i'm so scared
because he might treat me really well
i'm so scared because i think he might kiss me
and i think i might want him to
but i'm not supposed to want to kiss my friends
so what will happen if he kisses me
i don't want to be hurt again
and everyone says he won't hurt me
but what if he does
they don't know
they don't know how it feels
to be so scared that this might hurt me so bad
he makes me nervous and i've yet to recognize if that is a good thing or a bad thing
i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say to him
because i don't want to be another girl
i want something
and this would be a lot ******* easier if i knew what that something was
i think in the back of my mind i know what i want
but i am too terrified to say it out loud
because that makes it real
and real is scary
this is really scary, all of it
but
i still want him to kiss me

this feeling is somehow beautiful
the way that trying a new food that quickly becomes your favorite feels
or the way it feels to look in the mirror and truly and deeply love the person that looks back at you
this feeling is new
and new is exciting and terrifying and crazy
and
new is beautiful
this feeling is something to be celebrated
so that's what i'll ******* do

when you left
i cried
but somehow
when i returned home
i smiled
i felt reassured
you know me
you get me
you understand me
thank you
for being the first person
to read my poetry
and the last person
to make me realize
i am worth something
you mean the world to me
you gave me a home
when i never thought
i would feel at home again
you gave me your hand
and helped me find mine
you were
the first person
to read my poetry
and the last person
i will ever really
say goodbye to

I want to skip to the part where it’s beautiful
but maybe the struggle of getting there
is what makes it beautiful

sometimes
it hurts so bad to close a chapter to your life that was so good
because there is the constant fear lingering in my mind
that maybe the next chapter won’t be as good
because when in my life will I meet another person like these people
because
sometimes
it’s hard to believe
that I could get that lucky twice

once
when you were drunk
you called me
and i'm pretty sure that's the last time we had a real conversation
i remember wanting to hold on to that moment forever
because i knew
the second we hung up that phone
everything would be the same as it was before
i would go back to missing you
and you would go back
to trying to make me into someone that i wasn't
i'm sorry that i wasn't all that you thought i was
but i'm more sorry that you didn't see what you were missing
the night that you drunk called me
i stared at the twinkling lights above my bed
i stared at them until my eyes burned
they burned with memories soon to be forgotten
because maybe they weren't good memories anymore
and maybe i need to stop writing about you
because every time i write about you
i get reminded of that night you called me when you were drunk
because it makes me sad
that i think that's the last time we had a real conversation.

right after he cheated on me
i got my period
it came two weeks early
it seemed as if this was my body's way
of cleansing him from my system
i've never been happier
to get my period