I cover it up
I don't allow
Them to see
Me like this
Weak
Powerless
Hurting
I don't want
The meds
Or
The doctors
Or
The *******
I want to
Face it
Then bury it
Remaining positive
Praying it doesn't
Surface again
They'll never know
How it affects me
How it never went away
How I will always be
Depressed

My pain drenches me
I try my best to wring it all out
But I somehow remain damp

Yellow walls surround me as I
Crouch into fetal position
With my back against the toilet
My mother banging on the door
Yelling begging me to open
I drown her out with my sobbing

I was clinically depressed
But this was my first thought about
Suicide

I wanted to **** myself but
I was scared and didn’t know how
Instead I cried myself to sleep
With disappointment in myself
Sobbing within those yellow walls

I was four years old when I was *****.
I wore a pink jumper to my
first police investigation.
A skinny woman with a short
dark pixie cut showed me how to
make a paper airplane in a
room with a large mirror. You know,
the kind that the police have to
look in at the people in the
room without the people in the
room seeing them. After a while
I got used to police rooms, and
doctors’ rooms, and therapists’ rooms.
I was used to the same questions.
I never remembered though. I
didn’t have the answers that they
wanted. I didn’t remember
anything. All we had was the doctor’s proof
that it happened. I knew nothing.
We never found out who did it.
I’ll never know.

It is not your
fault
that I am going to
leave.
I left the dishwasher
running
and my laundry is
clean.
Please don't be
confused.
Don't be
worried.
Don't be
scared.
I won't be
alone.

Laura and I signed a
pact.
We have decided to
die
together because
no one
understands our
depression.
Our peers are
mean
and we see no
reason
in living when the
pain
could so simply
stop.

I'm sure you're
sad
and I know this is
rough,
but Mom, it had to be
done.
I promise that I'm
nothing
important and I won't be
missed.
Sure, some will shed
tears
and they'll have
regrets,
but all will be happier when
I'm gone.