Haunting memories

10 dozen different creatures
that stalk the night
119 of them
just looking for a fight

One of them sits
perched like a peacock
upon my laborious chest
and in jest
asks me
through colours of
blue, red, gold and green
tell us of things
that should be unseen

Ahhh, no
I think I'd rather stick
to the Back and White
and undream
all the things
that would haunt me
at night

here, maybe
they are black
on white
just an outline
of what may be
but stars
are not silhouettes
not here,
not to me
they become 3 dimensional
with every breath
I take
tripping through
the Universe
not every Star will make
me want to breathe
another breath
tip toeing amongst
Poppy fields
I rest
breathing toxic waste
but wait..
the beauty of
your written words
makes me wait
I sit in a field
of unfettered pleasure
getting high
on monochromic doom
Until
you storm the room
and make me see
Shooting stars
treasured art
a part of the Galaxy
blessed you be
from the start
shooting across
my night sky
*its all I ask

You laughed at me
Just the other day
When I held you tight
And said I’m glad you stayed
You shook your head at me
And said with a smile
Where on earth would I want to be?
I’ll be here a while

But I never thought
It would be like this
As the waves rolled out
To a darkening mist
You promised me
You’d be here a while
Now all that I’m left with
Is the memory of a smile

I promised we would wed
There would be no other
You smiled at me and said
Why would we bother?
It’s a bond of Man
What we have is fate
Let’s seize it now
For we could be too late

But I never thought
It would be like this
As the waves rolled out
To a darkening mist
You promised me
You’d be here a while
Now all that I’m left with
Is the memory of a smile

We faced a lifetime
Hand in Hand
Our life was precious
But we didn’t understand
We lived forever
In a few heartbeats of time
I said goodbye to the waves
Knowing you’ll always be mine

*But I never thought
It would be like this
As the waves rolled out
To a darkening mist
You promised me
You’d  be here a while
Now all that I’m left with
Is the memory of a smile

you landed gently
on a breeze
you floated down
amongst the leaves
you ran beneath
the river docks
along the sands
and over rocks
you made it to
the ocean wide
where others dwelt
and joined their side
they took your hand
with a tiny smile
and you weren't lonely
for a while
you had to go
could not stay near
but are you happy now
My single tear?

Of course I fit!!!

I've jumped up and down
so hard to be just a part
of your rounded off society

but I fit, you see!

My squared off edges
bit into your rounded fat ***
but clearly, I fit
albeit, not perfectly

but I sit halfway
in the middle
it's an uncomfortable fit
but

**I fit, ******!

some mate for life
some spawn prolifically
in a river of destiny
some drop their seed
on a passerby
never to return,
progeny never asks
why?
some whelp upon a pack
some just like to clone
some eternally are broken
most are left alone
after the act
there is no pact
or written dictates
we are all different creatures
all with similar animal traits

they say they don't know
where they came from
all covered in mud
the blood and muscle
rotted away when
the ground was dug
and a little blonde corpse
was rolled like dough
into a black hole
then covered in mud
under freshly falling snow

but I know

I know those bones,
they were part of me
fingers and toes
when I was complete

you see...

not my blonde hair,
now just clumps
not my bonny *******,
no more lumps
not the pretty dress
I wore to the dance
not the black patent shoes
there's no chance,
there will be remnants
of soul deep bruises
on my once pretty face
there will never be
any trace
of rough hewn rope
that bound my limbs
just bones left
and a story to begin

Written to the music of Passenger: Let Her Go... how apropos ;-)

may you never
know the strike
before it
becomes a blow
may you hope
to escape before
it starts to snow
hope you will never hate
what you've never known

may you only hope
that it will someday end
may you wish
you could only bend
may you never hate
what you've never known

and you've never known

Staring at the bruises on your face
one day you loved and the next you hate
but reality comes slow and you've grown so fast

You see yourself through your own eyes
and one day you'll wonder why
you prayed silently every night

may you never
know the strike
before it
becomes a blow
may you hope
to escape before
it starts to snow
hope you will never hate
what you've never known

may you only hope
that it will someday end
may you wish
you could only bend
may you never hate
what you've never known

