hello

hello Feb 2014

absent

we fall in love
by unbuttoning jeans
and complaining of belts
being too tight
you never kiss
just watch
and later on you leave
without the goodbye
i was hoping for.
night after night
this becomes our routine
and i realize
i am tired
tired of the cold slapping me
while walking to your house
tired of being quiet
instead of outrageous
tired of conforming to this boring
act
you know nothing about me
except for the way your hands
fit around my tiny waist
and that i love your eyes
but you never look at me
like that
but i found her
she looked at me like that
and she touched me like that
and she kissed me like that
we havent spoken in so long
she is absent
from my grip
and her laugh haunts me
im growing and moving
on without the both of you
but i think this is what it is like
to be free
and to make the choices best for me

hello Jan 2014

Untitled

transform a thought anyway you want
because you a nymph and life
would be dreadful as a goddess
because you're already beautiful
and when your cuts turn to scabs
and scabs to scars
don't think of your skin
as a battle land
because it is a canvas
a mosaic
made of broken things
when your brain
has remembered to water
its flowers
you will cry
tears of joy
because you finally took a shower
without throwing up
and you finally did the dishes
without taking the steak knife
to your room.
you finally did life tasks
without the nagging cloud
global warming is not just
effecting the earth

hello Jan 2014

nothing

and when i think no one misses me
i think again
clearer this time
because the people that do not miss me
just show they never cared
a week later and you are right back
to her
like i am dust
and maybe in your eyes i am nothing
but that
the people that do miss me
ask me how i am
how i have been
where i want to be
the people that miss me
do not tell me they love me
they show it
with ways greater than words or actions
i was blinded by your
pursed lips
and the way you said my name
i closed a door in their face
and left it wide open for you
which was a big mistake
but when you walked away
know i cried
and when you didnt come back
until you needed something
know i was happy
because
i realized
you mean nothing
except for a
soul and a body
i do not
want to interact with
anymore

as horrible as it may sound
you mean nothing
nothing
to me.

hello Jan 2014

?

Lips be the knife
Because your arms
Are scarred enough
And words the sting
**** them and let them bleed
Resort to your tongue
The voice you were blessed with
Money flying out of your parents pockets
They work and live and cry because
Who knows where you are
Even when you're just in your bedroom
Therapist voice is the only thing you hear
In nightmares and through earbuds
You are deaf to music and compliments
I am the Positive Influence
You agree when I say things will be okay
But have you heard me hurl my dinner
Into the toliet lately?
The only thing I'm influencing is a heavy mind
You don't use what you've learned
That is your fault
And when we are laying
Next to one another
I hear you breathe I wish I never met you
And when the sun shakes us
You kiss me.

hello Nov 2013

pearly smile

it's almost funny how you can control your own thoughts and your own feelings. it's almost funny that it was this easy. but i dont think about this as often anymore because i am so happy. not ecstatic not elated. just happy. i am not eternally sad or mad or frustrated. just happy. i have not bathed myself in ***** water for weeks now and i have used soap in all the right places and made sure my taste buds were scrubbed. i feed myself with respect and i cuddle myself with people who make me laugh so hard i **** myself and they are the ones who make me think how i ever got bad. i reevaluate the things i say i regret doing, and now i do not regret doing or saying or feeling any of those things. they happened for a reason and now i am here. just happy.

hello Nov 2013

Composition

I am going to pick up
the breaths I dropped
and put them back into my lungs
I will let my heart
caress every vein
every place where
warming blood flows
i am going to open my eyes
like the summer solstice
see things in a new light
Teenage Sadness is starting
to bore me to death
(Literally)
the Twisteds are leaving me
and i remember that
i have a Choice
mind shrinkers and numbing medicine
are things i look forward to getting rid of
toxic relationships
will be washed away down the drain
with my shampoo
because i'll realize
i don't want to put my happiness
in someone else's hands
i will read books
kiss people
wear the same shoes everyday
because i feel like it
explanations can be overrated
i won't let tears run
because the number on the scale
isn't what i want it to be
i will Live
not just exist
Live
Live
Live
happily and healthily
multiple ephanies will be
a girls best friend
i see that i can
do This
all these bodies will only be around
for 3 more years
all this work i am not interested in
will only be around
for 3 more years
i will leave when i can
and i will remember
the Specifics
this town is full of scars
i am eager for new flesh
i have faith in
growing

hello Nov 2013

out of the hat

I am a magician
as well as the box
it's contents are my organs
and I try to pull them out
show them off
on a happy display
echos of ooo's
aaa's
im doing well
but everyone knows
magic is created
where the heart lives
and where little kids wander
off to the woods
fairy tales i wish i was still
a part of
the routine is fake
like the smile;
it is used for assurance
for others well being
certainly not my own
magic is a placebo
for how I really feel
occassionaly
I get asked
how'd you do it?
but telling will put me back
to the beginning
white coats running everywhere
machines beeping
disinfectant being sprayed
contraptions shoving air
back into my lungs
men with heavy accents
deciphering and diagnosing
and i will wish
magic was in my hands
so one quick flick
and i'd be
gone