sometimes, someone comes along
and you never stop thinking of them
in the middle of the night

where the thoughts
make the body feel out of control
and i know i'm self sabotaging
but i don't stop
the self hate
or to look in the mirror
because i know what i see
is a disappointment

and i'm already ******
so i might as well continue
down the vortex of troubling thoughts
onto the dark path of no coming back
at least not tonight

so i might as well continue
eating my feelings and cursing the sky
because i'll never be who i want to be

i might as well continue

..or not

i hate what i look like
in everything i wear

i hate the way i look
with this newly chopped off hair

i hate that i work out so hard
but still have fat right there

i hate that i compare myself
so harshly with what i see
and make others feel bad
just to be near me

i don't mean to punish you
when i feel like you're succeeding
i just wish you could notice
that i'm sitting here and bleeding

this isn't a poem
not really
just me stating, i'm proud
proud of myself

i found an old journal
and after just a few pages
i realized
i've grown a lot
mentally and emotionally

and that's something to celebrate
even if only with a handful of strangers

yeah, it's been years
since we last talked.

i cant say
the way you like your coffee,
what your favorite movie is,
or your thoughts as you close your eyes.

but ever so often
i'll hear a song
and i'll remember the way
your braid glistened in the sunlight
and the passion in your eyes.

no one conveys more purpose
in a single glance
than you.
and somehow, i doubt
that has changed.