And I found that sadness isn't a gradual process.
It's instantaneous, like a cold wave of salt water flushing you under,
Drowning you for a few moments, and you're in shock.
You ask yourself, "Am I drowning?" and, "Is this really the end?"
And then you begin to panic.
You cannot see, for the salt burns your eyes, and you aim blindly for the surface.
Your lungs feel heavy, suddenly,
And you begin to lose your breath.
And in that moment, you reach the surface.
The surface isn't promising, for it's a blinding, white light,
And your eyes have a difficult time adjusting to the light.
They may never fully adjust, really.
And then you wish you had drowned,
Because for some reason the water changed you,
And you cannot fully learn to breathe,
And your eyes never fully adjust,
So you're stuck being this numb, blind, asthmatic person for the rest of your time.
There's no going back either,
Once you're hit, you're hit.
It's not a gradual process.

Everyday is the same.
I feel darkness and terror with the unknowing of life,
Uncertain of what I stand for, and what my purpose is.
But I feel that is normal, for a girl of my age.
With so much to offer, it just seems surreal,
In fact, nothing really feels real.
I wake up in the morning, quarter to 7,
And the one thing on my mind is, "Is this worth it?"
I think, "Is what I do even adding up to something?
"Is this life I live, a life at all?"
And I smile,
Because it does not matter.
Nothing matters, really.
You make me happy, and I like you.
And I like how I feel when I'm with you.
I like how it feels being in your arms,
How it feels when you talk, and I can feel the vibration of your voice through your shirt.
I am certain of two things,
I will die,
And I really, really like you.

It's strange how through times of turmoil you discover who belongs in your life.
In that moment, you stop everything you're doing, just to let that one person know,
You love them.
They fight on, and live on, through the inner struggles in their heads,
Struggles some of us who are weaker, would not understand.
She said, "If this is the end, let it be beautiful."
So let it be beautiful,
Because she said so.

I hope you know that you are beautiful.
You are a small flower, in a field of weeds.
You will bask in the sun, and quiver in the night,
Hoping for affection that never comes.
And you deserve it, you do.
And I'm sorry he broke your heart, I'm sorry you're upset,
But please feel better, flower.
Let the rain sooth your wounds.
Let your friends water you with kind words, and unconditional love.
Grow to your fullest potential,
Because your smile puts those weeds to shame.

It's hard to believe every word that you said, every lie that you fed,
Was nothing but ******* and lies.
But day after day, I observe the way
You respond but never try.
It's hard to believe I actually thought everything you said was true,
But how could I not, all I ever wanted was you.
It's a story that's been said, that's been stuck in my head,
Over and over again.

Over and over again I fall for you.
Over and over again I cry for you.
Over and over again I pray for you.
Over and over again are we.

Give me your attention, spare me your time,
I need to know someday you could be mine.
Minutes turn to hours, days to weeks,
But somehow when I'm with you, I cannot speak.
Why is it that I can't tell you how I feel?
When this awful situation is such a constant ordeal?
Are you playing games, am I insane?
Why is every word constantly replayed in my brain?
Maybe you just don't like me, or maybe I'm not worth your time,
Over and over again,
I question if you're mine.

I do not need
Anyone
But myself.
Thank you for trying.