Frustration
  seeping through my muscle
unnamed expressions of
    that new human emotion
       its older than most
what are we compared to?

I breathe air like it's impossible to swallow
    a paradox
forgetting the fond memories

left with the ones that tear at the seams
     (nothing is as it seems)
It's art
even the horrific
long lost
  repressed

hiding under quilts
of ignorance
of silent disdain

All we have is now
you'll keep me afloat
but never teach me how
knots in my throat,
I'm guilty
reading your scribbled love notes
I'll beg you to stay with me.
Pinky promise on the train
we're headed towards anywhere
they called us insane
but I think we discovered
a new truth in our love
I've been lost and recovered
and we laugh from above
the borders aren't there
the wards are so small
breathe in the frosty air
we won't go down at all
we're flying high
like the stars we idolized
and as we left the ground
we knew our secrets wouldn't be found.

it took me
many nights
torment
of swallowing
the salt water
and everything
we meant

but
somehow
in the mornings
I no longer taste
your name

To find a calm state of mind
A meditation to stop
The steady resistance of my brain.

Silence.

Leaving you to the mercy
Of your darkest ambitions
There's no point in running
Continuity is a curse.

I thrive off of change
Your sickly sweet contradictions
Always keep me entertained
Yet another reason to stay insane

every time I write
it's like my fingers have to
dance around your memory
sweeping your substance
under my keys
not even an ounce
unearthing you
could so easily swallow me

I could have loved you forever.

I wonder who
You assume
These words are really for

(If you think you are
'You'
You probably are)

desperately
attempt an escape
from cliché
and doing so
live another

midnight musings
jotted down in
cluttered notebooks

they never seem as grand
as they did
with heavy eyelids

late night cravings
and spurs of inspiration
that kind of cold stillness
that makes you want to write

white noise, loud thoughts

get away get away get away

time is running fast
no one noticed that you stopped
overwhelming numbness
chills your nerves

losing momentum

slipping away
again
so soon

What are we fighting?
do you remember?
we are diseased, displeased,
definition of undone

wait for the sound
to reassure you
you're not alone
even knowing, that you won't answer

clocks continue
to dictate lives
I want to get out
of my head
my body
my mind

there is no ink that could satisfy
my shaking fingers
aching for more
for comfort
for truth

perhaps we ache
we crave
the fear

remember the silence?
your sweetest secret place
they found you there
and lit a match to serenity

do we believe because we exist?
or exist because we believe?

questions haunting your daydreams
your night terrors
black like a lack
of anything
empty
but filled with subconscious

I feel like a shadow of your chaos
following in time
stepping carefully through the rubble
the things you've left behind
so precious to some
mean so little to us
we run and we run
leaving everyone in our wake
I'm so fond of the way
you hold my hands when they shake
you taste like soaking sugar cubes
sickly sweet something I remember
we'll never see another summer or december
this is our finale

shaken consciousness
still begs for your belonging
still wont let me rest

that space between conscious and
                                                            n­ot
I will meet you there
peals of laughter will echo
for we will have escaped
                                           finally,
we will hover in limbo
breathing pure paradox
we will be alone you and
                                               I
whispers will then creep in
through the cracks in our sewn secrets
we never listen to what they
                                                say
yet soon the whispers
sink into our spines
and up through our joints
out our mouths they say
                                            goodbye.

don't cry
don't cry
don't ******* cry

but be honest
stay honest
stay logical
but don't stuff your emotions
be honest
be logical
don't cry
be strong
but don't push back



just don't ******* cry

can you see the future
or I suppose a future
is what I'm getting at,
but I'm asking so much more
than that
I know what you have to say
and I don't want to hear it
in the first place

self harm
can pass undetected
as simply existing

when will I shift
no longer observing
but playing in your game

I am sick
of seeing all of you yearning
because you all just want the same

grant yourselves the silence
at least the sincerity
of truth

answer the questions
you've been avoiding
but not because I want you to

tell her, write to her, call her, even though you shouldn't
don't run away, confess to all, even though you said you wouldn't

it was just march first
you kissed my smile good morning
spring, without warning

hello potential
stare me down
carry your judgements
but don't make a sound
except the crack of your smile
and our feet on the pavement
beating a pulse
the night is so vacant
except the howls inside us
joining the wolves

