Her bones sound like the shaky clink of a glass teacup

On a glass plate

And she’s trying to keep it all steady

Her eyes are blue and huge inside her glasses which

I hope make me look as larger than life as she pretends I am

As I pretend to be

Even though it’s against protocol

I hold her hand as we walk through the aisles

And it feels like that one time paper became human

And asked you to pretend it was

Just long enough to know what love felt like

I wanted to tell her I love her

“You’re so sweet,” she said

“So handsome”

“Such a nice smile” she said

I wanted to push the red beaming sun of my face to her cheek

so she could feel me blush

First we looked for hair spray

And then we looked for lipstick

Her favorite chocolate

Which she confided tasted like ****

But she had to stick to sugar free now

And then we looked for her arthritis medicine

Adult diapers

A bedside ******

Please take the years I am not using

I’d die young to keep you here a little longer

To fight back the dust in your bones

And the paper of your skin

I want you to wake up every morning

So when I ask you how your day has been

You can say more than

“Well

I woke up again”

******* lady

If you knew what I would do to stop this

Her smile never fades

No shame hidden in the wrinkles of her face

I let her out the back so she can get to the street corner faster

“Such a nice young boy” She says

And I just want to tell her

I love her

I don’t know where the right place is

But if you ever found it

That’s where my heart would be

Pumpin’ contently

Good intentions lookin’ like veins

Stackin’ up like a spiral train track headin’ up and out

It’s the only way they grow

Up and out

Like weeds

They grow from anywhere

I had a friend who’s car was so messy weeds were growin’ in his back seat

Love is synonymous with the way weeds grow

Makes me thankful for the fissures in the foundation that holds me

On days where the money runs out

And I can’t even keep my own head above water

On days where I collapse into the fault lines I’ve made for myself

There’s still love in there

I know I’m not perfect

But the intentions bleedin’ out from the cracks in my skin

Are beggin’ for forgiveness

Like it was all that I ever wanted

I hate the fact that I push people away

And I hate the fact that I can get so obnoxious

That even my laugh sounds like thunder

beggin’ ya to punch me in the face

Go ahead and stop lovin’ me if you have to

Just know

If you ever found the right place

Maybe stumbled upon it like a hole in the ground

That you somehow missed

My heart would be in there

Good intentions

Workin’ up like weeds

Beggin’ you to love me

Its been a few months since you set me free,
but I'll be right here, where I need to be,
right where you need me,
I know it's not the same,
and it even hurts a little when someone says your name,
and even though you pushed me away and set me aside,
my arms will be open wide,
you're seldom human, you're more cigarette,
you fill my lungs, making it hard to breathe, but somehow you fill me with no regret,
you worsen my condition,
surround me with addiction,
but regardless of all that,
I know I'll find you one night standing on my door mat,
because for you; bad things often seem to arise,
but you know that I won't let them be your demise,
and until then I'll remain out of your sight,
and until then I'll be just alright.

Please dig your nails into my hand,
because I feel so far from land,
even though my legs are buried in the sand,
my heart has a certain ache,
and inside my mind; I quake,
just sitting here together, staring out at the lake,
do you hear the wake,
hear the downfall of my inside structure,
hear me stall; hear me rupture?

It might be better,
if I had sent that letter,
maybe there would be no stress,
maybe if I could confess,
but I wont, and it's not,
so I will sit here; letting my heart rot,
knowing that you call yourself mine but truth you are not,
it feels like a dream,
like any moment my ears should blow out steam,
from all your heat,
from all of my embarrassing defeat,
because I feel all of this is just a tease,
all of this has me on such great unease,
it's eating at me like a disease,
it no longer scares,
to know you are truly theirs.

In fact I'd say it's fine,
but I think I've got to draw a line,
where I let go of your hand,
and I stand,
I will apologize,
and secretly wish inside; that you begin to despise,
all that I am,
and that I am; all that you ****,
and I wish you knew so many things you will never know,
like how in my heart I will never let you go,
or how I love the way your hands go through my hair,
how you basically are my air,
while my words were honey, your words were stings,
so you'll never hear these things.

Big brown eyes,
please don't make me say my goodbyes,
the shudder of your chest,
keeping your heart going to your best.

So you fought and you fought,
but only what little time it bought,
peace and comfort was all that we sought,
all for you, it is all we could do.

I can still imagine your little whine,
I can still feel pretending it's all still fine,
I can still hear your bark,
I still feel stark.

We all remember in fall,
when the cancer got to your legs and you no longer looked so tall,
your coat use to be so smooth,
then we couldn't even pet you just to sooth.

I remember holding you tight,
all through-out the night,
you would sigh and cry,
just looking at you I too, began die.

I remember the day when you forever went away,
one I knew you would've just loved to play,
you let out a deep breathe and your body shook, your soul could no longer stay,
all that I could do was cry and say, "I'm going to miss you every day."

I feel in my insides lurch,
I am surrounded by the smell of this old church,
the stained wood floors creak with every creep,
this seems such an odd place to weep.

A session began,
that can destroy any man,
the loss of a son, the loss of a brother,
it is a pain like no other.

My friend, my family, my sibling,
there is a lump in my throat, and I cannot sing,
surrounded by photos and one cheap flower basket,
there you lie in a dully painted casket.

Our mother bursts out and cries,
there are questions of "who's" and "why's,"
the pastor stands awkwardly and does not know,
as do I, now where do we go?

With mouth stitched closed, and eyes held tight,
now you may sleep all through the night,
you will never again have to feel hurt,
I just wish you did not have to achieve it by going into the dirt.