You were right about
How all the grey
Might affect my stormy heart
But all the rain has helped me grow
and I keep my shoulders back now

I step out of myself,
lean my weight against the car
let my head roll back,
until the houses and streetlights
are just light pollution
dimming the stars as they come out

I'm too dizzy to stand
but I feel so solid, when it's just me and the wind
I sink back into the blackness between stars
and find comfort
in air running through the trees
reminding me
of all the times
I've started over

I wake up,
look at you,
I see everything.
while I linger
on the corners of your mouth
I see the pillars of morning light
and the way your breath
is hypnotic

I see the moment between
dreaming and day
for all it's worth
and I know in my bones
that it's worth holding onto
I see your eyebrows furrow
and remember why
I should burn the letters
that I write when I'm angry

I remember when I saw you
and I couldn't remember
where we'd gotten lost
but my soul sighed with relief
when I found you

I see you
and I see everything

the air stings my bare skin
I can see my breath
I can see an escape
the overcast white is too bright
for my tired eyes
and my wandering heart
and two different cars
crashed in the exact same spot
two mornings in a row

and I could only help but laugh
at the synchronicity of the universe
or the foolishness of young toyota drivers
trying to believe their own mystery

two mornings in a row
I'm at loss for words
or certainty
but today
I saw an exit,
and it wasn't nosediving off the road

I used to write

like if I said it enough
found the right way
suddenly someone would grasp
understand, untie me

as if, in naming my fears
they would stay in plain sight
not in shadows
dancing on the wall

like if my tongue
could blunder through
the brambles in my throat
I would stay
awake
aware
afloat

you're right
I don't deserve it
and every always
is a shade for
some uncertain grasp
on why we need other people
why my heart still hurts
and why the good things
can't last

I learn so much
from each time
my heart breaks
from each time
I turn my self off
to keep a straight face
there will probably be more days
but I'm not going to forget
that you ******* walked away

In some world
it could almost be funny
that you're this idea
I've been stuck on
but really
you were the first
soul that I ever
found truth in

you saw me
(you promised
you'd never let me
run away)

and I keep avoiding
face to face
because
these awful sobs
get caught in my throat
and I can't know what
god awful noise will escape
in place of "hello"

(I ******* swear
I've moved on)

I haven't heard
your voice in
10 months
(except for
in my head
in my dreams
and
in a voicemail
that you told me
"always")

I am new

but
every ******* word
is still true
and I refuse
to let my
sinking chest
make a lie
out of you

time is
smiling
at the thought of you
and my eyes only sting
for a moment

and even if I miss you
I've stopped reminiscing
about
hot summer kisses in the dust
while those feelings
plagued me
with too big and too much
I'm sorry you had me
when I wasn't much

time is
your name
still catches in my throat
but now I know
it was never because
I wasn't enough

this is the third time
I've cried about you

we got lost
we fell in love

you wouldn't wake up
and I got bruised

you jumped ship
but
you're something
I'm not willing to lose

Love stained my soul
like
charcoal
But somehow you
Made it under my skin
I tried to dig you
Out of my veins
I bled out
But you stayed in

you saved
my soul
when my mind
became poison
(I had to start over
when (y)our love
did the same)

it was just march first
you kissed my smile good morning
spring, without warning

healing
growing
bursting
overflowing
expanding
I exist

the person I was
with you
will never exist again
and
I know that
from that
fire in my lungs
and
oh god
it aches
and
I'm okay.
promise,
promise,
promise,
I'm okay.

the lulls of fog hug close
to the hips of the hills
caught
in the soaked grass
and the sighs of February

the styrofoam sticks
burned to the roots,
compact in the cracks
of the sidewalk so packed
into my memory

and the powdered
assimilation
leaves sweetness
on the base of my tongue

the hooves of fog
race us
they dance between the trees
bucking at the thunder
at the bursting
of my anticipation

I know
mostly
I don't even write anymore
in my streaks of
4 o'clock
the words barely come to my throat
and then fall into a knot
clotted coughs
taste like red roots and hip hop

the floorboards of
my chest
creak
when half a year later
you're still in my dreams
they strain
and rasp
I can't last
like this

surrounded

when I perceive
that I am
not enough

I cannot help but think
it's because
I have lived in constant
fear
of being too much

I know that
with your
little fixes
you're always
just trying
to help me get better
but
I am
so much better where
I am

exhausting
every possibility
of how I am
becoming
                 limitless

I won't take one more day
of being dulled down
to your level
Suppressing the rest of
what keeps me from hell
because your fragile grasp of power
is just that tangible

You say I stress on your spine
I know it's just that
my existence
escapes the boundaries
of your mind
when this exasperation
can't escape
when you so refuse all reason
I ache to break
the balmy surface of my skin
(in the end
I cannot win)

I know I owe you
for a life I never got to choose
for all these years
marked by faded bruises
though I love you
you've barely got
respect to lose

