When will this breakdown turn into a break through?

They said to write about my life

I took a pen

And wrote your name

How can it be? That there are  thousands of lit stars in our skies but only one you?

The tragedy of my youth is that I found love too young it slipped away from me too quickly
Thinking I'd connect again one day with someone else just like you was my greatest mistake. There was no one else just like you. There was only you.
Connecting with others is a rare and beautiful thing.
But it's rare....
That's the thing

The way you knew me
Is where I go back in my mind

When I was yours
Confident and sure
But now I look down
Studying the floors

The way you knew me
Is where I go back in my mind is it you I miss? Or was it me all this time?

We drove past city lights
Had dumb fights
Made back up the very same night

Those camping trips casino hits
Is it you I miss or was it me all this time?

Like a chaotic dream
I'd laugh and scream
Happily
Remember the night life glow? Outside the car windows?

And no one knows
The way you knew me

How we drove past city lights
Had dumb fights
Made back up the very same night

The way you knew me is where I go back in my mind was it you I miss? Or was it me all this time?

I was told as a child:

you can be anything you want anything at all. This is your life. You can choose what you want for your life. This choice is yours to make.

But when I grew older and wanted to take my own life I was told:

Think about your family! What about the other people in your life?! How selfish.

Suddenly this life of mine to choose or make was no longer mine and mine alone to take.

Spare me the ******* of how someone else's death forces the inconveniences of uncomfortable self reflection.

You had it backwards. It wasn't selfish of me to die. It was selfish of you to ask me to live.

This use to be a love poem  
I thought I had men figured out
the world was promising back then

like a white horse galloping in
a prince rescued me from my doubts
this use to be a love poem  

My body shook with kiss and sin
a man and woman paradise
the world was promising back then

All good things, they come at a price
was it worth what we fought about?
this use to be a love poem

In my head again and again
I smell his scent on me it's nice
The world was promising back then

I don't grin, my eyes are worn thin
I grow older and go without
this use to be a love poem
the world was promising back then

What if the reason you can't fix yourself is because you were never broken to begin with what if it's just your way of thinking that Is?

Oh how we forget
That everything we are is
Set by: what we choose

The grass is not greener on the other side
The grass is greener because I watered it

No art could convey
No feeling express
The thoughts I never got to say

And what if I told you?
That when I pray
I fight to repress
The regret of not asking you to stay

Even too much sun can burn you

The night becomes alive with the memory of who we once we're

The heart dies a slow death
With each hope each desire falling like leaves that drop from trees until there's nothing left but the bare bones of empty branches with what once was....

And I love how you spoke my name
Like an unanswered prayer
That never came

He said her eyes were like whirlpools
But what he didn't know about  whirlpools
Is what they hide in there tides

My heart spills out on the pages what my mouth can't put into words

If my heart were a garden meant to grow and flourish with each person I gave it to
*Then I've been watering dead plants for years

You were the fire in the flame
You were the salt in the tears I cried
You were someone I could not change
You were right, but still I tried
**You were