i cried in your arms that night, under blankets and wires tangled up our shoulders. i carved something out of the deep insides of my chest and i showed it to you even though i knew you didnt have a place for it anymore. thats okay. you left when the sun came up. thats okay too. you didnt want me that night, not really, but you reached for me anyways, because we were high and lonely and stupid and i wanted nothing more to hold on and i still still still do the way that feeling pounds on my insides. i want to silence it or crush it under rocks something powerful and definite but i hold it in my hands and scream i cant i cant instead. im sorry. things would be so much easier for you if i could. i want you to be happy sometimes more than i want to breathe air, i want to burn that feeling between us that makes you cut off and cold but i know its no use because i put it there in the first place. i hope she loves you, and i say this with no hurt in my words, i hope she loves you like i never let myself when i had you, i hope she holds you tight like youre the light in a sea of nothing, i hope you show her all your favorite songs and take her to concerts and shower her in soft little words she knows are hers. i want you, more than i think ive let myself want anything in too long, and ill keep my hand untangled for you, but please, please dont grab on unless youre going to stay.

theres a song about a cottage and rolling fields
and when im there i can only see you
we put bees in little jars and feed them sugar water
you walk with me through mud and too wet grass
and maybe its just because i have the pills you want but,
i hold it and i dont let it go

last autumn we walked through starlit streets and
i wore purple dresses and you picked me up on rooftops
winding metal stairs going down into secret passages through the earth i
i miss your eyes on my skin, my hair
those little things you told me before the walk home we’ll
be there soon

ill take you to the stream or i wont
words buried me once and they will ruin me again
tell me, do i fill that place in your bottle still? when
you reach for me under mosaics or tables
when that glass breaks and
swarms in puddles on our feet,
am i supposed to hold on?

hey I want to play a game

let's play the game where you say I look good with him and I laugh, thinking it's an insult
let's play the game where I can't see him as a friend anymore after you said that
let's play the game where I contemplate my feelings towards him
let's play the game where I imagine a life with him because I fall so fast
let's play the game where being locked in the storage room for several years makes me afraid that he's a boy
let's play the game where I pick him apart to rebel against myself
let's play the game where I tear myself apart because he isn't my dream girl
let's play the game where I think about him for three months and it breaks me
let's play the game where I accidentally fall in love
let's play the game where I risk my heart and confess on a Tuesday
let's play that game where I'm crying in my best friend's hair and everyone passes by saying he wasn't worth it anyway
let's play the game where I wait for 8 days tearing my head apart
let's play the game where he finally calls and says "I want to be with you"
let's play the game where I get all I ever wanted
let's play the game where I'm happy with the love of my life and he's happy to be with me
let's play the game where he actually loves me too

Never mind, forget it
I don't want this
I don't want to play anymore

******* wear me like a dead weight
well you won’t turn off your stupid head
waking on and on that wretched machine
abundance down the drain

it’s all garbage
it’s all claim and make claim
the last breath of a long dead system
that carries on without thought

gimme another song
i don’t want it
gimme along the road nowhere
i don’t want
i don’t want a **** thing
i’ll wait and wait and wait for your stop
you fill me with nothing

stagger and reproduce
it’s how you survive

every day the newest car drives past my window
and i puke

hey babe, it's me. you did it, you survived. i'm very proud of you and you deserve to hear that. it's the end of the twelfth month. you should go grab a drink and celebrate, you deserve it. school stressed you out? it's ok, you tried your best. you're in love. would you have guessed it? in love with a silly boy that makes you feel dizzy. he soothes you and it's overwhelming, but he's home. he's safe. your other hip is doing good too. having trouble as always, but she'll make it. tell her you love her, she needs to hear it. hug her too, she wants one but gets nervous. don't neglect her, she's discontinued. the hospital is ok. don't get scared. one is for you and one is for him, everyone is alive. don't fret. the miscellaneous items located at the bottom of your bag are still there but they're irrevelant. you can clean them out later. if you're crying, stop. it's not worth it. go kiss mom for me and daddy too, you'll miss those moments. when everyone's gone, like it is now, you'll feel lucky. savor it, don't waste it. bye babe, goodnight.