As the smoke exits my mouth,
The harm enters my lungs.
Filling me with contempt,
Knowing I am once again,
Ruining me.
As the blade glides across my skin,
All my pride and self worth glides away with it.
I am left once again,
Harmed and Worthless.

Your voice rang in my head,
As I looked death in the eyes.
“You will get through this”
“You are strong enough”
But death was already carrying me,
To my new home.

I try to slice the skin,
To cut away my sins.
Praying that with my blood,
My memories would drip out too.
That I would be new, clean.
His touch no longer clinging to my body.
That day no longer a piece of me.

I confess.
I am in dyer need to hurt,
I miss the pain.

I admit,
i still cry every night.

I must say,
The dreams have never stopped.

But when, tell me when.
Will it stop?
When will these thought disappear,
Can I go too?

I am not afraid of the dark,
It can't scare me anymore.
I'm used to it.
It's ways of making me think and feel.
Having full control over me like a drug.
And I'm the addict.

I love the pain.
Because when you live with it,
Everyday...
You have no other choice.

***** dishes,
Unwashed clothes.
Shoes on the floor.
My love and I sprawled on the couch,
His arms wrapped around.
Taking life nice and easy.
Laughing at our old ambitions,
And realising that this is the life we live.
This is where I want to be

I feel like,
I am lying on a table.
Slit down my middle,
My family,
Friends,
Doctors,
And therapists.
Peering inside me.
Looking for the cause.
But the cause was me.
I am the problem.
They were looking right at it the whole time.

You fold me into what you want me to be.
And I can't do anything about it.
You cut, you fold and you rip.
Over and over,
Until I am what you've always imagined.

Your addiction.
You think we don't notice but we do.
The empty bottles hidden in corners.
The slur in your voice.
The pain in your eyes.
Why are you doing this?
You are fine on the outside...
But what is inside making you **** yourself like this?
What demons are you trying to drink away....?

I am full of stories,
Some happy,
Some sad.
I can be hard to read,
But some people find it easy.
You bend my pages,
They never go back to how they were.
Sometimes you’ll forget your even reading me...
And when your finished,
I’m thrown somewhere dark,
Never to be seen again.

Neat little rows.
All over my body.
Some deep,
Some shallow.
Every line with its own story.
Little memories I carry with me.
The after scarring always there to remind me.
Of the pain I felt in those deep dark moments.

It hurts when you love someone so much,
Yet they are completely blind to the fact.
When you can't even sleep with worry,
And their out having fun, not even distinctly thinking about you.

It creeps in, not making a sound.
Clawing away at any happiness you had.
Until it has devoured it all,
Leaving you as a hollow shell....
Leaving you with nothing.

I used to be alive.
But now I am nothing more than a ghost.

I feel upset.
That's where this all started.
Upset turned to hurting.
Hurting turned to harming.
Harming turned to drugs.
Drugs turned to addiction.
Addiction turned to depression.
And depression stole my soul.
And its making me forget who I am,
More and more,
Day by Day.

My legs tremble underneath me,
My chest tightens,
The voices shout louder.
My vision depletes,
And my hands start shaking.
I am becoming unsteady,
With myself.

If i wasn't me, i think i'd last.
But I wouldn't be me without the hurt.
I wouldn't be me without my past
I wouldn't be me without my tears
I wouldn't be me without my scars
I wouldn't be me.

As my legs go numb,
And my lungs fill with liquid.
I feel at peace.
This recognizable feelings,
That reminds me I’m alive.
Even though in pain,
I am still here.
The bells in head,
Bashing from left to right,
Give me a sense of hope,
Even though it causes pain.
Then the darkness.
Where I relive my past.
And I’m back...

I lay there dead and numb inside,
While you drew me in just like a tide.
I really don’t know where to start,
But you pulled a knife and cut my heart.
And in that moment then I knew
I could never ever stop loving you.
Even though your bad for me,
You make me feel alive and free...

