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 Jan 2013 Heidi Shavill
JM
is what I tell them, now.


"I am only going to hurt you.
I promise."

I will laugh with you
and I will let you see my core,
and you will want so terribly much
to be a part of me

you will do almost anything.

"I told you not to."

I will let you in.
I will open myself completely
and make myself vulnerable at your feet.
You will trust me.

" Stop."


I will tell you about my family
and you will meet them.
You will think you understand me.

Did you think I was lying when I told you I was a *******?

I ******* told you.

I'll make you feel like the most beautiful
woman in the universe.
You will know in your bones
that I am yours alone.


It will be magical and true,

at the time.

We will be in love with each other. Madly, crazily, undoubtedly and completely in love and it will be the most wonderful and pure and good thing that has ever happened to us both and we will pledge eternal loyalty to each other and we will both mean it and we will be happy beyond our comprehension.

Then... I will

change.

I will grow tired of you.
I will become distant.
I will become indifferent.
I will become cruel.

You will be confused
and cry
and plead and pout and sulk and berate and beleaguer.

You will question yourself
and your motives, like it was your fault or your failing
when it was neither.

If it makes you feel better,
I will apologize.
I won't mean it though.
Not all the way, not like I should.

It was just me
being me
and doing

exactly

what I said I would.
 Jan 2013 Heidi Shavill
JM
Coffee and **** rips.
What a delightful breakfast.
I should eat, also.
 Jan 2013 Heidi Shavill
JM
Undone
 Jan 2013 Heidi Shavill
JM
You really are a crazy ******* *****.

You don't know it.
Everyone else does.

I loved you
in spite of this.
I put up with so much out of you.

I loved you so hard.

I loved you
until you lied.
 Jan 2013 Heidi Shavill
JM
Night, a gentle snow.
My sycamores, they dance now.
A secret, they know.
I'm the offspring of a mighty current,
Conceived in a shark ******.
My brothers, I ate them
from inside the womb.
Their cartilage made me forget

That my eyes have room for the sun.
My eyes have room for the sun.
My body holds the seed
of a new race,
and from my mouth
the sea is born.

My cradle was the harvest  of a moon
that didn't know how to breastfeed me,
Perhaps it was the kiss of the ant,
or the kiss of the snake.
Perhaps the poison made me forget

That I am verse,
I am a poem in a bag of bones,
I am the misunderstood expression,
I am the opportunities of my skin.
I am the beauty
in the dead of a raging hurricane.

My only mistake
was having my trial in someone else's sheets.
Surrendered my body,
Surrendered my will,
and the desire to be somebody,
in order to have some body.
The trust in myself,
the love I should feel for myself.

I lost everything
In the hands
of the one who wanted to want me.

And today, in front of the mirror
I don't know if my gaze blinds me,
or lies to me.
These walls, these four walls they keep him alive.
I sit in them, I look around, I wait to hear his voice, to see him stroll across the room.
Throw the door open mid afternoon and throw himself onto the bed next to me.
Cascading waves of kisses on my body, clutching my waist, running his fingers threw my hair, losing himself with me, neither of us knowing what we're doing, nobody caring, the world was ours, the night was ours.
These walls, these same four walls, they taunt me with weaknesses I now posses.
They flash images of the last time I saw him, screaming his last words at me,
"I think we should stop this."
I turn to the other wall, it continues the nightmare.
"I love you, you know that right?"
I sit up and cover my eyes.
*"I think we should see other people."
"I'm just not sure this is right anymore."
"We're done Lisa, it's over." *


These walls, these dreaded four walls, they keep me prisoner to my thoughts.
They put shackles around my feet, handcuff my arms, and rip out my soul to play with.
They drag it back and fourth, my body playing monkey in the middle, running for survival every time I see his smile
When I feel a warm breath on my neck
A nibble on my ear.
My body, it yearns for life, for passion, for lust.
My body, it fights for its life, drained and confused, numb, yet ambitious.
Take the hammer and strike the metal,
Take a person and strike their heart,
Smelt the metal down into steel,
Smelt a person so they understand how you feel.

The way you craft the metal is your own,
The way you craft a mind is unknown,
When finished thy blade be done,
When finished thy life has begun.

Once crafted no longer be metal,
Once crafted a life be gentle,
Now that you got a blade,
Now that you have purpose,
Choose a path or live in a furnace.

The way you craft,
The way you live,
The ways you love,
All comes down when smelting,

Just remember that,
Someone is always Smelting Thy Heart.

— The End —