I've memorized
The way your ceiling looks
And how your brown eyes
Work me over
While you hands caress me so softly
Like one wrong move
And I'll shatter
You breathe how much you love
The way my mouth
Forms into a circle
so delicately
And my toes curl
In these moments
All I can think about
Is how we are one
How much I really love you

Suicide sounded like a life saver
that was thrown to me
from me


I realize now that
this wasn't the case.

I still feel the honeymoon feeling
When you asked me to be yours
And the way your hands trembled
And the way your lips formed my name

The theme to Jepoardy
No longer rings
All around my 3D exsistance
Because I am not
In Jepoardy
Of falling in love
With you

Be my 2 am
You'll see that in this early hour of the morning
The real me surfaces
Because no one is looking
No one is taking me in
Thinking about it
My 2 am knows more than I ever will
Because somedays I have forgotten
What I used to fret over at this time
It will always know what I thought of last
Before my eyelids faltered
It will always know what I looked like
When my breathing became steady and even
So, if only I could shove
Every single 2 am
Inside my brain
I will know exactly what I think of you
I will know exactly why I am so sad
But I do not have hyperthymesia
So I will never know
But if time does not exist
And only clocks do;
Maybe 2 am is just a personality
That finally takes over
Once I've realized
How lonely
I am

She's gnawing her way out of the back door in my brain and swallowing me whole
(I was never allowed to chew when she was present yet I am her supper)

You're a parasite and I am the host
You **** everything out of me
Just to make yourself
Feel better

Deeper than the ocean could not explain how I feel on these dreary days and as light as a cloud could never express how much I want to weigh. Dip me in radioactive waste, hoping I get a taste of what I am doing to myself; maybe I will retrieve with powers that make me more invisible than I already perceive myself to be. Depression is an old sleepy dog inside my mind. It gets excited and stays longer when I sulk around in my own depths of self pity. I want to put this dog down, sadly I can't seem to give it up. I'm still waiting for the day my eye doctor asks what drugs I have been taking because I always am bloodshot but you can't see it unless you wish to investigate me further (no one wants to).  I want the weather to speak for me; starting pouring when I want to and start thundering when I want to scream, but, I do not control the Earth and she does not control me. I'd like to think I am related to Pluto because I have been forgotten and downgraded from my own species of human life. In a hopeful haze of waiting. Waiting for my petals to finally bloom and the right person to come along and pluck me out the ground just to see what's up. For now on though, I am dry grass. I'm only used to be set on fire for your own personal warmth.

Why can't I just
Move on completely
Without this yearning closure
That's as clangorous as
A gun shot

You've seem to have split me
Into two
I miss you tattooed,
Moved on etched into
My still veins

My nerves are failing
My feet move
Yet my brain is frozen
All I see is you

The night is suicidal upon
My mind
Threatening to only leave me
With this body
Hands betray me
I've stopped trusting them
Long ago
When all they wanted to touch
Was you

Time has deceived me
You only seem to sulk around
When it is late;
my mind is barren
As well as solemn

I've realized I can live without you
My organs are still pumping;
But I'm drowning in a sea
Of conflicted and unrequited
I miss you's,
Yet my head sometimes comes
To surface and I can admire
The moon
But not as much as
I admire you

I've apologized
To the night
(Also to you)
Sparkling stars are
Synonymous to their
Forgiveness
While your silence shouts louder
Than anything I've ever heard
Before

So I can run a few miles
But I'm panting for breath
At the end
Don't be surprised
If I go into
Cardiac arrest!

Because my book continues
But the ink is wearing thin
The next chapter is
So far away

So I will make my world a window
See you when I wish to
And seal the blinds
Once I have fulfilled the want
For closure

All my doors have been bolted
So please visit
But do not
Come in.

