I felt your warmth leave in the setting sun,
and your eyes glow in the darkness.
I watch your shadow walk away,
so heavy,
an anchor in shallow water,
you will not drown yet.

I have felt your finger stroking my cheek,
heard your breath as you hide your face into my shoulder,
I wanted to protect you,
I tried to stand in front you with a sword flaming with good intentions
striking every bad thought and insecurity,
that came bounding at you
but I've always had bad aim.

I tried to keep you from shaking,
but you shook anyways
I tried to keep your from crying
but the tears still came,
I tried to keep you happy
but I myself am weak
and the monster of depression
has left us both crippled in it's cataclysmic wake.

I washed my hands,
and kissed your forehead
and left without a goodbye,
because I wanted more than anything to help you feel better,
but all I do is remind you,
that you are alone
even when I'm right next to you.
I wish this wasn't so

*I will always love you

You'll occupy my bed,
for a day or two,
regardless of whether or not
I am in it.
//
Then you'll leave.
For a few days,
a week,
a few weeks.
//
While you're gone
the coffee will still be made,
the showers will still be taken,
and bed time stories will still be read.
//
However,
my body will shiver
without your heat,
and I'll go to bed earlier,
without your heat.
//
I may not play my guitar,
and I may not memorize my lines
while you're present.
But God ******, you're present.
//
//
The sun shines
and it will continue to shine
and the clocks tick
and they will continue to tick
and my love yearns
and it will someday cease yearning.
Cease burning.
Cease.
/
Just as your presence has
ceased.

~

Shadows can be scarier than darkness.

~

It was a Saturday morning.
We got cigarettes around 10:00,
***** around 10:30 (they just wouldn't leave the liquor isle),
and drunk around 11.
We didn't stop drinking
and smoking
until we ran out.

High as the low lying clouds
that rained upon us,
we walked
the streets of the town we were born in.

They have a word for boys like us.
Probably a few,
but we don't need to get into that.
Time ******,
highs fade,
wallets empty
and we got drunk at 11 on a Saturday morning.
They have words for boys like us.
Bums,
hoodlums,
punks.
Whatever,

It was a Saturday morning and we had pie for breakfast.

To the boys who never loved me,
but pretended they did,
if only for a night.
To the boys who never loved me,
and used my body as a surrogate for the voids in their heart
left by others
or by themselves,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but our nights of passion left memories so sweet,
not in your heart or in the palm of your hand
but right on the tip of your ****
where you remember the way it felt
with your fingers in my hair
and my breath on your thigh.
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but claimed they did
or told me lies
to get beneath my fabric,
where disappointed they found,
that I was not the long term answer to their insecurities,
only a nighttime siren,
plagued with sadness
that made you slowly back away
when you got deeper than skin,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I could not be her,
the one you thought you had forgotten,
I am sorry that I could not fix you,
and I'm sorry that you could not fix me.
I am sorry for the nights of *******
where we tried so hard to make love,
and instead we drowned in our own self pity,
and made resentment instead,
I am sorry.

I am sorry for the promises I broke to you,
and the promises you broke to me
all stemming from the fact that too often
we think intimacy will bring us together
when it has only ripped us apart,
I am sorry.
I am sorry you could not find yourself in me,
or that you found too much of yourself in me,
I am sorry that I was not enough,
I'm sorry for the things I have done to you,
and the things you have done to me.


To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.

You take things day by day,
which is a marvelous way to love.

I envy you and the clarity you see the world with.
I as well, take things day by day,
only I am one day behind.
Still lurking on the happenings of yesterday,
the kisses given and love spent.

I'll go to bed tonight thinking about the girl I was kissing yesterday,
not the one I will kiss today.

God loves all of His children,
and I'm sure He will take special care
in bringing His child that you love home
from a war he has no business fighting.
he picks up his rifle everyday
because our country called upon him to do so.
Which is a good cause.

While he's there and you're here, you'll take things day by day.
The days in which you talk to him are great days.

The days in which you do not are merely good days.
And that is how you live.
Everyday is good and yet some are better.
Everyday for me is okay and yet some are more okay.
or less okay, depending on the state
of the weather
and the weather of one's kisses.

the smoke
stings my chest
but why
shouldn't it?

If I knew life went So fast
I would have been more cautious
I would have always used a blinker
Always checked my mirrors
Forced everyone to wear seatbelts
I wouldn't have speed that fast
I would have walked a little more
And admired the giant oak trees
And blue cloud dotted skys

I would have looked into your eyes a little longer
I would have sang,
Danced, laughed
And loved a little more

But then again,
I wouldn't have changed anything
For the world
And Thank you for that.