I am anxiously awaiting the day when
I am not afraid of
I am not obsessed with
I am not stressed over
I am not anxious thinking about
I am not sick because of
Food.

But at the same time....

I just crave the days where
I would have two bites of a pancake all day long,
And rewarded myself with not having
To down half a loaf of bread,
Or purge everything up.

The days where I'd have more than 300 calories
And want to slit my ******* wrists,
But my slashes it got me to get rid of those calories.

The days when I felt empty
And empty felt full
And full felt clean
And clean felt light
And light felt healthy
And healthy felt thin.

My teeth can rot.
My muscles can ache.
My legs can bleed.
I just want to go back to that.

It's not as easy as I remember
Getting back into the habit.
I know once I'm there
It's smooth sailing.

Just pick up the razor
Let it dance across your wrist
Dragging a red train behind it
Just let it caress your skin
  Bringing you into oblivion

Just swallow every last pill
Make sure ever last one slides down your throat
And even as your body writhes and heaves
Just relax into it, riding the wave
   Bringing you your sweet escape

Just leave your engine running
With all the doors and windows shut
Inhale the tantalizing smell of death
Just wait until you feel the fumes embrace you
     Bringing you home on a bed of smoke

Just hang some twine from your rafters
Feel its soothing massage around your neck
Say a quick prayer, and taking a last breath
Just jump, feet first, and don’t look down, listen for the crack,
     Bringing you the last sound you’ll hear

Just touch the cold metal to your head
Soft as a gentle kiss, with a velvet bullet tongue
You know your white walls would look lovely red
Just slowly squeeze the trigger, easy as she goes
      Bringing you into a state of ecstasy, fade to black

Just run into the pure blue depths, slick and serene
They’ll crash around you, knocking you down
Beating you, the way that gets you off
Just submit to the indigo ink, to the large rocks breaking your back,
Bringing you to your highest peak, and then silence

Just let yourself be free, forget about your troubles
And let Death’s cloak wrap around you in embrace
Taking you to worry free shores, painless cliffs
Just let go, just like you’ve always wanted
   Bringing you the satisfaction of release

Toilet paper,
                You are the only one who
                Puts up with all my crap.
                You listen when no one else will
                To all my groaning and moaning.
                You share all my private moments
                And follow me from the bowels of hell
                Into the plumbing of despair.

Toilet paper,
                You have seen my most private parts,
                The dark crevices of my flesh,
                Where no one will go.
                And should I sneeze
                You will wipe my nose.
                You will take away my filth,
                And your softness can embrace
                The sewage of my soul
                And the flakes of flesh
                That my heart has discarded.

Toilet paper,
                You are the only one I know
                Who kisses my ***.

How admirable!
to see lightning and not think
    life is fleeting.

A haiku:*

Monkey see, monkey
throw **** at lover monkey.
Monkey make-up ***.

With eyes engorged
My senses surge
I found a thin place
Where triumph cowers in a visions range
As our worlds converge
There, plain as day
Where I swear I've seen your face
I kneel down to pray
But I can hardly say your name

Somtimes
My
Insane
Life
Eradicates
   My
   Youth.
       Don't
       Ask.
       Real
       Life
       Is
       Not
       Great.
Smile, my darling. Everything works out in the end.