Nostalgia that I feel
as though I subconsciously
long for
is a clangorous boom
inside my head

Consciously I don't want the past,
never ever again

Somebody told me to
"Help myself
While others are helping too"
This opened my eyes
As realization dawned on me:
I can ask for help
But not give myself any
In return
I can help others
But leave myself
Helpless
When I'm feeling alone

I've seen that it is important
To learn and love yourself
Because in the end
You'll be the only one

Lifelong trip
Longing for spirituality
Sense of self as well
You embark as soon
As you breathe

you matter to a lot of people
you may not even know
you matter a lot
to these people
but we all secretly admire
someone

if you ever feel like your life is grey, just look up at the sky
and you will have a front row seat of the newest (yet oldest)
unique display by the most
creditable artist of all time.

I am not here to measure
your faults
and I am hoping
you aren't here to do the same
to me
we can not put them
on a scale until
it is balanced
I forgive the past
for whatever you have done
your mistakes do not
define you

Taking a moment to
Really breathe and realize
And reflect on everything
Is a moment I love to take

Sometimes it slips my mind
All the things I have
Have done
Or have yet to experience
Or hold dearly

All the people
That have stared into my eyes
And I returned that action
For a tiny while
Only to turn away
And wish I said something.

All the sunsets I've watched
From a car window
Or my bed
Or laying on the couch
With my mother
Just having a nice
Peaceful
Moment

Watching everyone I've ever loved
Memorizing the way they
React to things
Not react to things
The way they breathe
And blink
And the way their mouth
Turns upside down
Or up right into the most
Beautiful smile
Way more worthy
Than a model on the cover
Of Vogue

Even the way I notice
How I have etched some
Of my ways into a dear friend
Or cousin
Or someone younger than I am
Seeing how they may think
Some of the same things
Or recite the same things
I have said
As if they are quoting
The most famous poet

Or feeling a smile creep up
When someone cute agrees
With what you have came up with
Or likes the same things you do
Having a rush when
A cute he or she comes up
And says hello

receiving a simple compliment
From a total stranger
Even if it is
"I love your shoes"
Even though you only wore them
Because you didn't have anything
Better
And you really didn't like them
But this compliment makes you feel
Better about them

it is shocking that
you think it is not
shocking
muttering regrets
to me
saying you have none
to everyone else

you have a big tendency
of being the biggest
paradox i have ever encountered

i won't be waiting
for the day you realize
what you actually had said
i ask for all the strength
to push you away
when you barge in for more

payback is sometimes
the only language you speak
as well as apologies
and accusations

you look too close
don't breathe enough of it
in
before acting on it

you push on concrete
hoping somehow
you will have the strength
to shatter it
and when and if you do
you take all the cement
to fix it
only to break it again

back and forth
always a never ending game
(like ping pong)

except you always have
to be the winner
and when you are not
your language comes creeping

later on though
you will regret it

but this time i will not
care of your regrets
you're wishy washy
a hopeless romantic
(not the good kind)

little brain is racing
for all these things
to say

you want someone
mature
when you cant even
be that yourself

you are your own version
of Pandora's Box
locked away

sooner or later
someone will come along
and unlock you
just like how i did

now it is my turn
to regret

i am tired of restarting
but instead of
picking it back up again
never stopping
i will leave it

run away to the closest
state of mind where you
do not
reside

life is an elevator going up sometimes

with the occasional person who pushes all of the buttons

soon it's a never ending ride

of ups and downs

I feel the snowflakes
In early July
Covering the streets
Shading my eyes in
It's sleet

Snowflakes and sun
Beating down on bare backs
Beaches filled with
Laughing bodies

Still there is a corner
Where a small pale girl
Looks out onto the ocean
Wishing to feel the sun
To feel the warmth
Of anything

Snow tends to pile up
Rain can make it more
Dreary

Haven't felt the safeness
Of the only light
In the sky
For quite some time

It worries me to know
That even if it is
80 degrees

I'm neck deep

In ice crystals

This feeling is synonymous
to being buried alive
Dirt caught in my throat
Rotting my words
Weighing down my sense
Of right and wrong
Saying one thing
Thinking another
I have no idea what
Is happening
Why this is going on
Again
Hoping underground is dangerous
No one is there to hear you
Cry or think
Doing the dangerous things
To keep me alive
Is what I do best
So I will crawl out of this
Burning hole
That is so close to hell
I will fall into your arms
Hoping you will catch me
Without hiding a knife behind
Your back
Like always
There is a front door leading
To my mind
you have locked it
I cannot get in


