It is only 11:45 at night but it already feels like 2 in the morning.
A black and featurless night that washes away rational fears and
Replaces them with monsters more real than can be imagined.
I have so much to say to you, so much to tell you and show you.
But alas I cannot because understanding would be futile.
You see, my love, (if I can still call you that)
I still want you, still love you I suppose.
I am lost, adrift amid a sea of black impenetrable and so very vast.
I am unable to say that I am okay, but I am not in a desolate state of utter misery either,
I sometimes seem to trick myself into thinking so.
You see, I miss you at 5 in the early dawn when everything slumbers on the very edges of consciousness,
When the birds wake and coo to their partners.
I miss you in the depths of the night, 12 o'clock and desperate for company.
And I miss you at 3 in the afternoon when the kids get out of school
And the world rushes by in a blur from a grimy school bus window.
But, it is not really the mental connection that I crave.
It was more your body, your hands, your lips exploring parts of my body that have not yet been explored.
I am aware that I could trick many other willing guys into playing with me,
Dancing their lush tongues against already blemished skin,
But I can only imagine you holding me in the wails of my agonizing pleasure, the moans of my miserable release.
I can only see your hands caressing my hips and your back ridged beneath my exploring fingertips.
And I can definitely imagine other, more  pleasant men, guys,
That could satisfy my burning desire for a certain closeness.
Do you feel the same?
I looked at your Tumblr the other day.
It has grown wasted.
The margins of your pages have been filled with sorrow.
Am I the cause of this?
One post caught my eye.
It was a wall scribbled with words jumbled and tangles like my thoughts, and probably yours as well.
It read something I almost couldn't bear to read.
It must have expressed your feeling well, for I had seen it before, but never thought anything of it.
It said that you wished I would bleed, that I would become miserable at best.
Can't say I'm not already there.
It said you were a friends of the devils.
Is that really true?
And it said that you were too nice a person to do these things it said.
I didn't really believe it.
Above it a screen had a few words stated simply in a piercing blue.
"I wish I could you hate you but I can't bring myself to."
I guess I feel the same.
In the end, I am a broken person and you are one who fixes, a savior of wasted toys.
Was that all I was to you?
A project that needed fixing?
I didn't end up quite like how you wanted me to, I was too broken and missing too many parts you couldn't find.
It isn't shocking, that you gave up on me, I mean.
I am quite easy to abandon, you could say that yourself.
But I don't miss it like I thought I would.
No.
I kept trying to convince myself to run back to you, to beg mercy,
To stick your hammer back in your hand and lay myself bare on your worktable.
But I couldn't bring myself to ask forgiveness to what I had done.
My mind wasn't functioning enough for that.
And so now I sit here in the dark of my basement, my dog lying here beside me and snoring in a blissful sleep,
His chest rising and falling like machinery.
My veins are popping up from my hands and my fingers hurt from the non-stop typing I have been doing.
And I can only stare in fascination at the webbing of blue that coats my right hand,
The shadow it casts from the pale of my computer screen.
Did you know I haven't been eating as much lately?
I'm actually losing weight now, slowly but surely, just like I promised you.
But you can't see the end result when I will be pretty,
You won't see me spread eagle beneath you on a pillow top bed like we dreamed together.
Some other person will.
And I feel bad for you, dumping me in the black bottomless pit that is the single life, because I could be gold on the inside, it just takes some panning to see it.

Hello little girl,
hidden inside me,
I'm sorry we can't play.
My Barbie's were thrown out years ago,
there's not a teddy bear in sight.
Now who do I hold close at night?

Hello little girl,
hidden inside me,
I'm sorry I have to push you away.
My face screams nineteen,
my rib cage whimpers
child.
You must be getting lonely.
At least we have that in common.

Hello little girl,
who wants to paint all day,
play hopscotch and swing high as a bird,
no,
high as the moon,
on the swing set.
I'm sorry my feet are firmly on the ground.
These decisions are too hard to make
and you must be frightened.
Shall we paint a rainbow or paint a storm?

Hello little girl,
hidden inside me,
I'm sorry this is goodbye.
The photos and videos
will help me remember,
but I must start to walk
without anybody holding my hand.
You'll be okay.
You'll be alright.

Hello little girl,
hidden inside me.
It's time to grow up.

Sometimes the best thing to do,
Is the hardest thing of all to do,
It's hard because it means letting go,
Letting go of the ones you love and hold dear,
Letting go of all hopes and dreams,
Letting go of the wistful thoughts you once held onto,

And I've come to realise that me,
Myself,
I've already done most of that,
Let go of dreams,
Of the wishes and hopes,
It's the people that I haven't let go of yet,
Because they keep holding on,
Why do they not see what I really am,
A dreadful poison,
One that rots your heart and soul,
One that kills you from the inside out,
Why do they hold on,
Why do they want me to live.

I don't know,
I just want them to understand that I don't want to be here anymore,
Don't want to have to deal with all the crap,
All the pain,
The scares,
And cuts,
The people who pour the salt into the wounds,

I just want to go so I won't hurt anyone else....

Lights strung above this out of place darkness
create shadows of an invisible existence
Filaments of glowing hopes and wants
droop towards empty heart beats

Alone in this overcrowded nightmare,
checking the time on faceless clocks
in no particular sequence standing
like sentries on broken boundary lines

An endless runway of lifeless orbs
dot the landscape in Morse code warnings
as I turn away in a curved defiance,
unable to accept the words touching my eyes

And still, glistening raindrops fall from overhead wires
reflecting each tear drop of prism’d descent
For even if I wake, screaming as the night disappears
she will still be gone, like every other burned out dream