Catching tears in the bottom of a glass
bleeding internally, drinking emptiness so fast
but the world won't last

But you see them truly when they rise
rolling so they don't spy upon your thighs
bruised so deep, fingerprints you will keep

may you never
know the strike
before it
becomes a blow
may you hope
to escape before
it starts to snow
hope you will never hate
what you've never known

may you only hope
that it will someday end
may you wish
you could only bend
may you never hate
what you've never known


and you've never known

but, in my defence
I'm thinking,
give me a 4 day weekend
and a fridge
full of Wine
and I'll forget
a lot of things :)

don't blame me because
the sand in your ******
is irritating you
go take a shower
and while you're at it
shave that pathetic excuse
of *** fluff you call a beard
from your perfect face
and while you're at it
wash away
the verbal diarrhoea
caught in the corner
of perfectly firmed lips
and while you're at it
practice in front of the mirror
saying
I can only criticise
when I'm more perfect
than you
then come back to me
apologise
and say something new

We met in high school
(I won't count this as a year
but I fear you didn't
remember me as I did you)

I : (1989)
we met again
when your best friend
engaged to mine
I bought the tequila
you bought the limes

II III IV : (1990 -1993)
we dated
on and off
(even though you asked me
to be your bride
1 week after
our friends
engagement party)

V : (1994)
we moved together
to Mackay, away from
your family, great for you,
for mine, I cried

VI:  (1995)
we married
after our Son was born
perhaps you thought
it was time
(I never understood
the delay, I mourned)

VII : (1996)
we struggled
to be partners
and parents

VIII : (1997)
I birthed another Son
we were so happy
Life had
truly begun

IX : (1998)
Two little boys
so opposite
from their
Father and Mother
we still struggled
(but we had each other)

X:  (1999)
You decided your place
in this world
I surprised you
with a trip to Ireland
(you didn't want
to leave your girl,
but you couldn't wait
to meet family)

XI : (2000)
It all fell apart...
minding your own business
on your motorcycle
some stupid driver
ripped you apart

XII XIII XIV (2001 - 2003)
It was just me
paying bills
with no money
feeding kids
on love and honey
endless appointments
with doctors and shrinks
(did anybody think
I'd need a shrink?)
I never blinked, not once

XV : (2004)
You asked for more
another child you said
as affirmation you are not dead
so I bore you a daughter
at 35 ...
(the same year I took you
to the veterinary clinic
to be fixed, well...
it WAS just like
dropping the dog off)

XVI to Present (2005 to Today)
We still struggle
with day to day trouble
but for every year
we survived
I'll give you another,
and a high five

Oh.....
and a
*I Love You

stupid Smart phone
just deleted
one of my poems

ahhh ****

Did I have back up?

Nup

Just remember it titled

ahhh ****!

a popular wording
of how I was feeling
unable reproduce it
word for word

how absurd!
I wanted to read it
Hit delete
It said are you sure?
I said ok

and it went away :(

*ahhh ****!

was your God the one
who took my Daddy away?
He wasn't very old...

was your God the one
that sat next to the orphan
who didn't pray
and mocked them
because they had nobody left?
Was it your God that took them?

Do you allow your God
his ***** work
and let him take
all the accolades
for War and Famine
and Pestilence
and Hatred
and just say
It's his way,
his right, by his design
as the Divine?

Was it your God
that intervened
in the alley
where there was a scream
where just a little girl
grew up way too fast
but brutally
she didn't last
until the next day
to understand
what it all means

He didn't intervene!

There was no intervention!
Stuttered prayers
from broken lips
fell like glass
onto uncaring concrete
shattering beneath feet
that shuffled past
one who prayed
but at the last
lost faith
in a
God
that just sits
on his ****
and asks for praise
but could not even raise
a finger
in benevolence

That's why I will never pray

Ask and you shall receive

*******!

Ask all you like, what you give to the Universe, you get back, imaginary playthings, give nothing!