How about
we explore
and expose
the underbelly
of our drunken tongues

I want to fall in love
with your ugly
and
forget why
once morning has begun

I want to cut off the parts
of me
that remind me of you
I want a breath of
something
besides the cold hard truth
a drink of anything
to forget these bruises

your not so distant
memory
is so much more
than I bargained for

tell me how our story goes
(or went)
I'll keep pretending
that I could ever
forget

I stay clear of words that
sound too soon
questions that
will hurt too much to ask
I can **** down
a lifetime of
lies or *****
but I can't move on
while leaning on the past

the anonymity
of our crowded cafe glances
grows stale
sitting in my memory

forgive
my hesitation
the crack
of my rusted smile
the escape
of my gasp
It has been a while
I'd almost forgotten
how to laugh

come a bit closer
you can't ignore my lightning
I, enlightening

it took me
many nights
torment
of swallowing
the salt water
and everything
we meant

but
somehow
in the mornings
I no longer taste
your name

I have some books
and their pages stay crisp
and they remain clean
kept in a state
of perfection

I have
no holes
in those sweaters
that stay on the shelf
(those that always
reminded me of you)

what I love
I destroy
(it wasn't meant
to happen with people too)

This block that’s been haunting me
I finally know what it is
It’s not that my thoughts have ever ceased to exist
(no matter how hard I wish)
My truth
Has never been poetic.
My 4 shots of honesty
Are tucked under unclean bed-sheets
Collecting dust
Because I haven’t found a soul
With good enough reason to trust

I work with formulated brushstrokes
My polished softer madness
Because I’ve been told that
This much eye contact makes you
Uncomfortable
That sometimes
I say the things
that you didn't
want to (or know how)
to hear
not sweet enough
for you to swallow
So shove it down my throat
with a gleam in your eye
you gloat
like you actually think
you’ve solved my mystery

I
have covered up
every last shadow
of sincerity
every vicious glimmer
of your fingerprints
marring the fabric
of my skin
my canvas
my natural form
is your sin

I shudder to think
That I’m waiting
For my censored text to be read
Waiting for repercussions
Of wounds that I’ve already bled
My truth
Is that I blurred through the boundaries
Between memories and lies
That I often can’t remember
What I made up and why
there was so much to
cover up
with false nostalgia

my heartache
is
that there’s no logic behind that
no reason to
forget how to feel
to go three days
with my eyes glazed
until I can grasp on
to what's real
a patched up framework of sane
and I want to see blood
to feel purpose for pain

Every time my tremors
Shake in new directions
I want to cry because
That’s just one step further away
from perfection
Playing pretend
Was just imagination
until it was dysfunction
and I set fire to my lungs
Because no matter what
I was never good enough

I choke on my breath
And the burn of swallowed blood
too warm
out of place
like a breeze to the bone
Dripping past the place that
Your name once called home
I still visit
The grave of a legend
In my body
So heavy with the weight
Of lives I never lived

It was never like
The words I so hopefully drowned in
The promises that
my fears were unfounded
That no one could really
Be alone
Not like this
Not like
Being left to remember your kiss
Not like
Nail marks in the palms of clenched fists
Not like fading in and out of dreams
Asking myself
Which reality is this?
Untangling from cold sweats
With the ringing in my ears
Reminding me ruthlessly
That god ****** I’m still here
And you’re gone

I hate that “I miss you”
Is mistaken for cliché
But it’s my truth
It’s my indescribable
My engulfing
My around every corner
Over and over
Your absence impacts like a train
stolen months
dripping in honey sweet
hope
we were my first us
it's hard to find salvation
when your
foundation gives up

My anger
Is sharp breaths
It tastes like
***** coming out my nose
Splashing against my skin
It burns a little like
Bee stings
Coming up my throat
And a whole lot less
Than the loneliness

That vacant isolation
That booms so stubborn
Trying to heal
from numb
Reminding me that
Summer by summer
I become something
That I wont
be willing to save.
At this point
I'm not sure what I crave.
it feels like thunder
on the horizon
of my intangible
you are so much more
than a metaphor
for how perspective
is flammable
but my story
was never about you

birthed from ashes
I am
your favourite taboo

I don't like running
because
I don't like feeling weight
the constant taunt
of up down
crashing forward
relentless
unexpected

but I've been running
my whole life

I only carry
what I know I can drop
I am temporary
like a bandage
but your wounds need to breathe
like those fleeting
days that taste
like what we thought we'd be

I'm sorry if
it bruised
when I let you go
if those dragging scars
keep the past alive
the past
you're so keen
to deny

