What are you thinking?
What are you thinking,
You kid
Who shakes between breath and rifle?

Answer with
Your disgust
In the this order:
Bullied,
Outcast,
Solace in the dark.

Let's rephrase the question
To help me understand:
Between your breath and the rifle
Are you even thinking,
Thinking while you tremble
Within 50 yards of more youth
Buried in your darkness
Remembering what was taken
From your youth,
emotionally charged
And confused more so
Than your family,
Your family whom loves
Could have ever dreamed of?

I remembered
I promised you a poem,
In fact one a day for our love-
There's a problem though,
I can't seem to get them out:

   Because your presence
   Is like a million words,
   A thesaurus sitting right
   Next to me,
   And what you are to me
   When you are with me is an
   Eternal sonnet.
   But when I tried I began to
   Understand something that brings
   My understanding of us clearer,
   That we are the same in separate
   Places, in the same solitude
   Without knowing each other's
   Pain or fatigue.
   That we are both not people,
   But the wind freed in our selves,
   A gale freed from the conventional
   And we become a sudden verse,
   Nostalgic and naive,
   Stubbornly young and hopeful,
   There in that place,
   When we are together,
   I cannot write the poem
   That has not yet finished
   Being written.

There are emergency vehicles screeching
down the inner city streets of me
sirens blaring, civilians cramming their
cars along the curb in a polite form
of avoidance
and you are speeding through the yellow-
lighted intersections of my broken heart
busy with the thought of rescue
because all the aching parts of me have convinced you that it is necessary
and you are my only hope.

Concept.
I am stopping in a parking lot to pick up a penny - heads up - and wishing that you, wherever you are now, are happy; that you are safe. I stopped wishing for you to be thinking of me too many moons ago to count successfully. You are scrambling through the empty pockets of eternity fishing for loose change.

Concept.
You are thinking of me. I am taking an afternoon nap and you are thinking of me. You aren't exactly sure about how long it's been since we last spoke but something about the swirl of your fingerprints says it's been a while. You think of me once, just this once, and I laugh in my sleep; as if the thought of you isn't something that consumes me every cognizant moment of the day.

Concept.
We are still together, only we're different people now. My head rests in your lap and your fingers ballroom dance through my hair. We are laying on a couch in a room that is much too plain to belong to either of us. You are watching something on TV, and I am watching you. I was always watching you.

Concept.
Everything is different, but nothing's really changed. Your hands have always been a bit too big to belong to my own. My heart was always the one getting sucker punched. I was always a *******. And you always loved to see me bleed.

Concept.
I say that always is a big word, and you say it isn't big enough.

You never answered my question*         2:51 AM

2:51 AM                           What is your question?

Are you happy?                                       2:53 AM

2:54 AM                                                          I am,

Good                                                     ­     2:55 AM

I want to open up my bedroom window and listen to the warm summer rain and call you and tell you I love you. That this morning I remembered how I'd try to massage your legs and you'd laugh so hard because your legs were ticklish and how I could never actually massage your legs and I love you. I want to ask if sometimes all these memories wash over you unexpectedly too, pulling you under, drowning you. I want to tell you that it's okay to call and tell me when it happens and that I love you and we can teach each other how to swim again. And I love you.

Cleanse the palette
Out all the toxins
Write it out
Dance it out
Sit and wallow it out
I white out things that are changing
Create ink where there are new plans
But today, I just wanna sit in my bed and be productive.

Its been a time.
11 months is the score
This time last year I fretted and waited for answers
I don't wait for answers anymore.

I hit a point of running the cash register
Pouring soups, delivering food
Where I saw the flashes and images
Of you with your newness in my mind
I felt so angry, so betrayed
And it makes me want to scream at the heavens
At them all
I have done nothing but date pigs.

The sun seems to peeking from under the clouds now
But my insides still feel the same remorse.

You blended into the wall paper
Of what you thought I wanted, needed
Our mothers said you longed to be of the same caliber
I can't believe I let you back into my bed
So many ******* times.

I long and whistle and wait for the summer time
I'll be just my own
But can't help and remember stolen traffic cones
Or how adventurously handsome you seemed
And portrayed yourself to be
As you replace, replace, replace
Step and repeat, rinse me away
A swamp of faces telling me how much I mean
But surrounding your deceit and immature ways
Because of ******* history.
And like a hooded ***** witch
I cast knowing spells, my hands in the air

You will all be torn apart in time
You will all have to go your own way as clocks tick by
This cult, fraternity that you sit upon
Filled with lies, cheating, backstabbing
It will all fall.

But I send my love and well to do kisses.


I HATE myself for falling for it.
I hate myself for not listening to warnings
I hate myself for believing you were unique
I hate myself for giving you a chance again and again
I hate myself for wanting so much
From someone who could give so little
Somedays I soar
Somedays I grieve so deeply
Somedays I hate you and hate you and hate you
And somedays
None of the poetry or the character you played
To rope me in
Matters at all.

You are just like a brick wall.

But now there is a barrier
A barrier in which you have attempted to replace, erase
Me, this time last week I had such a huge kick in my step
My body painted with fresh coats of paint
I drank so much whiskey until I couldn't feel anymore
But I was too drunk to reach you.

Thank God.

Because you are unreachable
I wish I didn't feel pain anymore
And I mostly have been so good, so alive, so radiant
But today, today
I wanted to shake you and hate you
And I do from afar.

Time to write it out in more blue ink
I cancel plans because I want my own company
I'm ready for change
A new comforter, new sheets, new chest of drawers
A little place we can play in our cobwebs of art and poetry
Its too bad yet another one had to be a disappointment.

Lost love
Abandoned love
Lying love
Deceptive love
I wonder if you replay the image of my face on the train
When I decided to fully push you away.

**** it.
**** it all.
What an unlady like thing for me to say
I wanna be the best
I wanna be the most popular
I wanna be the most successful

But I put my cross down of giving and hurting
I nod at the sunshine peeking out from the clouds
All my poems seem to come full circle
And end with me picking and lifting myself
Back out of the rabbit hole
I'm all I really got.