And I've heard of men like you
You cry ***** the loudest
But are thirstiest for my blood

I should have loved myself instead
I gave you all until I bled
I go over it inside my head

You painted me blue and red
Over something stupid that I said
I should have loved myself instead

I imagine a kinder version of you
Where You live right up to your potential
I go over it inside my head

The light switch is turned off from the sky
Reality sets and starts go black
I should have loved myself instead

I believe all your promises of change
But I grow old waiting
I go over it inside my head



I could have invited another man into my bed
It least our cycle can have an end
I should have loved myself instead

I feel sad today
Everyday blurrs into the next
Morning comes but there's nothing there for me
Tomorrow will be the same as today
Tomorrow is today
The silence in my head fills me with angst
The baby in my stomach fills me with dread
Nothing is real
But these feelings these feelings that don't pass
I can't **** them in there sleep
There attached to me

My eyes wide open
But my mouth is closed with words unspoken.

If only my eyes could find rest and my mouth courageous

In a room full of applause
The fakest friend
Won't clap for you

Pay attention

You are quiet
Your anger a silent resentment

I am loud
My anger booming with frustration in this predicament

Your words
Distant and few
The fight in you
hardly there

My words
Write sonnets of there own to no one that cares  

I close my eyes and turn my face to match your disposition

Yet somehow the silence causes me more affliction

The past
For you is full of mistakes to throw at me  

The past
for me is full of hope and happier memories that almost has me

Were both so different
It's a tragedy

But either way we're  both unhappy

Can you miss something you've never had?
I want you
And every time you walk away every time you leave my eyes it hurts to even look at you. How can I miss you when I have never had you?

I saw your picture today
Your feelings for me must have gone away
Because you had a girl around your arm in a doorway
I think I cried all day feeling this way
Then I had a revelation driving the causeway
I could die taking this drive and you'd never know how In my mind I go back to last may
When you said to me: please just stay
But I never listened anyway
The memory goes grey
I conjured up my own decay
When I summoned an angel of regret on doomsday
She said: your sexuality is in your hip sway
But I grow old and forget to pay
And now your with her and there's nothing I can say
Because I saw your picture today
Your feelings for me must have gone away

For You
I hoped as high as the heavens
And then I cried the whole sea

I'm pregnant with your baby

You come home I feed you dinner

I fold your clothes I do your laundry

Then got on my knees to **** you off

I don't expect a thank you but Sometimes when I cry it be nice if you didn't swear that I'm crazy

Or Secretly wish I was thinner

Every mistake every wrong move it's always on me

Make it all to stop

Take me back to when I was my own lady

I was my own winner

Nothing stood beyond me

That I couldn't take handle or adopt

I have cried enough tears to know that they will dry off my face the sun will emerge from the sky and the birds will sing a new song

I was told as a child:

you can be anything you want anything at all. This is your life. You can choose what you want for your life. This choice is yours to make.

But when I grew older and wanted to take my own life I was told:

Think about your family! What about the other people in your life?! How selfish.

Suddenly this life of mine to choose or make was no longer mine and mine alone to take.

Spare me the ******* of how someone else's death forces the inconveniences of uncomfortable self reflection.

You had it backwards. It wasn't selfish of me to die. It was selfish of you to ask me to live.

My whole world stops
And the stars fall out of the sky
when I think of you
tears start to drop and I ask myself why?
Why does love have to hurt like this?

Resist the narcissist

At first I fall
Head over heels to a man perfect dark
and tall
But as for me unfortunately
I grew up to read
books like Sarah plain and tall
With an understanding that my looks would
not enthrall
still you persist you pursue you even call
Desperate for love for attention I'm
in awe
But Suddenly overtime little by little you make me
feel small
I'm stupid I'm dumb I can't do anything right
at all
The white horse the fairytale the dark prince all under false pretense
Like a nice frame  to cover the whole in
the wall
Everything's fine he's just tense
it's ok  he's still my prince because growing up
I saw
My parents kick and fight and scream down
the hall
For me it was normal this was the only love I can recall
So I try harder on my hands and knees I crawl
I was wrong
Your a monster not a boyfriend
On the bed I'm pinned  
It's a fight I cant win
I drown in your sin
And then
And then
I escape at 3 am
I'll never go back
Never again

It comes in waves
I'm downing

hot tears lick my face my heart pumps acid into my veins I'm boiling over and over and over and over again about the same things
when does the healing process start?
are there some wounds that time cannot mend? are there some apologies that cannot take away the hurt? when there are things done that cannot be undone?

