heidi: Favorites

Oct 2011 heidi

syd codrington

See life is never easy
Nothing's handed to you for free
Not everything is pleasing
When people tell you what to and not to be.
And life is full of obstacles
A rollercoaster of ups and downs
Its seldom you'll find miracles when you dont believe in how
He is always there to guide you
In the darkness he's the light
When you feel you're in a battle
He will help you fight
The alpha and omega
The beginning and the end
The one we call allah
I know he is my friend
And even though what you're going through
And may feel like you may not make it out
Just go and talk to him, he will tell you how
Just look up to the sky
And know he'll be there
Sometimes you may not hear him
but he will always care.
See life is never easy
But he will guide you through
I know its hard to believe
Just trust that its the truth...

Jul 2011 heidi

I Still Want to be a Super Hero

Jul 2011 heidi

Jon Tobias

I Still Want to be a Super Hero

When I lived in the hospital

Once a week a woman came and read to me

Then I read to her

And every week she asked me

what I wanted to be when I grow up

I always answered

With all the seriousness of a little boy

Who wanted to one day be a man

Could muster

“I am going to be a super hero”

The kind that can control the forests

so I could build everyone houses

Or be like Jesus with the fishes

so no one would ever be hungry

I wanted to be strong like my father was

I wanted to be brave

I told her how I was happy for the chemotherapy

Because nuclear radiation usually only makes villains

Told her

How after the nurses injected me

My body felt like fire

And how I hoped

it would give me the power to control my body temperature

That way

If I ever held anyone

They would never have to be cold

And if you asked me now

What I want to be when I grow up

I’d tell you

I still want to be a super hero

I want to fight back the darkness

With all the strength of the sun

Or wrestle your demons

Or talk to animals

Even if it was just bunny rabbits

I’d find use for it

But I can’t do any of those things

I know we never become what we thought we would when we were kids

I don’t have a skylight calling me to action

Or extra senses alerting me to danger

I barely have my normal senses

I do have this though

A super power I call a cell phone

It’s always on

And I’ll always answer

Because

I at least got enough presence

To keep you from falling asleep alone

And enough spark in my heart to set my words on fire

Enough soul in the songs that I sing

To keep you from leaving again

Enough fat on my bones that I’m comfy to lay with

So if you’re lonely

Or tired

If you need a ride home

Or want me to back you in a fist fight

Or just need a friend

I have this magical thing that I call an ear

Mine

It listens so well

So pick up your super power I call a cell phone

And call me

Jul 2011 heidi

When She was an Optical Illusion

Jul 2011 heidi

Jon Tobias

When She was an Optical Illusion

Won’t you leave me alone

No please don’t go

I mean

Just stand there and let me think a minute

While I walk backwards out the door

This is my entrance in reverse

How I’ve turned myself into an optical illusion

Like the one with the mean old lady

Or is it the princess

Or

you know

the two old people in love

no

that’s not it

It’s the wine glasses

The ones I make you drink whiskey and beer out of

Because we’ve always thought it was classy

I’ve always fantasized about the ways I might leave this place

I have this black and white photo of you

And if I stare at the center of it for 3 minutes

When I shut my eyes I see you on the back of my lids

So what I mean is

You can leave now

I got my two left shoes

And my knapsack full of road maps

I always circle back sooner or later

I mean

You have that black and white photo of me too

And one of my right shoes

I leave things places

Just to come back for them

You’ve got the part of me that’s just off center

The parallel line that redefines my optical illusion

I walk backwards through doors

And run circles in floors

And drink whiskey from wine glasses

And I always come back

For the things I leave behind

Jul 2011 heidi

You Were the Last Mircale I Ever Saw

Jul 2011 heidi

Jon Tobias

You Were the Last Mircale I Ever Saw

God done ****** up again

This time by lettin’ that halo slip from around your holy head

And because he’s full of excuses

he said

“You know

Her halo was so big it must’ve got caught in the birth canal”

Really

that halo was a birth control ring

one of the clear plastic ones

And really

you were a miracle that you came out so perfect

And God done ****** up again by lettin’ that halo slip

In my whole life there have only been 3 miracles I have ever seen

And God can take the credit

Only

Because he didn’t stop them from happening

1: My brother is the most perfect thing to happen on this earth since innocence found its voice and used it
to cry because people are mean sometimes.

2: In my almost 23 years of life, I have almost died 8 times. The miracle in that is, that no matter what my brain might tell me, my body is too dumb to give up on life that easily.

3: You were born into this world. I consider it a miracle that I met you.

