How do you comfort a loved one
Who has been hurt by their lover?
Does it ever get easier to see the bruises
The scars
The shallowness in her breathing?
I look at her
My blood and my soul sharer
How could he?

I am tired of finding joy in other people

i thought i could replace you
quickly
not even a week later i thought
i had moved on
i hurt him for using him and lied to myself
about using his body
i need to be alone
i need to be by myself
just me
i hope i can do this

How is it still possible that I think about you at night
How is it still possible that I miss you still
But now the missing comes mostly at night
How is it still possible that I can’t listen to certain songs or go certain places because I’ll think of you and I still look over to my passenger seat hoping I’ll see you sitting bopping your head to the music and holding my hand

I **** him but I still see you

I scream every night and no sound comes out
I didn’t know my body could produce so many tears

10:28 I’m in bed the feeling hits every night around this time
I haven’t written
I forgot what words are
Seasonal depression is ******* dumb

I miss being skinny being cold being thin
Skinny enough where I can cup my ribs and never feel my thighs touch ever
I miss seeing hip bones through clothes and cringing when I bang them on walls or counters I miss seeing the numbers drop and the weight fall off

I scarf everything down and binge like I haven't in months I want to throw it all up and kick myself for giving in to my disgusting cravings and I hate me I hate me I hate me

I was with you because I loved the **** you grew in your basement and I loved the smoke that always came out of your pores
I loved the trouble and the panic when I almost got caught
I was with you because no one else wanted me and no one else would give me free **** and no one else would **** me and leave me alone
I only was with you and pretended to love you because I loved your drugs and I loved you inside of me until you forced me
I smoke a different strain and it's better than yours

I have not felt guilt yet
I have not had a second thought
I have no bad feelings about what
I had done
When will it hit me?

I only feel happy
When I'm high enough to feel
Only tingiling in my fingers
And a the sensational rush of
Ice cold water across
My dry tongue and down my
Empty throat
I wish to be full
I haven't been full in years
And in both ways
I only feel okay when I'm out
Where's my peace in being alone
I'm alone in the dark in the house
Only one here talking to walls
While they are out
And I am trapped

I feel at ease when I breathe in
The scent entitled
'home'
It's ingredients are the memories
I've had to endure
And some I have enjoyed
My room used to smell like my tears
And my sobs
It now smells of temple incense
And sweat
from touching myself at night
Now my car has a smell
It's new and I'm learning
How to label it
But everyone says it's good
My clothes have a scent and some
Are so old
The smell lingers for years and
As I pull over a sweatshirt
I remember a familiar face
I'm wrapped up in your scent
As if you're breathing on my neck
Instead of a caress
It is suffocating
The threads hold memories of how
Your hair smelled
How the shampoo you used
Irritated my skin
And how the **** you smoked
Was skunky and strong
Now you smell of cigarettes and
Spit
I wish to never taste
That scent again
My blankets enfold me in
Summer nights
And my pillow case is wet
My carpet is stained orange-
But I could talk about the stains
I've come to memorize
For years
A smell goes away
And I forget who it comes from
If it was mine
Or yours

I sit in a sun spot and lean against hot metal
I'm burning but I haven't felt warmth in so long
It feels good
My skin crawls
I'm quiet

You are not tangible anymore
I can't feel your skin
The sweat on your brow
Or the twitch in your fingers
I hope I don't forget

The winds of a new month flow into my window and I shiver naked under covers
Goosebumps remind me it's too cold to be alone
I imagine the warmth of his palm around my cheek but it sends shivers down my spine
It's quieter outside now, the insects and bird are sleeping too
It's darker outside now, the sun has had its late nights and it's time to get back to normal
Whats normal now? What will normal be for now on?
I wish you were here instead of this blanket

How naive of me
How childish how illogical
Of me to think
You could love
And I could grow
My memories froze and I am stuck
In the past in the deep past
The sadness entrapped
It does not go away

I hear blood in the form of words
You cut me and scrape scratch slice
Me
'I regret you'
I'm the person you dread
'I wish I never met you'
But you know if you never did
You wouldn't be addicted
You would have substance to your life
But you need hurt
You need violence
And you need need need
Attention
Just like me
Poison for each other
But it's prescribed

Your breathing chest is my pillow
I felt the muscles tense as you smiled
Stroked my head and my cheek

Will I ever be good enough?
Will anyone ever be good enough for me?
If I find you in the wrong time
Please come back to me

I'm obsessed with the number
And the size
The feeling of my thighs
I can feel
Weight
Not just on my shoulders
I don't put a needle in my vein
**** up my nose
So when I say I've been clean
Zero days
I'm probably seen as
A ******
I'm a ****** for the scale
For the feeling of
Weightless
For the look of
Bones
For the concerning question
Are you okay?
Because I am not
Okay
I tell everyone I am anyways

Being ****** all day has its positives
Time goes by so slow
I melt in the couch and forget all
My problems
Not my problems
Just forget
But then lonely
Lonely
I am bored I am
Lonely

I belly flopped into a pool of things
I didn't want to happen
but the water rushed up and my stomach caved in I feel
Stinging
the sting of pictures and words I remember
I didn't want to feel
Them
I'm overwhelmed now with the thing I did not want to take place
but I knew it would
Anyways

