much
Darkness is needed
To see the stars
Or people who are
Falling backwards
With eyelashes glued
To cheeks.
You aren't a **** nor rose
I would never want
To think of you as something
That's slowly dying
life dies and thrives
Everyday
And every year
We pass the unknown
Anniversary to Our Deaths
Yet go to bed
Dreading the next day.
So inspect the grass,
Dust bunnies in our heads
Cover the calendars
All the clocks
Walk as if you're blind
And see what road
You wind up on.
Because gravel
Can be many miles
But don't forget
The paved
Highways.

i haven't thought about anything lately and i kinda like not thinking
i'm not thinking because i'm with you and when i'm with you
it's impossible for me to think
usually it's just a bunch of words jerking at the walls of my brain
one million mph
and sometimes we check our horoscopes
and most of the time we think together
so it's not only me thinking and not thinking
it's you
also
and sometimes you play the guitar for me
and sometimes i join in on my ukulele
sometimes we make up songs together
we sit in silence a lot
this is fine with me because i'm comfortable
being quiet with you

it is shocking that
you think it is not
shocking
muttering regrets
to me
saying you have none
to everyone else

you have a big tendency
of being the biggest
paradox i have ever encountered

i won't be waiting
for the day you realize
what you actually had said
i ask for all the strength
to push you away
when you barge in for more

payback is sometimes
the only language you speak
as well as apologies
and accusations

you look too close
don't breathe enough of it
in
before acting on it

you push on concrete
hoping somehow
you will have the strength
to shatter it
and when and if you do
you take all the cement
to fix it
only to break it again

back and forth
always a never ending game
(like ping pong)

except you always have
to be the winner
and when you are not
your language comes creeping

later on though
you will regret it

but this time i will not
care of your regrets
you're wishy washy
a hopeless romantic
(not the good kind)

little brain is racing
for all these things
to say

you want someone
mature
when you cant even
be that yourself

you are your own version
of Pandora's Box
locked away

sooner or later
someone will come along
and unlock you
just like how i did

now it is my turn
to regret

i am tired of restarting
but instead of
picking it back up again
never stopping
i will leave it

run away to the closest
state of mind where you
do not
reside

Taking a moment to
Really breathe and realize
And reflect on everything
Is a moment I love to take

Sometimes it slips my mind
All the things I have
Have done
Or have yet to experience
Or hold dearly

All the people
That have stared into my eyes
And I returned that action
For a tiny while
Only to turn away
And wish I said something.

All the sunsets I've watched
From a car window
Or my bed
Or laying on the couch
With my mother
Just having a nice
Peaceful
Moment

Watching everyone I've ever loved
Memorizing the way they
React to things
Not react to things
The way they breathe
And blink
And the way their mouth
Turns upside down
Or up right into the most
Beautiful smile
Way more worthy
Than a model on the cover
Of Vogue

Even the way I notice
How I have etched some
Of my ways into a dear friend
Or cousin
Or someone younger than I am
Seeing how they may think
Some of the same things
Or recite the same things
I have said
As if they are quoting
The most famous poet

Or feeling a smile creep up
When someone cute agrees
With what you have came up with
Or likes the same things you do
Having a rush when
A cute he or she comes up
And says hello

receiving a simple compliment
From a total stranger
Even if it is
"I love your shoes"
Even though you only wore them
Because you didn't have anything
Better
And you really didn't like them
But this compliment makes you feel
Better about them

Everyone's nice until the ******* in their brain starts coming out their mouth

Deeper than the ocean could not explain how I feel on these dreary days and as light as a cloud could never express how much I want to weigh. Dip me in radioactive waste, hoping I get a taste of what I am doing to myself; maybe I will retrieve with powers that make me more invisible than I already perceive myself to be. Depression is an old sleepy dog inside my mind. It gets excited and stays longer when I sulk around in my own depths of self pity. I want to put this dog down, sadly I can't seem to give it up. I'm still waiting for the day my eye doctor asks what drugs I have been taking because I always am bloodshot but you can't see it unless you wish to investigate me further (no one wants to).  I want the weather to speak for me; starting pouring when I want to and start thundering when I want to scream, but, I do not control the Earth and she does not control me. I'd like to think I am related to Pluto because I have been forgotten and downgraded from my own species of human life. In a hopeful haze of waiting. Waiting for my petals to finally bloom and the right person to come along and pluck me out the ground just to see what's up. For now on though, I am dry grass. I'm only used to be set on fire for your own personal warmth.

I feel the snowflakes
In early July
Covering the streets
Shading my eyes in
It's sleet

Snowflakes and sun
Beating down on bare backs
Beaches filled with
Laughing bodies

Still there is a corner
Where a small pale girl
Looks out onto the ocean
Wishing to feel the sun
To feel the warmth
Of anything

Snow tends to pile up
Rain can make it more
Dreary

Haven't felt the safeness
Of the only light
In the sky
For quite some time

It worries me to know
That even if it is
80 degrees

I'm neck deep

In ice crystals

Charisma is embedded into
Your DNA and the blood
That flows in all your arteries
Fascinates me
Your long pale limbs
Shimmer in winters sun
And sway in falls leaves
Eyes hold so much vastness
So when I tell you I get lost them
I really mean it
Counting all the times you blink
Envying the lashes that sometimes
Kiss your cheeks  
You're like a title
To a speechless piece
You can not cram so many
Emotions and feelings
Into a few little words
You are the cups of water
I drink first thing in the morning
feel you travel down
My esophagus
Giving me goosebumps
Every time you look my way
I wonder how someone could be
That beautiful

Why can't I just
Move on completely
Without this yearning closure
That's as clangorous as
A gun shot

You've seem to have split me
Into two
I miss you tattooed,
Moved on etched into
My still veins

My nerves are failing
My feet move
Yet my brain is frozen
All I see is you

The night is suicidal upon
My mind
Threatening to only leave me
With this body
Hands betray me
I've stopped trusting them
Long ago
When all they wanted to touch
Was you

Time has deceived me
You only seem to sulk around
When it is late;
my mind is barren
As well as solemn

I've realized I can live without you
My organs are still pumping;
But I'm drowning in a sea
Of conflicted and unrequited
I miss you's,
Yet my head sometimes comes
To surface and I can admire
The moon
But not as much as
I admire you

I've apologized
To the night
(Also to you)
Sparkling stars are
Synonymous to their
Forgiveness
While your silence shouts louder
Than anything I've ever heard
Before

So I can run a few miles
But I'm panting for breath
At the end
Don't be surprised
If I go into
Cardiac arrest!

Because my book continues
But the ink is wearing thin
The next chapter is
So far away

So I will make my world a window
See you when I wish to
And seal the blinds
Once I have fulfilled the want
For closure

All my doors have been bolted
So please visit
But do not
Come in.

Bury a phone in my coffin
loaded with
Voicemails from you
So I can listen to your voice
For those lonely times
Underground