cough
like you could evict
the bitter thickness
of failure from your lungs
purge the fallacies you're pounded with
the shame
of cheap whiskey
and the voicemails you've saved
just to remind yourself
that you ruined things
punishment
because it feels righteous
when it comes from within
cough
and when your lungs settle
the heaviness remains
so take another desperate drag
because perhaps
this will finally be your last

I hear you
like the ringing in my ears
in the time
between consciousness
and dreams

fading scar tissue on my skin
feels so far from healing

aggressive breath
anxious sweat
pearls at the base of my neck

like puddles reflecting
that one lit up window
that spoke volumes
on the subject
of loneliness
and surrender

smog drifting higher
hugging the sun
in its suffocating embrace
so let the kids play
because tomorrow
the headlines could tell you
that it's finally time
to give up
give in
give away
anything
and everything you tried to save

cough like
your eroded throat
is the holy vessel
and your pain is scripture
pretend you didn't repeat
the things you pretended
to not have heard
so give me your last breath
and I give you my word
I'll never let your anguish
be remembered

so come on
and cough.

I carry this
heavy emptiness
as if
it was never lifted
never full

overcast eyes
throbbing soreness
in my chest
tightened around
the wounds
where those simple things
have stabbed me

oh I grow so tired
of wondering why
of simmering with sorrow
and painfully spitting
blood
from all the times
I bite my tongue

yet I cannot
will not
show

sometimes I write goodbyes
to prepare for hellos
and maybe that's why
they like me
(when I'm distant)

"boldly resisting authority or an opposing force"


but
you call me defiant
like it's a bad thing

I inhale
until the fabric of my lungs burn
stretched
and then collapse

I still feel cheated

did you steal the oxygen too?
or maybe just enough
that I'd never feel full

punishment
for surviving
I suppose

you are more than
those memories
than the bruises on your heart

more than folded corners
marking passages
that feel like home

more than what you lack
and
more than what you have

you are
more than enough