I want to open up my mind
Dig in and pull it all apart
Spread it out on a table
And marvel at all the thoughts

Why do we have to grow up?
Why can’t we be like Peter Pan?

Grown ups lack creativity and imagination
They see blankets and pillows
While kids see forts, fights, and fun

They don’t understand
The joy of running through the sprinklers
Or why **** noises are so hilarious

They stress over everything
And are unable to be carefree

So why grow up?
I really don’t want to
And see no reason to

Unfortunately as I age it gets harder and harder
As I’m given more responsibilities
I have less time for blanket forts and sprinklers

But I’ll never grow up
Never

A classmate exclaimed
As Mrs. Ragan shoved
An Aladdin mug
In my face as I
Gained consciousness
During sixth grade
Art class

My first seizure

The depression started
Soon after

10mg of lexapro
Five thereapists
Three neurologists
Doctors ****

Middle school was
A Deep Dark
Dooming Depression
I had no friends
I hated everyone
And everything
But mostly
I hated myself

Wishing I had drowned
Or never woke up from
My first seizure

When I was three
My mom woke up
In the middle of the night
To me crying profusely
In my bathroom.
She freaked out and ran in,
Thinking I was terribly hurt.
“What’s wrong, hunny?!”
I sat on the sink counter
And turned my face from the mirror
To face her, wiping
The tears with my shirtsleeve
“Nothing,” I smile
“Just practicing my fake crying”

My Room has orange peels
from last week. Clothing
is piled on my chair.
The cupcake pan from
Lizzie’s birthday is balancing
between my makeup bag
and almost empty shower
supplies. Shirts are piled
atop my book shelf. There
simply isn’t room in the
drawers. The walls are
covered with posters,
pictures, and letters. Scarves
hang on the door and
my computer plays Van
Morrison. I sit in my
turquoise bed in an old
t-shirt and purple *******
writing poems.

I want love notes
I want big hands to fit in mine
I want our bodies to fit within one another like a puzzle
I want to know your fears
I want adventures
I want you to hold on to me and promise me that everything will be ok
I want sunsets and sunrises with me in your arms
I want to steal your gaze
I want to rant about my ****** or amazing day
I want breakfast for dinner
I want piggyback rides
I want shared hopes and dreams and aspirations
I want to be perfectly comfortable just sitting together with no need for words
I want music
I want picnics
I want them to be jealous of what we have
I want curled toes
I want laughter
I want you

I love to people watch
Imagining their lives and personalities
Inventing relationships
Creating their futures
I’m amused by the fact that
They don’t know I’m watching
They entertain and inspire me
While I sit up here unnoticed