Tonight my anxiety is too bad to sleep
so I am repainting the walls of my heart,
so long over-due
and I have already decorated pink
over the scars you left,
and blue
on the fresh wounds
he cut me with tonight
and I've put both your names in the shredder,
because I just tidied up the living space
and I'm through
with all this ******* chaos.

I once dated a boy who
reminded me of my mother
they both loved their cigarettes
more than they ever loved me
-

I wanted you to love me,
so that I could love myself
but that's never the right way
to go about things,
I thought your lips
would wash away my heartache
but now
I am drowning in it.

I am a mess of habits, scooped with shaking hands like rusted pennies.
I breathe more nicotine than I do oxygen.
I bite my nails like that is the only way I can keep from clawing my skin off my bones.
The liquor bottles under my bed far outnumber the books on my shelf.
I am constantly shrinking myself, making room for the people I place around me,
Like a computer program running in the background.
I am shaping myself like clay around the space of those I hold dear.
Making myself small and building up everyone else.
The smoking and the drinking may **** me young,
But not before I shrink myself so small, I disappear.

Her heartbeat
is playing a song.
jump! it says,
run!
*love!

Sure,
I'm sad you're gone,
but I'm happy you can be anywhere at all.
And sure,
I miss you,
but I'm happy your first breath of the day is no longer in this town.