Just my thought on that...

down and *****
in an unlit street
her heart beat
once
then
double time
collecting coins
from grasping
fingers
dollar bills
would make her
eager
but her heart beats
once
for just coins

Something to place
over her eyes
when sleep
wants to come calling
So she's not unprepared
when on her knees
she's crawling
in her despair

towards salvation
at the end
of her damnation
she'll take a nation
who never cared
unless her legs
were in the air

First line says it all
Second line says more
Third line is a little different
Forth line makes you sure

Fifth line takes you places
Sixth line has never seen
Seventh line is hasty
Eight line is a little obscene

Ninth line grasps the tone of Eight
Tenth line will make you blush
Eleventh line will stop and pause
Twelfth line will fall into the hush

There may be a thirteenth
or fourteenth or fifteenth line
a sixteenth or seventeenth
that might have left you blind

An eighteenth line that made you yawn
A nineteenth that made you smile
A twentieth that made you stop
reading for a while

A twenty first or twenty second
that commanded you go back
to the start

Or a twenty third and
twenty forth line
was what grabbed your heart

The twenty fifth line
undid all your beliefs
The twenty six line
walked down old streets

The twenty seventh and twenty eighth
crossed paths that were parallel
The twenty ninth and thirtieth line
knows stories it will never tell

Yet only the first line is read
the last line is the lie
that forces all the other lines
to just sit idly by

I don't ******* care
what's out there
Nemo was a stupid fool
that little tool
had it good
being the centre
of someone's world
We are just plankton
waiting to be swallowed
by the yawning maw
of an industrious whale
waiting to be eaten up
laying down tracks
like a laborious snail
just slugs
tresspassing upon gardens
that are richly scented
with heavily perfumed
'a la, smell me please
leave your heart to me
and I'll trample it
to get my feet wet'
Little fish in big ponds
get to hide between
the rocks
They get to frolicking
between frocks
of seaweed and coral
that chokes or
cuts like fine glass
Little fish in Big ponds

tend to outlast ;)

The sound of running water is soothing.

Ritualistic, by nature, it just flows and pools until it stills, to be able to reflect back a scene that is silent, if you stay frozen long enough, staring, it captures a picture like a photograph. Still, unmoving…

Inside the steam that rises is like an early morning fog that delights the human eye because it can’t see beyond the ugliness that lies outside its door. Inside the fog, a whole new world is created. Something else, becomes more…

In the silence of the water no longer running and the steam that evaporated and has taken away the message from the mirror that you wrote, who knew it would run away to hide?

There is now the choice of a weapon of disposal. A choice that would forever be the marking of a soul, never caring, will never take a side.

Standing in front of a still whisper of water that is ready to receive a body that is intrinsically woven within its own fabric and ready to step back into a time when it was just, was... a time when it ebbed and flowed and could just be…

As a sacrifice, the robe drops from naked skin, dancing, floating, to pool at feet that have walked through fire, have been burned by ice, that have traveled a road that should have never been walked and ended up with photographs, of things, that nobody, NOBODY, should ever have to dream (as nightmares) let alone live, or see…

Sinking below tepid water to wash away every sin that has ever been, ever was, or, God Forbid, should ever be. There is horror looking upon sights that most would consider evil or gory, but still they tell their own story.
Looking down through clear, still water, it’s still possible to see, everything, including all imperfection, in all it’s glory.

Taking the weapon of choice, a razor sharp edge, like a sword that has been swung to defeat all its foes, it is forged by the fires of Hell to cut through skin and bone, to bathe the water red, to hide all the imperfections from a sight that is never blind…

It’s not beautiful, but it is bliss, there is no beauty inside a world that takes away a haunted soul that thinks the only way is to make it to the water, to be washed away on a tide of self hope and never think about the shore that it has left behind…

Nov 28, 2010

If you see them

With their tongues
down another's throat

Through a red haze
as you choke

Standing outside
the clinic
having a smoke
Planned Parenthood
or checking for STDs

It's a sign

you see???