You cannot get out

Maybe you are refueling what you once pumped into my fragile veins
Maybe I am falling for your eyes again
Maybe I am
I hope I am
I hope I am not

I want to die but I want to live
I see dying as a way out
Living as a locked door
But if I find the key I could
Live in peace
Wait patiently for my turn to go
And be happy about that

Livingbreathing is easier without you
Because you used to suffocate me
But it's funny
I thought I would die without you
Now I know this isn't true
May never be true
Till I find that "someone"
I'm not looking
I am looking for myself though

The 3 am foggy hospital scents got to know me better than you ever did
The uncomfortable disinfected couches
made me feel more at home
then you ever did
and the floor caught me better
than your arms

The fuel you used to pulse in
My veins
Has left and I've gone super cold
Like a snake you slithered out
Just as quickly as you slithered in
You took my thoughts
Threw them out the window
Hoping someday I would bury them
And love you
Suspiciously you're feelings
Have changed from loving me
To not being sure
You were glad when I walked away
You asked to still be friends
When I looked back for a much
Longer time than I hoped to
So don't come back with those
Brown eyes that used to represent
My clear skies
And don't come back with that
**** smile
Getting me hooked all over again
You ripped my wings and made me
Convince myself that I truly
Loved you
I have no idea if you truly loved me
Or just wanted to **** me
Until you fell so fast you were
Unsure of the time but so sure
Of me

You're a house with white walls with the occasional  black marks and a few paintings made by a kid. Your garden is almost dead but the biggest tree in your yard is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen yet you don't notice it as much. You are long and quite big when no one is around and when someone is in you all alone they feel this emptiness and they can sense what you're lacking yet they don't say anything because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Your roof is in great shape and the deck outside should be stained to a darker shade of wood according to you but you don't notice the three pink flowers leading up to your door as much. The lightbulbs outside have burned out years ago so you put on this face that makes you look alive but on the inside you're still white walls and stained carpets and slamming doors.

read me like your favorite book
wander me like i'm your favorite place
let me know that i captivate you
and that you don't want to blink
because you might miss something

Calling you every night just to hear that familiar melody has been etched into my persona and talking about you non stop has been sewed into my taste buds and I think they like they way your name rolls off my tongue time after time.
Hearing similar words that you said to me automatically trigger some beautiful daze and I remember how you said that I meant everything. The sun beating down on me, hearing a car **** by, listening to a strangers laugh, everything and anything beautiful reminds me of you and its starting to make it hard to live when the only air I breathe is you and the only thing I see is you. Waiting for forever (even though this time period I call forever may only be a few hours) just to touch you makes me insane to the point where someone should admit me to the closest hospital because I may have some type of heart failure in the next few seconds and of course I'm exaggerating but the love I feel for you is so over the top and is so overwhelming but in a good way.
So please hold my hand permanently don't ever let me go and don't ever let me think of you as anything other than amazing and please don't ever hurt me because then I'll die and you already have a big chunk of my heart laying restlessly on your pillow.

I'm no longer a single flower
Transforming into a bed
Of roses when I'm with you
Tending to me
Scaring off the people
Who want to rip us out the ground
Because we astonish them
We sway at different speeds
Marvel at different lights
But in a different way
We are the same
Our petals sometimes wilt
It will reveal how we are more
Than the sum of our parts
Not just a stem
And a pretty scent
A symbol of love
And peace
Lasting forever is not
On our to-do list
We want to hurdle towards
Earth together
And when we do die
Ill be there subtly smiling
When you walk by
Remembering how we once
Grew together

I hope the sky is clear
For you tonight
And I hope the moon
Reminds you of my eyes
Instead of being down
The street
You're a few thousand miles
Away
Connecting with you
Is now replaced with
Falling hard
My bruises are where I made
Wishes
For your kisses
Your brown eyes
Are reflections
Of cloudless skies