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 Mar 2011 heidi
midnight prague
maybe this is what you want
goodmorning to a smile
goodnight to a smile
humming in the heart of someone unfathomable
light hearted and untainted
maybe but only slightly
but just not enough
to feel the rigid edges
to know that they are always there
I dont deserve this
maybe thats it

your light heartedness
my soul merely corrupt and haunted
stained and discolored over and over
the same spots
by my life

my lovely life
that I accept and appreciate
for showing me what I know

a painful world that you never exsisted in is
where I spent my nights as a child
 Mar 2011 heidi
midnight prague
Tonight. me and my mother cried in the same house.
in separate rooms/ we cried for the same reason.
If I was my mother I would be married with one child and pregnant.
A beautiful woman.young. pale. tall. thick black hair. and simply marvelous.
escaping a civil war at 15 in the hands of a man she barely knew.
life granted her tears of desperation and a hope
that shrivels in front of her more and more with each passing day
her desperation itself suffers like unseen children dieing in deserts unknown
like women who are beaten day after day
like humans who are killed for another humans dinner
where do you bow your head oh gracious care giver
when the air itself has departed from your small space
your small kitchen, and the house that you might loose
paintings hanging on the wall, recognizable for as long as I can remember
of sailor men who looked tiered with their lives
of men who look like you in their beaten down eyes
why must I see you burn in my presence  
like the one time I was 13 and you came into my dark room at midnight
placed my hand on your forehead and asked me to pray as if I could save
you from that quick move, that weakness that makes souls banish
and fall into the grave. I felt like a savior that night.
My mother why must I see you grieve.
I worry with each passing day your body might leave me.
I hold heavy weights on my shoulder and my actions they come to
cease when I think of your existence.
you transcend so often. From marble, to stone, to thin paper.
you stand brute in front of me unwavering, and then you crumble
beneath my eyes.
your daughter, your offspring.  you  .
I never knew a human can shed so many salty drops of crystal water.
shed so much invisible blood. deteriorate beneath the hands of suffering himself.
How could you have been so strong for me. I just do not understand.
Maybe that is why the lunatics live beneath our roofs.
Maybe that is the reason for the draining of sanity and quiet whispers.
These things never lived beside us.
These things never will.
 Mar 2011 heidi
Bellis Tart
i always wanted to be
that girl
too brilliant to resist
too pretty to dis
that girl that stops traffic
walking down the street
that's the pretty girl, i wanted to be
and today i'm sure, that girl is me
but turns out
it ain't all it's cracked up to be
cause i've learned about her life
all her pain
all the abuse
how she'll never be a wife
how you smile to her face
while you stab her in the back
twisting as you push in the knife
i've watched her drag herself
across the coals for your love
beg for peace, like soaring doves
cry for relief as she crawls down the street
after your threw her out
like an out of date piece of meat
collectively flooding her world
all those tears that she's cried
all the disappointment that she's felt, for even having tried
i've watched her fade away
like that soul of hers that died
the day you showed her you'd never love her
for anything more, like her heart and mind
so she jumped from man to man
searching for the plug
to stop up that hole you dug
with rusty shovels and all your poisonous words
words so sharp they cut instantly deep
infecting her with your thoughts and beliefs
just so those physical benefits you'd reap
so you twist her thoughts of love and her worth
and deceive her and make her feel less than dirt
like the ground you walk on
cause you walked all over her
and your name's all over those scars she incurred
you wanna hold her close and tight
but only when it suits you right?
then pretend that you don't know her
this girl, she's been broken
by the thing she thought she wanted
she just wanted to be a pretty face
that anyone would notice
but a pretty face doesn't get you respect
it just got her used
he drew her in, and she loved him
so she let herself be abused
like a cloud covering the sky
she'd fake it just to get by
and she might just never try
again, to look her best
cause those days weren't her fondest
when you could treat her such a way
like the disposable pretty face of a women
that won't stand for it another day
so now when people to her say
"..you're such a pretty face.."
she can tell them all this story
and how unpretty it really is in this place
(c) 07/12/10
 Mar 2011 heidi
Bellis Tart
hello ***,
this is kettle
you too are black
and you should know, this time
you've veered too far off track
and now I cannot ever come back
you said before, he's not a man
no man leaves his children
and yet you've gone and done it yourself
even after these years knowing me
what kind of women, I ask
can turn her back, on one of her children
you still got another kid ma, or did you forget?
like since I decided to get to know that
'not real' man that You made my father
I became less yours
but she, forever and always
'cause she don't want him around
for someone who says she suffers so
for having already said goodbye forever to one child
you should recognize the demise of the relationship with another
you're supposed to be my mother, not the one
who holds her love
over my head, by a tiny string,
like a ton of weighted lead
it's supposed to be unconditional, equal
between all your creations,
but I guess that's just what I
dreamed up in my imagination
'cause you cut that string and let that weight drop
without even a second  thought,
you cut me out
but you got what you really want
of me you are rid
less one headache, less one whole in your pocket
and left with just your one perfect kid
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