I didn't see it there!

the kitchen chair

You hit me in the living room

where there was so much space

a solid lounge

a coffee table made from oak

a television cabinet

protecting life's assets

but you hurled me

into the kitchen

with just one stroke

and I rolled laughing

until I hit the chair

that splintered fine pieces

of rough hewn stakes

into the air

that fell around me

like a cage

I didn't want to escape

but when a spine is broken

the only sound to make

is

a

sigh

It was a nice day to die

hahahaha
strangled choke

with your head in the sand
standing bent over
for just any man to walk by
still you try to mumble
while I sigh...

You make me cry

while all your life prose
cools just like a *******
upon a body not breathing
stiff as a cold breeze
You sit like a scarecrow
guarding your non de plume
drowning out your own scream

why don't you

attract that ravenous beast
that will feed upon
your braggart heart, tear apart
your broken bones to the meat
that rots like a rancid ****,
all covered in mildewed
strawberries
and curdled cream

You were never smart

Eating away at the morning dew
chomping on a feast that few
ever completely inhaled
but only just nibbled on
bit by bit except

I did

but do you know
what really gets my goat?

I do

now just an oil slick
on the road you took
South

just a bare scraping
on your toast
in the morning
avoiding
Cholesterol levels
from invading
your mouth

just a small piece
of tissue paper
upon your chin
because the cut
bled...
           RED

but not enough
to waste
a whole square
of toilet paper
that might have been
useful
for your overloaded
*******

Where all this **** begins

and ends

*spread so thin
only able to dab
at the blood spilt,
unable to wipe
the crap from
your chin

I knew your name

but, who are you?

I cried to hear

you died!

***!

Did you read my mind?

That could have been me

totally

Maybe I'm jealous

you took the next step

TOTALLY HOW IT COULD HAVE
BEEN ME, BUT IT WASN'T!

and by then

the meal was stale

It sat congealing

upon a cold plate

My breath

did not make

an ounce of difference

to how you feel

when you served

the meal

I think you see

my appreciable

as just another

song gone cold

I weep over every bite

I stay silent

because

my spoken word

can't make it

right

*but I will savour
every bite

May I have a slice, please? Plain would be fine...

a plain slice of happiness

no sir, I don't have Cancer or MS,
I'm not not a paraplegic or quadriplegic,
haven't served my country and lost limbs,

I'm nowhere near as heart sore as so many,
my plain pain is just -
plain but powerful
in a plainly powerful way

is it possible that
when I feel
that life has taken a nose dive
when it crashes,
I'd prefer to sink than swim?

is that ok?

hope so.

drown in molasses of every day,
try that an any age,
struggle with every decision made,
wrestle with forces that come
at you from every side of life...
wry smile, wry groan,
there is no explaining,
when you chose one thing over another
it is one that missed out
that,
of course was...

is my heart shattering,
my tiresome immobility,
lessened because it is
unseen on
the outward unbound,
leeward side?

is plain pain somehow
insufficient, lacking in
character?

the delirious mystery
of my thoughts
doesn't need spicing,
oregano or basil,
sympathy cards,
and tsk tsk cluckings....

but the steady erosion of exhaustion
weakens me in ways
that leaves me
asking, hoping,
for just
a plain slice of happiness

how can that cost so much?

I can claim it
as Australian
back then
when
it was fashionable
to steal people
from their homes
for trying to feed
their children

****** English curs

riding roughshod
over people herds
sending them
to the 'Colonies'

Oh, Irish I might be
except
that the English
had no problem
dealing the same fate
to their own

No, I don't claim Irish
for that alone
I claim 5th generation
Australian, on a Paternal side
Dad never was one to hide
the fact we were born
of a Bushrangers lot
I never forgot
where my Maiden name
came from

I married an Irishman

I am a Doogan
(spelling changed
when coming to this land)

I don't claim Irish
but am proud to be
a part of a heritage
that lives to be free
That just wants freedom
to have their own day
Not to be oppressed
by a country that has no right
to suckle at its breast

Happy St Patricks Day

:)

I have scratched out my journey across a mountain of pages and each and every time I’ve filed away a book, I’ve mourned the trees, compassion is not something I lack.

