Can you miss something you've never had?
I want you
And every time you walk away every time you leave my eyes it hurts to even look at you. How can I miss you when I have never had you?

You are the fire in the
birthday candles  
The dust of a falling star
That feeling on Christmas morning
And the song I keep singing alone in the car

With his educated eyes
And his head between my thighs
I found a savior

My ancestors followed the stars
And I can't even follow my own heart

Your right my body is a temple
Abandoned and crumbling
Desolate and haunted

When I found out I was pregnant I saw a giant plus sign glaring back at me. I placed my hand over my stomach I pleaded with God...no
I was not happy
When the father found out I was pregnant I saw a scared little boy with...his back to me he said: No!
He was not happy
When my parents found out I was pregnant I saw index fingers pointed back at me. They said: No you ****!
They were not happy
No one was happy
But my daughter my 3 month daughter she looks up at me
she smiles
she doesn't care how she got here.
She chooses
To feel happy.

PRISTINE CHRISTINE
Pristine Christine the girl of my dreams
Rest assure, though her eyes do not gleam
I know that she is more than what she seems
Shall I explain what it means?
To have and to hold a motionless figurine no, my artificial queen?
I cling to this fantasy, this object I desire
Nothing can deter me as I continue to describe her
Eyes faded with cubic zirconium shine that awe and inspire
Clay for hair fabricated in wire
Her lack of bones and plush filled body set my soul to fire
Revealing an unnatural love I have allowed to transpire
I invent reasons to how her synthetic skin will not perspire
Structured in a silicone beauty never to expire
Tainted in mystery for all to admire
Imitate my love! You lifeless being; it is all     that I require
Name me your ruler and I will enslave myself to your empire
Even if it means loving this *** doll that I have acquired

The birth of March brought spring flowers in bloom
but the vivid colors mocked their gloom.
The child’s portrait darkened upon the wall
still the memory refused to fade.
I began to ponder the injustice to it all
as time progressed and I grew in age.
When I was young there was a song I sang for a God I once knew
but evil is real and children die
and I don’t have the answer as to why.
The certainty of his power his promise no longer true.
While I struggled to condemn my new found doubt
the praise of his glory turned to ashes in my mouth.
With tousled hair pushed back in decorative lace
The family dressed her up for her final trip.
They circle around her giving their last grace
remembering a girl who once believed in pixie dust and flying pirate ships.
As I watched this unfold I asked myself, if it’s possible to be victims to circumstance
then why put us on this earth and give us a chance?
When they lowered her tiny casket into the ground
the last image of her was of a lifeless color gone from her cheeks.
The Mother and Father cried out to the heavens for an answer to be found but in their grief
he did not speak.

If you pluck all the petals can it still be called a flower?

I lose my identity
Every time that I
Lose control of me

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
I fight back but it's no use

I take your toxic energy
Until I
Lose all of my
sanity

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
The type of behavior you first produced

It burns in my
Memory
The sound of screams
Profanities

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
It's someone's fault but which and whose?

I won't go down quietly
But you swear the put downs are just tendencies
That I'm taking personally

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
Either way I'll always lose

My eyes wide open
But my mouth is closed with words unspoken.

If only my eyes could find rest and my mouth courageous

And it was in the silence of your hesitation that the answer became clear

You like all of my Facebook posts but not me

Instead of me explaining why I don't get your humor
Why don't you explain to me why belittling me by insulting my intelligence in the form of a joke is funny to you?

I don't know what the future holds
But God, you hold it
And that makes all the difference

I have boundaries
Yet I find myself flirting
With all the edges

My pen is my sword

You said you were happy
But happy is a feeling
And feelings change

You are too full of life child to be searching for another half

Sometimes I wonder do you ever think of me the way I think of you

You were my universe
But you said you needed space

Although men have
touched me it was
never me they were
reaching for

His love was like the sun he gave me life
I was good I was strong I was so alive
Until it burned

Little red Riding hood was not afraid of the big bad wolf
She was the werewolf

Little red Riding hood walked along the trail basket in hand

  Turn back now! It's dangerous said a man

He passed by when little red Riding hood replied: Iam the danger

Your not always going to do everything right but you can start by learning from what you did wrong

Stop thinking about him he's not going to change

you wanted control so I held back my opinion
you wanted my attention so I gave up all my friends
you wanted obedience so I stayed silent
then you wanted my tears so I cried the whole sea
I tried to aspire to the perfection of how you wanted me
so I handed over years of my life decades even
but in the end what you wanted was never really me

If the butterflies and the seasons can change
why can't I?

I use to ask myself why he was with me if he didn't like anything about me?
But now
with time
and healing
I ask myself why I was with someone who didnt like anything about me?

Resist the narcissist

At first I fall
Head over heels to a man perfect dark
and tall
But as for me unfortunately
I grew up to read
books like Sarah plain and tall
With an understanding that my looks would
not enthrall
still you persist you pursue you even call
Desperate for love for attention I'm
in awe
But Suddenly overtime little by little you make me
feel small
I'm stupid I'm dumb I can't do anything right
at all
The white horse the fairytale the dark prince all under false pretense
Like a nice frame  to cover the whole in
the wall
Everything's fine he's just tense
it's ok  he's still my prince because growing up
I saw
My parents kick and fight and scream down
the hall
For me it was normal this was the only love I can recall
So I try harder on my hands and knees I crawl
I was wrong
Your a monster not a boyfriend
On the bed I'm pinned  
It's a fight I cant win
I drown in your sin
And then
And then
I escape at 3 am
I'll never go back
Never again

In a room full of applause
The fakest friend
Won't clap for you

Pay attention

Overtime I stopped hearing from you but I never stopped thinking of you

Alcohol hits different when your sad

First it thrilled me
Untill it killed me

It all adds up the
same
Lies multiply stories
change
I divide my heart forget your name
The common denominator
alone and in
pain

Too tired to sleep
Too hungry to leave
And too fed up to leave

the moon that lights the sky I look up and hope you see it too

I pray your home tonight waiting for me with you

I let out a sigh thinking on your scent but your face it blurrs

the night becomes alive with the memory of who we we're

save me I lost my way and there is no one to grieve me

Tell me you hear my song I'm desperate for you to believe me

please won't you come my way and take me home to you

She was like the sun
Warm safe and full of life
But even too much sun can burn you

Help me I've lost my way and there is no one to grieve me

I'm beginning to wonder if the problems I cannot solve are really just harsh realities that must be accepted

I have exhausted myself of watering these eyes with tears
But am thirstiest for revenge

The tears have finally dried and I am thirstiest for revenge