try not to hear you
in every shout and silence
ringing in my ears

I sawed at myself
with a key, as if something
inside would unlock

shaken consciousness
still begs for your belonging
still wont let me rest

There is so much i can do
to push back on the weight
of my shortcomings
To counteract
those words that don't fit right
those doubts that scrape at my
peace of mind
collapsed and buried alive
by ten tons of
'what if's and 'I'll do better's
you told me to dig deep
but I'm already
too far under

the words don't come
when I try
lightheartedly
to write is to live
is to bleed

I can't compare
perfection
to anomaly
I can't think
I'm trying to breathe

I ask what you're looking for,
I never even fathomed
that you could be
happy where you are.

I'm too up to function
pulse thumps and thoughts running
there's no pause
in my head
there's no break
for my nerves
even though I've changed
there's no promise that
I'm now being heard
I kept my end of the bargain
It's your turn
Keep your word