Although men have
touched me it was
never me they were
reaching for

When were young we hate when we're wrong
But with time with growth and with age
You'll hate when your right

Awake tonight with lonliness I can not bring myself to look upon the stars. Full of life I was told. But it was a lie. The stars are already dead. To look on them is to look into the past.

I am awake
But my heart is tired

My heart spills out on the pages what my mouth can't put into words

Alcohol hits different when your sad

Grief is the price of love

And it was in the silence of your hesitation that the answer became clear

Everything is fine
Until I see models on TV
So I turn off the TV and then
Everything is fine
Until I open up another magazine
And compare myself
To another celebrity
So I close the magazine and then
Everything is fine
Until I walk with my lover down the street
And his head turns to follow a girl and there eyes meet
I make an excuse and go back home and
Everything is fine
Until I close the door behind me and look in the mirror
Suddenly it's all so much clearer
I realize I can't turn off the mirror like a TV I can't close the mirror like a magazine and I can't walk away from it to disappear.
I cry for days
It's me it's me it's always been me
Everything is not fine.
Because I can't make me go away

It's a shame really
I love poetry but can't write it
I love art but can't draw it
And I love you but can't say it

Have you ever been alone long enough to where being alone just made more since?

The way you knew me
Is where I go back in my mind

When I was yours
Confident and sure
But now I look down
Studying the floors

The way you knew me
Is where I go back in my mind is it you I miss? Or was it me all this time?

We drove past city lights
Had dumb fights
Made back up the very same night

Those camping trips casino hits
Is it you I miss or was it me all this time?

Like a chaotic dream
I'd laugh and scream
Happily
Remember the night life glow? Outside the car windows?

And no one knows
The way you knew me

How we drove past city lights
Had dumb fights
Made back up the very same night

The way you knew me is where I go back in my mind was it you I miss? Or was it me all this time?

When will this breakdown turn into a break through?

You said you were happy
But happy is a feeling
And feelings change

Help me I've lost my way and there is no one to grieve me

anxiety
look at you your so pathetic when you can't control your breathing
go ahead and bite your nails
rip them off until there bleeding
don't question me cause your gonna fail
I've thought of every reason for the lies you should keep believing
Have your panics have your attacks
feel the whole world carried on your back
worry excessively
don't bother to mess with me  
I'm the silent killer

Overtime I stopped hearing from you but I never stopped thinking of you

Connecting with others is a rare and beautiful thing but it's rare that's the thing

How can it be? That there are  thousands of lit stars in our skies but only one you?

The tragedy of my youth is that I found love too young it slipped away from me too quickly
Thinking I'd connect again one day with someone else just like you was my greatest mistake. There was no one else just like you. There was only you.
Connecting with others is a rare and beautiful thing.
But it's rare....
That's the thing

Your right my body is a temple
Abandoned and crumbling
Desolate and haunted

It's hard to love a parent that's never around

It's almost like your already in the ground

You were my universe
But you said you needed space

I am haunted by the living

Stop thinking about him he's not going to change

The night becomes alive with the memory of who we once we're

The harvest moon and colored leaves tell a story that in time things can change. So why can't we?
     -woes from a failed
                               marriage

the moon that lights the sky I look up and hope you see it too

I pray your home tonight waiting for me with you

I let out a sigh thinking on your scent but your face it blurrs

the night becomes alive with the memory of who we we're

save me I lost my way and there is no one to grieve me

Tell me you hear my song I'm desperate for you to believe me

please won't you come my way and take me home to you

Too tired to sleep
Too hungry to leave
And too fed up to leave

I am no one's daughter
I was already missing the night I left
even my heart carried a suitcase
my father turned his face from me
this would be his greatest mistake
that he ever could believe in me
I am no one's daughter
I hug my knees in my chest
like a mantra I repeat my address
but they won't be looking for me
I am no one's daughter

how dare you think that you could matter?

Because I am no one's daughter

When I found out I was pregnant I saw a giant plus sign glaring back at me. I placed my hand over my stomach I pleaded with God...no
I was not happy
When the father found out I was pregnant I saw a scared little boy with...his back to me he said: No!
He was not happy
When my parents found out I was pregnant I saw index fingers pointed back at me. They said: No you ****!
They were not happy
No one was happy
But my daughter my 3 month daughter she looks up at me
she smiles
she doesn't care how she got here.
She chooses
To feel happy.

Have you ever had your heart break so hard it felt like someone was squeezing it like a tether ball?

I'm beginning to wonder if the problems I cannot solve are really just harsh realities that must be accepted