Push yourself too hard
And it becomes counterproductive.
From motivation
To deterioration.
From passion
To pain.
Maybe I'm planning my own downfall.
If this is it,
Just let me go already.

i miss the sound of your voice but i guess the rain tapping on my window will suffice for tonight.
we haven't seen each other for months now and i was calling to say that this morning when i was getting my bagel, that song you told me reminded you of me came on, and i wanted to cry because, because -
well,
you know why.

and, i guess i'm calling because only you understand
how that would break my heart.

if my alarm clock was the sound of your voice the snooze button would collect dust.
nobody will ever be to me what you were and still are.

i'm trying to save up my money. to leave. to be free.
not afraid of being moved anymore. of packing everything and leaving.
with nothing but a wool coat and a pocket with a folded up address inside.
wishing i could do that with you one day.

sometimes it gets quiet enough to hear the emptiness of my bed without you.
i had a dream the other night that you and i were on a train. we were on this train and you were holding my hand.
thats the whole dream, you were holding my hand,
and i felt you holding my hand.
i woke up and i couldn't believe it wasn't real.

i've forgotten almost everything about you already, except that
your skin was soft, like the belly of a peach, and
how you would laugh,
making fun of me for the way i pronounced words,
or just your big brown eyes.
yes. your eyes.

the thought of her running her hands through your hair makes me nauseous.
she doesn't know that you hate it when people touch your face
because of your scars.
she's going to try to sleep with you. but she doesn't know that you won't unless you're sure that you love her.
eventually she'll find out that your lips are soft like the belly of a peach.
and when she does she'll kiss you over and over again.
she's slowly going to get drunk off of the way you walk
and it'll make her so dizzy you have to carry her to your car.
you'll buy her flowers and she'll thank you and say she loves them.
but as soon as she gets home she'll put them in a vase and forget to water them until it's too late.
but i guess if she makes you happy, i'm happy.
(not really because i still love you)

you have asked me to be soft like the belly of a fish exposed to a knife.
but i can’t. for i am as violent as lightening and as destructive as a tsunami.
causing a collision between me and everything i come in contact with.
i want to be an unlocked house in a neighborhood of robbers.
maybe i don’t know what will happen tomorrow
and maybe that scares me to the point where i can’t breathe.
my fist is roughly the same size as my heart.
sometimes i punch the wall or the box of things you left in my room just to test my heart
and everytime, i can feel my ribs breaking from all the things i wish i could say to you that i locked between the empty cavity of my chest 6 months ago when you left

I have spent time in many beds on
friday nights with boys who have
never learned my last name.
hoping to find love between their sheets.
but they can see my rainforest eyes
are filled with violent secrets
and a thirst for red wine.
they always leave me for the
girls with a more gentile voice and
stronger arms.
there is a lonely hum in my brain
where your name used to be.
as if i was in an accident
and the only part of my brain that was effected
was the part storing my memories of you.
i can’t go back anymore. not ever.
not since that night you said goodbye
instead of goodnight.
i didn’t notice until now. 8 months later.
when it was too late.

Quiet
Thinking about why I'm here
Listening as the world crumbles
Lonely
I've pushed everyone away
For reasons unknown to even me
Broken
Hurt by things I've seen
And past experiences
Scarred
By the blade I put to my skin
Marked by the words repeated in my head
Hopeless
I've given up on finding help
Nothing has worked and nothing will
Depressed
Not because I am sad
But because I feel there is no reason for my existence