I'd apologize
but my truth
is only harder than fiction
every denied suspicion
is now our existence
then and now
I'd drop anything
(everything)
to hold
you

we kissed like
that last bit
of drunken innocence
could cauterize
our wounds

but instead
we bled into each other
your sighs filled my
hunger
and you didn't know
that those scars were new
and I wanted
you to pretend
I wanted to
pretend for you

but really
I wanted to be full
and your lips were warm
and wanting you
was nothing new
and two hours of sleep
was plenty
for another day
of our pretending

every time I write
it's like my fingers have to
dance around your memory
sweeping your substance
under my keys
not even an ounce
unearthing you
could so easily swallow me

too much
is still only
a matter of when

something has clogged
my truth within me
rusted pipes
deny me
my iv drip of honesty
the syllables that used to slip
right out
now crawl
with the echoed
tip tap
of blind rats
finding their way
to light

forgetting you (us)
is like trying
to bury a legend

you're tangled in
strangling tugs of
heartache
break right through to
the last wall left
dangling the taste of
what was left to love
fall right ahead
to your first footsteps
take it slow
you're rushing into
your sense of nothing

Too many deep breaths
feels like desperation
You bleed through other people
you're an expert on salvation
The horizon of your hips
is by far my favorite mystery
Temptation told me tales of
our impossible history
it just hit me
you don't mind sunrise
because morning aren't
saturated, stained with goodbyes
I want to know your
when, how and why's
Where your worries go
at the end of the night
Then I could take your misunderstanding
as love
Because it can't be understood
so much as coveted
and
There's something in my past
that makes my head not grasp
why I ended up surrounded
by a world of destructed evolution
You can be my problem
I've had enough solutions
Too many left and forgotten
Too many ways to get lost
I may not be whole again
tangled in your fantasy
So captured in my abandon.

try not to hear you
in every shout and silence
ringing in my ears

I sawed at myself
with a key, as if something
inside would unlock

shaken consciousness
still begs for your belonging
still wont let me rest

There is so much i can do
to push back on the weight
of my shortcomings
To counteract
those words that don't fit right
those doubts that scrape at my
peace of mind
collapsed and buried alive
by ten tons of
'what if's and 'I'll do better's
you told me to dig deep
but I'm already
too far under

the words don't come
when I try
lightheartedly
to write is to live
is to bleed

I can't compare
perfection
to anomaly
I can't think
I'm trying to breathe

I ask what you're looking for,
I never even fathomed
that you could be
happy where you are.

I'm too up to function
pulse thumps and thoughts running
there's no pause
in my head
there's no break
for my nerves
even though I've changed
there's no promise that
I'm now being heard
I kept my end of the bargain
It's your turn
Keep your word

I could have loved you forever.

it isn't beautiful
not in the same way that you were
with your earth toned sighs
and your heart-wrenching lullabies
not like your summertime sweaters
or the way you waited for dreaming
it isn't beautiful
in the way you wore your sadness
cloaked over your sunken shoulders
oh so lovely
but it is new
and bright
and feels so very alive
it is beautiful like
I may never see your lips shake
and dreaming can wait
because I'm no longer
so heavily pained by day
it is beautiful like
escaping laughter
because happiness
holds no shame

I miss your familiarity
with my silence
your understanding
of my laughter
and your simple way
of letting me know
that I was not alone

sometimes
the right words
don't seem long enough
like the space I have to fill
in this universe
isn't quite the right fit
but I'm far too stubborn to quit
simplistic
my cerebral prescense
is elastic

I kept pretending
That I couldn't remember your name
So determined that you weren't
Worth the time of day
I guess it's a reflection
Of my own sorry self
Such pretentious invention
Of isolation's hell

Your lips were dry
And they pulled me in
Like your kiss was synonymous
With salvation
The gospel truth
Of tasting you
Like I've wanted to
(Ill never admit it)
You kissed my hips,
Pulled my lower back in
I indulge in your sin
Feel your pulse through close skin
I dive into
Your ideals
It's not real as long as
We don't put it into words
And there's no need for
Any language besides that of our bodies
You used to taunt me
Intangible
Then I'm in your hands
Ready to be molded into
Whatever next breath.

Do you remember
The first time we kissed?
It was like I couldn't breathe anything
But the smell of your skin.
You were, are, will be
Every poetic sentiment
That I ever need.
I don't know how to live,
If not with you,
I'm scared shitless
Now that I have to,
But 3,377 miles
Can't stop me from loving you
More than  
All the daisies under the sun
And all the bubbles in the sea
I love you more than lightning storms
And every leaf on every tree
You are the sun, moon and stars
The very air that I breathe.
Distancing myself won't help
Because I had to choke down
An imperfect goodbye
No words in any language
Exist to say what I need
You echo in my existence
Every time I laugh, kiss, cry or bleed
And no physical distance
Changes that first kiss
Or touch, or love.
When I'm lost
Ill remember your lips
That tought me how to miss you
I kissed you goodbye
But nothing near final
Because together
Ill settle for nothing less than forever
Before long you'll be seeing me
I'm scared as hell but
I'm still on my feet
Step by step
Moment by moment
Breath by breath
We will learn
How to be.

I wonder who
You assume
These words are really for

(If you think you are
'You'
You probably are)