I have come to the conclusion:
I am too aware

Too aware of the people around me
The way they wear their expressions when I speak
Immediately letting me know whether I'm accepted or a put off

Too aware of myself
Carefully choosing each word in my head before spitting it out
Then immediately second guessing the sentence as it falls off my tongue

I begin to think I'm viewed as a joke by many
Someone to make fun of once backs are turned
Someone who is never taken seriously
But that's what happens when too many people make you feel like an outsider in a crowd

Or is it due to overanalyzing each social interaction I have
Feeling untrue feelings
Making inaccurate assumptions

But maybe, just maybe
They appreciate me

But how can you ever really know for sure?

Walking through this life blind folded
Never knowing my destination
Stumbling and falling over things I didn't know would trip me
Not noticing the dark clouds on the horizon until it's too late to find cover
I come in walking tall, only to come out crawling
Where am I supposed to go?
How am I supposed to know?
I can't see the map
I don't know what's right
But I do know what's left
Growing too weary to keep walking, but that's all I can do
I keep hoping I'll arrive soon, but one question harbors my mind
"How am I supposed to get there if I don't even know when I'm lost?"

If I was to die today, I'd die in the dress I bought for our honeymoon
I'd hope you know I wasn't scared
I'd hope you know I would be in His arms
I'd hope you know that I'd want you to move forward with my memories
I'd hope you know that I wouldn't want your laugh to die with me
I'd hope you know that there will be someone who understands and can help
I'd hope you know that I didn't leave you on purpose
I'd hope you know that I'd watch over you
And always be by your side
Because my love for you will never die with me

Headlines in the newspapers of people killing with no motive.
People taking the lives of someone's children.
Someone's reason for breathing.
Someone's world.
But after we're done reading, we move on.
We laugh at the comics on the next page, then throw the paper in the trash.
But someone's still out there trying to pick up the broken pieces of the life a stranger shattered.
Even though the paper's in the trash, life goes on.
Pain and darkness will still be forever present in this world we call home.

Just a blank page I'm staring at.
Just a blank page.
I wonder what it can do once the words come out.
What will it do?
Can you relate to the feeling?
As the thoughts keep reeling.
It's just a blank page you're looking at.
But think...
How else do all masterpieces start?

How can you fight a war so blindly?
Only to open your eyes to the destruction you've caused.
You know what you did was wrong.
But your words say otherwise.
You don't know how to fix it,
But you won't ask for help.
So you sit in misery with a smile on your face
Waiting for someone to see the pain in your eyes.

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is the feeling that makes you blind

Love is beautiful
Love is unique
Love is something that will make you bleed

So guard your heart
Let it love slow
Because your heart can't take too harsh of a blow

You walked out the door and I fell apart.
I know you'd never leave me, but the last one did.
You raised your voice and I began to cry.
I know you'd never hurt me, but the last one did.
You raised your hand and I flinched.
I know you'd never hit me, but the last one did.

I know it bothers you for me to act this way.
My record's been scratched and I don't know if I can play.
Maybe I can forget and start over new.
So forgive me, baby, because I've not had someone like you.

Sweetheart, don't blame me if I'm not the typical girl.
I won't tip toe around puddles,
I'll pull you in with me.
I won't pick around my food,
I'll pile my plate high.
I won't be embarrassed to make a stupid face.
I'll open up like a book in front of you,
And I'll be yours to read.
I'll do all this only if you do the same for me.

When it hurts, you write it down
When something feels right, you write it down
When your heart breaks, you write it down
When you love someone beyond words, you write it down

Welcome to the mind of a poet
Where pain and love create a masterpiece

He was the one who was there for me.
He was the good guy.
The sweetheart.
The teddy bear.
He was the one who fooled me.
Who hit me.
Hurt me.
Scared me.
He was the physical abuser.

I ran away.
I never went back.
I moved to the next.

I moved to the one who loved me.
Who cared about me.
Who knew everything.
He was the liar.
The manipulator.
The mental abuser.

I'd never do it over again,
But if I had to..
I'd rather be beat.