I’d give you a halo if you’d let me

I’d become a priest just so I could get close enough to god to tell him

“Man

Quit this crap

We both know the world is ugly

We both know I lay awake most nights because I can’t turn off my brain

We both know that when we finally meet

we will sit at a table

Over a deck of cards

And some cigars

And my favorite beer

Just so we can spend the lifetime it will take

Discussing how I ****** things up over and over again

But Man

Just own up to this one mistake and give the Halo back”

I saw it once

Shaped like a battle field

Or the spilled milk you sometimes cry over

Or a childhood race track

One that in your memories you go to

Over and over again

In my whole life

I have only witnessed a few miracles

And the last one

Was you

Jul 2011 heidi

Stay

Jul 2011 heidi

Jon Tobias

Stay

This needs to be said

Before the words burn down to nothing and

I am once again alone

I’ll make up stories to keep you here

And I’ll stare my phone down till I see my reflection in the black screen

I’ll wear crop circles into the carpet with my impatience

I’ll stare at nothing in the dark that I can finally sleep in

Listen to the heater hum from the ceiling

I’ll beg God to keep you here forever

I bargained with him

Everything I had

He wouldn’t take it

Told me he couldn’t make a promise like that

Said,

“You can’t have her

Not like that

Or in any way

Ever”

So I wrote this to give to you

The only gift I ever had to offer

You can keep my words

And my voice

Just stay

A few minutes longer

I’ll tell you any story you want to hear

I’ll write you into every poem I’ve ever written

I’ll cut the sound from my memory’s movies

So I don’t have to hear you walk away

Again

It’s what I do

Run my mouth till my teeth rattle louder than my voice

Thought there was a black hole in there

So big it ****** the air out of the room

Tried to play it off as a gasp at your beauty

We both knew better than that

So before the words run out

And you walk away again

Just know

I’ll tell you any story

And sing you any song

I’ll lie like you’ve never known

And trade God anything

To keep you here a little longer

Jul 2011 heidi

Where I Found My Voice

Jul 2011 heidi

Jon Tobias

Where I Found My Voice

Never realized your lungs were a cannon

Spittin’ words back in my mouth

Keepin’ me tongue tied and twisted

Never realized how the lead in my feet

Kept me neck deep in your sorrow

Never realized giving up

Meant handing over my pride

I gave it over willingly enough

You kept its backbone

And returned it

So I ate it

Tasted like envy and heartache

Slithered like spaghetti into my gut

Kept my voice breaking during songs of tomorrow

And took out my knees on days I decided to run

I found my voice

Buried under the rocks that I threw at glass houses

I ate that glass and the rocks

Built boulders of bone

Crushed from inside of myself

Now

My voice is made of scar tissue

And my heart is made of rocks

I got a train inside myself

Hellbent on breakin’ daylight

Whistle blowin' the sound of home

I have seen

Nights beggin' to break the sound of lonely

Rustling in bed by myself

And dreamt of days

More meaningful than this one

I’m done waiting for people to save me

I’m done trying to keep a tune

I am done eating my glass houses

And picking up the pieces when I'm through

Jul 2011 heidi

The Message that I was Supposed to Give You

Jul 2011 heidi

Jon Tobias

The Message that I was Supposed to Give You

Rabo Karabekian said all our souls are neon tubes of light
If that is true
I know mine always flickers
Especially when I am scared
And if you knew Morse code
My soul would flash to you

“LOVE ME”

If you place your hands on my chest
You would see
My heart beats

“FREEDOM”

The broken Braille of the goose bumps
That I get when I am cold
They say

    “HOLD ME”

If you were blind
And you
Dragged your hands across the terrain of my face
Every pock mark and scar
Would make you think I was the moon
And when you got to my mouth
Warm from the breath I try to hold
When you’re near me
You’d realize
There really is a man in there

Underneath the warning signs
And flashes of light
When the sounds from the pleads for help stop
And you can finally hear me breathin’
You’ll see the message that I was supposed to give to you
Read what it says on my skin

“Underneath is a man
Who keeps the dark and the stars to his back so he can always face you
Some days his distance feels cruel
Some days his smile is ugly
But his heart
When it’s not beating so hard that it’s beggin’
For freedom
It’s full of love
There is still dust in his lungs
For he does not use his voice much
But he can hold you like a lullaby”

Jul 2011 heidi

What the Child in Me is Begging Me to Tell You

Jul 2011 heidi

Jon Tobias

What the Child in Me is Begging Me to Tell You

If I ever did anything

To make you stop wanting to be my friend

I’m sorry