I can feel you beside me
taking it in
please don't falter, potential
we're about to begin

I miss your familiarity
with my silence
your understanding
of my laughter
and your simple way
of letting me know
that I was not alone

I'm too up to function
pulse thumps and thoughts running
there's no pause
in my head
there's no break
for my nerves
even though I've changed
there's no promise that
I'm now being heard
I kept my end of the bargain
It's your turn
Keep your word

four hundred ninety four days.
forever became
an impossible promise.

Can you feel the electricity between our hands?
Daring them to touch
To give in
It's a challenge
Its a question of sin
Almost like a test
I have nothing to lose
I don't even have you
I can feel the churning of your mind
Ideas being analyzed
Inspiration squeezed dry
Imagine if we touched,
Danced,
Loved,
The sparks that could fly
Our dreams would never die,
But you left
You walked away
Leaving me with a smile
At what could have been,
Still on my face

I think that
perhaps
I've finally grown tired
of finding new ways
to say that
simply

I am sad.

try not to hear you
in every shout and silence
ringing in my ears

What's your resolution?
What was your last?
Is it worth the false hope,
looking back on your past?

For emptiness,
Or maybe lack of a better word.
I still look at your pictures
I need to be a little more like you
For envy,
I can't wish you well
I don't want you to win
Though I imagine you still do
For pity
I sometimes wonder if you realize
What it is to be truly alive
But who am I to show you?

stepping into balance
between the start
and end of things.
canceling the feelings
of forward motion,
though holding momentum
through tumbled emotion.
I can't help
(or maybe won't)
but feel lost and misled
given all away
only to find myself
at a starting place
in overgrown footsteps
that took away
my need to believe.

And she ran
Hoping that her crime
May be forgotten
But by the time she made it home
Her twisted grin was rotten
They tied her up, skin against stake
They lit up the flames
They watched her scream and shake
They had forgotten that it was all a game

.
Often forgetful
Yet so rarely forgiving
We spin, on and on.

..
I am ever so
In debt to the beginning
For learning to love

...
Every time I
Let go of your memory
I remember more

....
Every passed glance
Is just another reason
To learn how to shine

.....
I am more and more
Becoming what you looked for
My timing needs work

The times I hate
The day is done
I know a lie
When I’m being raised by one

She’s hidden
A garden of dreams and buried memories
He craved the air she breathed
you’ll never leave
you’ll never leave
caught up in the seams
she seemed to gleam
secrets and lies
she secretly tries
but no one will believe her
so she plasters roses
on top of her bruises
she tries and loses
loses track of who is
worth running away from
its night so here they come
you better run
you better run

her hands told me stories
as they nervously drifted
towards my own

they spoke of goodbyes
of second guesses
of loss

but most of all
they spoke of
                          *hope

Somewhere silent
We’ll wonder where the miles went
Somewhat quiet
Wanton mental dialect
Will be forgotten as it’s thought

Somewhere silent
While finding love to dissect
Somehow quiet
We’ll live with love so violent
And pray it never be forgot

consume
I am hungry for more than matter
for energy
for impossibility
give it to me

I want it all
I want you too
albeit
I'll never give myself back to you

daydreams and
shallow company
(your small talk
means so much to me)

you are more than
those memories
than the bruises on your heart

more than folded corners
marking passages
that feel like home

more than what you lack
and
more than what you have

you are
more than enough

I was awake
for 49 hours
and I told him
that I was the sun

there are aspects
of myself
that I can be convinced
are beautiful
it is my self
as a whole
that drives me further
into loathing.

this is the third time
I've cried about you

we got lost
we fell in love

you wouldn't wake up
and I got bruised

you jumped ship
but
you're something
I'm not willing to lose

I have such torturous confliction
on whether or not I'm long gone
and I don't know what it's like
(to be here at all)
what if I never get better?
what if I'm worse than I thought?
what if it's never been real?
what if it's all that I've got?