The boy's in the bathroom
With the needle in his arm.
It rushes through his veins,
And he finally feels warm.
But the pain in his heart is only gone temporarily.
He keeps going back,
Back and back again.
He just doesn't know Who's always following him.

He's wandered so far from Him.
He doesn't know where to go.
But if he only knew,
He's never too far from Home.
Because He loves him,
Oh, how He loves him.
He will always accept him back with open arms...

She's selling her love to men she's never met.
She hops in stranger's cars to get where she needs to get.
She hates the reflection every time she passes a mirror.
She hates herself.
But He loves her unconditionally.

She's wandered so far from Him.
She doesn't know where to go.
But if she only knew,
She's never too far from Home.
Because He loves her,
Oh, how He loves her.
He will always accept her back with open arms...

We make Him cry.
We hurt His heart.
No matter what we do, He's always there.
When we fall because of our mistakes
Or fall because others have pushed us down,
He's there to hold us up.
In our tears and pain, we will never drown,
Because He's here to keep us safe and sound.

We've wandered so far from Him
We don't know where to go
But if we only knew
We're never too far from Home
Because He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
He will always accept us back with open arms...

I am to be wed
To a man who is loved by all but not by me
We are promised together by the king
But my King above did not make him for me

My heart belongs to the man meant to entertain
The man in the funny suit
The man who is pushed around
The man who is meant to be laughed at
But my love is being forced to the man in the shiny armor
The one who stands so valiantly next to the throne
The man whose looks are undeniably flawless, although,
His fancy words do not fool me
Because he is a man who loves the title I have
Not me

But thoughts like these are forbidden
For the man who makes me smile is a peasant
And I am the daughter of the one who rules
I am no different than the land
For we all have to follow without question

So here I sit in my white dress
Silently in misery
As the man who has my heart performs for me and my groom

You were the key who tried to open my lock but it wouldn't budge
You tried so hard but ended up getting stuck
Now we're together but we both feel so numb
And now my key that fits has found another one

They're stuck in this pain that we know so well
We'll never know how it feels to be happy
Or to be out of this hell

We are chained together
We will never be free
Because we only have one lock and key
Only one to show us what love can be

I sit here wondering why I've let others hurt me.
Why I have fallen for those who didn't love me.
Why I watched over the ones who didn't care.
They leave me broken as I'm still trying to pick up the pieces from the last time I was shattered.
Now I've made the same mistake as I have before.
I've let down my guard too soon.
I've let you in too fast.
Now I'm here hurting just like I did with the last.

Do you see it?
The tears. The shame.
Do you smell it?
The whiskey. The *****.
Do you feel it?
The tension. The pain.
We went downhill fast.
Too fast.
We couldn't stop and we didn't want to.
We needed to but never understood why.
But we see it.
We feel it.
We hate it.
Can we be saved?
Saved from each other?
We did say forever.
We promised God.
For better or worse.
Remember, baby?
Because I don't.

When you said you understood, you clearly didn't
When you said you wanted me, you actually wanted something else
When you said you'd never leave me
With the pain those had left me with before, you lied right to my face
But I knew this would happen
I knew you would do this to me
I knew you would just be a regret
And I let you in anyway
I am stupidity at its finest

I knew her heart was there but she didn't listen
My words had numbed her the day before
And today, I see her white gown flowing in the wind
Her emotions stirred like the leaves of the shivering willows
He sees her madness as she sinks
He knows her eyes were never fixed on him
I feel a tear sliding down my cheek
I wipe it off as if it were never there
The preacher's words call for silence
It falls as heavy as our hearts
The bride's eyes cry for help
She's calling for me
I know if I hold this in it will not be considered peace, it will be agony
His eyes are begging me to hold my words
So I do, out of respect
I see her hopes fall
Her happiness, crushed
The rings are put on fingers meant for lovers
Rings meant to symbolize eternal love but to her, they mean nothing
Just cold metal clutching to her finger
Reminding her of the imprisonment of unhappiness
I see her resentment to me
I may never be forgiven but is it my place to ruin a happy day?