I have been thankful that they took each and every step with me and as each notebook closes I retreat to my back yard to plant another seed.
I’m happy to give back.

The million litres of ink that have been bleed beneath my fingers and have spread to stain my hands as my life raced across the pages has not been spilled in vain if one day the moldy old box is opened and the dust is blown from the covers and a futuristic version of me delights in the find, and hears beyond the echo of the scratching of tortuous proportions to see a life that was fun filled pain.

So much chatter, most of it doesn’t matter, little tidbits float along on a swollen creek that has never actually seen much rain.

Tiny little letters run across a barren land and accidentally collide into one another because they have no coherency while all the Big words sit in their gilded towers and watch, and wait, drinking the finest Port they can find while mocking the chaos below with ridicule and disdain.

Little bits and pieces have been scattered to the wind...
Thrown into the air, as an offering of peace, to the ancient scourge that is the birds.

I guess this would probably make much more sense if I could only just find the right words….

Jan 9 (two thousand and something)

embarrassing

my mistake
rolling from under
trapped sheets
exposing
my lady bits

my mistake

so tactless
to pretend
we had been
intimate

so tactless

my mistake

embarrassing

Hush my darling don’t say a word

I lay a slender finger upon your lips

I didn’t see anything
But I surely heard

and I give a delightful wiggle
of my hips

I forgive you, I do

They are words of the ******

I haven’t forgotten
we were always meant
to be together
but it’s not like you
Remembered
all our well rehearsed
and thought out plans

You look at me through blank eyes
but with a curious smile
on your lips

It’s almost…

Mysterious

No, don’t say it, you don’t have to explain
and I’m not ready to hear your pain
If I can let go
and show you
that I’m not unhappy
that my heart is unworthy
your little black mark upon my soul
is less than a stain

This is where you should refrain

You’re laying still, a little cold,
as the sweat has dried upon your skin
Perhaps I should shut the window
but the fresh air is a balm
to the warmth that has delighted me
and has carried away
all that has frightened me
and there is nothing left
that reminds me of Sin

You’ve served me well
and as I understand
we’ve come a long way
without sinking in the sand
I gave you Love and Hope
and Happiness and Trust

You gave me the illusion
that I should have thought twice
even though
there were two of us
and I should have needed
more than just naked Lust

All this is whispered
from my roughly kissed lips
as I roll up my stockings
and retrieve a part of my heart
that I missed

But I know, just by looking at you
that you haven’t heard a word
that I said
because you are

Sleeping

or

*Dead

Digging deep in my despair

Empty eyes are watching me

Rabid vultures stop to stare

I’m digging deep to flee

Digging deep toward the fire

Sinking deeper into the pit

Skin flaming with manic desire

I’m digging deeper than I admit

Digging deep into fertile soil

Fading slowly as time warps

Clarity with distortion

The perfect foil

Finally I’m in deep enough

To bury your ****** corpse

Jump!
They cackle
with maniacal glee
Jump! Jump! Jump!
Flee, be free
Staring into the black
toes curled over the edge
tiny pebbles falling,
not landing,
a not so safe ledge
You lift one foot
and hesitate
an arm slips gently
around your waist
a shaking palm
against your chest
and over your heart
it comes to rest
a warm wet cheek
rests against your back
tears of comfort
that can't attack
A soft voice
breathed into your soul
"If you take one step
you won't go alone
I won't let you go
If you jump, I fall"

Oct 12, 2011

A True Parting

She raises her tiny fist
to plant in the middle
of his stricken chest
She spreads her fingers wide
across his heart
her open palm
comes to rest

They may have come to pass
in the middle of the night
but currents tend to mask
what wrongs that can be right
Tossed together inside a maelstrom
only to shelter
each other from,
the small atrocities
of both their realities
only the two of them know true
what each other sees

She says

"See that ship over there
...by the pier
I should be aboard it
...as I stand here"

October 4 2011