i remember going back and forth
telling myself how better off id be
without you
and then with you
i couldn't give you up
until i grew up
and now people only want
my legs spread
and i give it to them
my mother calls me a *****
and i cry because shes right
my fathers a homophobic
so i cant show who i am
in this ******* house
and those parts of me are
really actually okay
but is something new forming
is something growing with me
that i never had before?

girls are stupid

i hear you waiting by the bathroom door
just to make sure im not throwing up
in the shower
and at the dinner table you watch me eat
and count my bites
and how i cut my food
but this has vanished from my mind
i dont count calories
or **** my abs during the night
i am free
from her grasp
and it finally feels nice
to feel full

all i do is get drunk and high because im lonely but i dont want you or you or you or any of you.

i do not know
why i still check on you
maybe because i like it when people
make sure that i am
still okay
but
when you reply bitter
and mean
it makes me angry
because here i am
wiping your tears
without asking for anything
and here you are
slapping me
in return

eventually something turns us
in a certain direction
eventually someone comes
and divides our attention
we are not attentive
we are not paying any mind
to the rule board
we are diving in shallow water
and when our brains spill
wonder why we got this way
what made me this way
who made me this way
when did i become
this
this blood is my fault
i had a choice
and i choose that road
that person
and a hospital setting
shows up and knocks
sense back into you
it never left though
you are not harmless
inflicting those thoughts
but there is masking tape
and staples right over there
anything you might need
to stick it back together
you havent known asthma
until the ring is on her finger
instead of yours
you were never diagnosed anyways
you are not the avalanche
but the innocent tree
just standing there
and the stupid squirl
that always runs into traffic
that is you
that is me
learn to be wise
learn to meditate
on your own
learn to learn
and learn to live
because i have failed many tests
but the semester is continuing
dont drop out
please.