The sun stretches through the leafs and the branches
highlighting the beauty of the early morning
there's peace in being alone

The curve of your life line fits around my waist and the shortness of your breath makes me look at my palm and see
my life line is short
closing my eyes is romantic breathing is romantic walking and running and twitching in my sleep everything is romantic
i romanticize the universe and its ability to ****
we have no place to stay but our homes but our homes are not our homes they are the
Houses
the windows are clear i see you behind blinds and thick curtains i see you cry and know the familiar sound of
Weeping
but the trace of wetness on your cheeks propels me to stare the tear escapes in and out of your nose and in between
The Lips
features and flaws are washed and stained and i can smell the deep violent of your cry
the shaking the turmoil the fading of consciousness is all too known
it's recognized so well because i cry in front of the mirror
now i know vulnerability

Mouth gets watery
Cheeks tense up
Eyes get warm
I'm crying

I'm wallowing
In my robe and in my sadness
I'm naked in a towel
Dripping hair dripping
Sadness
The dirt circling the drain
Doesn't go away
I'm wallowing in
My dirt
In a clean space
I wallow in
Sadness

You're gone because I kicked you out I feel empowered knowing this and knowing that you will not touch me again and knowing that I don't have to fear *** because you won't be pushing something down my throat
I feel so good

I'm in love with your high eyes
Droopy and red
Watery and filled with daze
I'm in love with the smoke you blow
In my mouth
I'm in love with the way you caress me
I love the smell
The taste
The burn
I'm in love with the way
You say you love me
When you're high

Matching spaces in between our ribs
I count the bones in your vertabrae
Its romantic to me and I'm in love
With the feeling of being
Empty

She takes two hits from the bowl
Holds in the smoke then blows
She's exotic with long hair
The color of her dark brown eyes
Match with her olive toned skin
She speaks to me in foreign tongue
Charismatic even when she's high
I want to be the smoke in her lungs
The bowl she puts her lips on
And the lighter she loses

Hovering around the Cold White Dragon I review my day in calories
120
12
50
100
And pounds
1
2
3
5
I feel the weight
Heavy
Overbearing
Crushing
I see it in my face
In my flesh
In my cheeks
In the places where
I wish they concaved
I feel the spaces in between
My ribs
My thighs
I feel the sharp jut of
My hip bones
My collarbones
My wrist bones
The Cold White Dragon
Is calling to me
It is yelling for me
It is in my brain
It is in my eyes
It is in my sight
I kneel and give in
To the Cold White Dragon
Once again.

This is the first day in a while
That I have not had the haze
Clouds fill my mouth
Scents stain my fingertips
I don't want to be sober

I miss the ******* old times
I feel the bad times creeping back in
I don't know how much longer
I will be able to fake it

I miss how things used to be and it hurts knowing they will never be like that again

My brain mixes up
what my heart knows
My brain remembers
My heart reminisces
My brain tell me no
But my heart reminds me
Why I say yes
Its hard to listen
To people
And their advice
Its hard to listen
To yourself
And your advice
I don't know what
To choose
I'm scared that
If I choose
My heart
I'll never think again
And if I choose
My brain
I'll never love again
Which one really
Completes me?

It felt good to finally give in

You experience death for the first time even though she has a breathing tube
You see your sister cry and you remember why you took this trip and you remember she has feelings and its not just you
You eat and drink and talk to distract the fact that someone is passing by and the relationship you had-no matter how short- was not insignificant
It's hard to grasp that this will happen throughout life and its not just something that happens in the movies.
You finally understand that life is real and its not some dream and you wonder how it'll hurt when you relive a death again


You wish people lived forever.

Hot water so hot it turns you cold and you are really cooking but you don't care until you get prunes for fingers and a dizzy high. Your legs are jelly because their almost done you should've waited a little longer. Head back waiting for the water to cover your nose it'll be done but one **** and your crying and you hate that you thought that again you thought That. You haven't thought That in so long and you blame it on the weather and get a heat lamp like everyone else.

I don't know how to feel about what you did. You ****** my ex but you're supposed to be my best friend.

I thought this was over why is it happening
Again?
I was happy and I thought I was healed
Why is this sneaking up on me in the shower
Why does it feel like my mind doesn't turn on until late at night?

The people that already know about my past are gone and I need to talk to someone who has been there

How treacherous are the days where all my insides fall out of my ears.
I forgot I had all those clogged arteries against my heart
Wrapping around the beating vessel like an umbilical cord around an infants head
Heavenly when it stops beating

I wonder why I blow up in your car and you pat my leg and tell me things will be okay but I don't believe you

I miss you again tonight and I want to ask how you are but it'll hurt you and it'll hurt me and I remember that I told you I don't love you anymore and something left your voice in the long pause but something left and I wanted to take back what I said but then I'd be faking it

**** WHY DO I STILL FEEL EVERYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO YOU I WANT TO FEEL NOTHING

This season makes me sad and I'm only on 25 milligrams. If I don't get away soon history will repeat itself

You said *******
But I love you
But we're family
With Bacardi leaving your eyes
I wonder how much of that is true

I don't know why I gave up writing
I'm okay now