Your my reason.
My reason to live.
My reason to wake up in the morning,
And not to enter the eternal sleep I crave.
You keep me going,
And keep me happy.
Your the reason I'm slowly starting to find a meaning.
You turn the bad days to good,
And sometimes the good days to bad,
But we always fight through it.
I don't know what i'd do without you.

I feel your touch,
On my shoulder while I sleep.
I can feel your breath,
Warming my neck.
But why can I still feel the pain,
Why can I still se the dark?
When my happiness is lying right beside me...

I stand,
The fire screaming at me.
I don't move,
I don't want to.
I want to be engulfed by these flames.
These flames of hell.
Yet above me the clouds shine,
The Earth feels soft under my bare feet.
Keeping me grounded.
Yet the serene beauty of the world,
Is taken over by this darkness inside.

It’s not just the blades.
Its hands,
It’s nails,
Binging,
Vomiting,
Starving,
Alcohol,
Fighting,
Punching,
­Biting,
Isolation,
Reliving,
Remembering.
Self harm is not just blades.

And I suddenly felt at peace,
One the pills passed my lips.
This whole lifetime of struggle.
Stopped.
Ended.
Finished.
Dead.

As the pills kick in,
She feels at peace.
She feels the pain leaving her body.
Numb.
Knowing her fight is finally over

I don’t know you anymore.
Your mind is gone,
Your body a hollow shell.
I dream about you,
But I’m reality,
Who are you?
Who are you now if not yourself.
I miss you.

I stopped trying the day you left.
I stopped my sport,
I stopped participating in school.
I stopped caring,
I stopped loving.
I stopped being me.
And it feels as if I've also
Stopped breathing.

Life is a jigsaw.
Sometimes you fit the pieces together, first try.
Sometimes it takes a few tries,
Putting the pieces in the wrong places
And taking a while to figure out where they go.
But sometimes, the jigsaw falls and breaks.
The decision lies there.
Awaiting your answer.
Do you start again?
Or give up.

Holding her hand, that silky petite hand, her gorgeous lips, dripping from the cold, wet winter rain. Her velvet brown hair blowing in the wind as we run towards the shop front for shelter. But I stop, grabbing her arm. I take both her hands in my mine, keeping them protected. I take a deep breath and watch the droplets of water fall from her hood onto her cheeks. Those eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes, complimented by those long long eyelashes. She smiled her bright little smile.. And it was then I said. I love you.

I'm just a body,
Not a person.
Unnoticed in your eyes,
And also in mine.
I'm just a face,
Not pretty or perfect
Just another girl,
Unnoticed.
I'm just upset,
Nothing new.
The pain it hurts,
Unnoticed.
Until the day,
When I end my pain,
I will be
Unnoticed.

Just keep smiling,
Even though people are talking.
Just keep smiling,
Even though home is a mess.
Just keep smiling
Even though the blades hurt.
Just keep smiling,
Even though your dying...

And today,
I broke.
My body shook,
My breath deepened.
I lost my voice,
My thoughts.
And I was back,
Back in my past.
Once again.
The hands,
The voice,
I can feel it.
I am there.
I am back,
Back to the beginning,
The beginning of my life long battle.

My fingers run across my thigh,
Feeling the damage I’ve done.
The rough lines delicately scattered to and fro.
Each telling their own tale of how they appeared.
One containing memories,
Another made by pain.
In a way I feel at peace knowing their always there.
Never leaving,
Unlike everything else in life.

I can still feel the nerves,
Sneaking out to mind you.
I can still feel your hair between my fingers,
Wet with fear.
I can still feel your breath on my cheek,
Smelling of stale alcohol.
I can still hear your voice,
Hoarse and lost.
I can still see the way you looked at me,
With your big, sad, blood shot eyes,
Begging me to never leave your side.
Your lips telling me you love me.
And in that moment,
I knew I was never going to be the same.
I love you too.