In dark dreams
I walk again
those empty
hospital corridors

with their dull lights
and smell of disinfect
and death
in those dreams

I look for you again
my son
passing by
the blanks faces

of others
looking at
their eyes
for glimpses of life

or concern
or such  
as humans
sometimes have

I go by
room after room
pass porters
pushing

the occasional trolley
by the various
side wards
passing by

the bright lights
of hospital shops
in the dream
I am hoping

to find you once more
sitting there
on the bed
your back turned

your head lowered
but this time
I am hoping
for a healthier you

my son
not one so ill
so lost
in this dream

sunlight shines
through the window
of the small ward
a bird sings

not that dull curtain
the murmur
of voices
the usual limbo like

air about the place
this time my son
I wish to find you well
looking at me

with your own
familiar smile
not that haunted
expression

and tired eyes
that draw from me
a steam
of deep felt cries.

I found myself a dying sun,
I lay ashore, all mem'ries gone,
Beneath a sky of crimson clay,
Where every world spends its last day.

The dusty sand beneath my form
I used to love looks so forlorn.
The waves crash down with energy
They do not wish to share with me.

I am tired of it all,
Sick to death, I take the fall.
Down to the void, abyss,
Without parting glass or kiss.

You will not find me here tomorrow,
I have drowned myself in sorrow.
The bleakest darkness of my past
Swells in the distance like a mast.

I shall not perish, all the same.
Your world is evil and insane,
Yet I shall rise again at last
While you'll be buried in the past.

Rock bottom isn't a place but
A state of mind, and
Mental illnesses linger in
The nooks and crannies of your mind
Depression always present
Wreaking havoc on your days
Anxiety a crippling punishment
Filling this life with pain
Never sleeping, because the nightmares
Have grown to loud at night
Eyes open, stare at the ceiling
Unsure if you can continue the fight

Promises are made to be broken and
Your words are as hollow as this home
Empty gestures I no longer believe in
And a sense of dread whenever you call
Friendship is a two way street
But I had to put all the time in
Next time you call I won't answer the phone
Find a new fool to confide in

A panic realized
a shivering chill
racing up my soul
feeling the emptiness

Awake in the dark
as I walk among the dead

Chaos surrounds me
as my thoughts drip
into a graveyard of liquid
metal and bones

Its so warm in this room
But why are my limbs trembling?
Tears are rolling down in this bright room
The hysteric's kick in and rushing

Searing pain in my chest
And gasping for air is getting difficult
Locking myself in this bathroom while i'm getting so stressed
Family is on the other end of the thin wall remembering my thoughts are not so innocent

It wells up in my head what everyone calls danger
Then there is no more reactions, completely disconnected
My body is now like a stranger
The worrying thoughts targeting my daily life as expected

Trying to keep the world out with music
With all the maddening loss
What is with this endless panic?
Its just another big anxiety attack I have to come across

I have to stop thinking.
I need to turn my brain off.
Im torturing myself
By thinking of the future.
Figuring out the maze,
Of you and me.
How to get to the finish line,
Together.

Im trying to prepare myself,
For hearing the words,
"We used to talk"
If they mention my name.
Instead of,
A smirk on your face,
And a little laugh,
"Yeah, shes amazing."

So im trying,
I really am,
To block out the future.
Its was working a week ago,
Because your presence
Was the only distaction i needed.
But now i am left with myself.
With my thoughts.
With images of you
With memories of us.
With high hopes for the future.
That flicker through my head,
Almost constantly.
But now they are fading.
I dont know wheather its a
Good thing?
Bad thing?
Because sooner or later
I will be confronted with one choice.
I will reach a dead end.
I could fly.
Or I could fall.
There is no middle,
Sadly.
Believe me its not what i want.
But all my odds are pointing
To a deep black abyss.
So,
Eventually,
I will have to force you out of my head.
Somehow.

I dont know if you can tell,
But i am a fighter.
This is why i am in such a panic.
"There has to be a way around this."
My subconscious really needs
to shut up.

Part of me.
wants to keep my two fists up.
And part of me.
Wants to enjoy the time we have.
It is very hard,
But i guess,
i need to let fate
Write the rest of my story.
Even though i keep trying and trying
To skip ahead,
And See what happenes next.
The pages are blank,
And my thoughts
write in alternate endings.

So,
Lets breathe in,
And out.
And hope for the best.
It will work out.
It will work out.
If for the worst-
I can just say,
He wasnt the one.
And FINALLY have closure.
But a my heart will be shattered,
And my life will turn grey
For a while.
With heavy drops of water,
Splattered all around me.

But
If for the best-
I would beat all odds,
Im sorry,
I need to give myself more credit,
I have a chance.
I fit in somewhere on the scale
- I would beat all odds
Of other minds work.
And could finally show them,
That i could be loved.
But thats just a bonus.
No one out there,
Is like you.
No one.
Thats why everyone wants
You.
But i know there more to you than that.

This is why we need to talk,
This is why i need him.
I want him to think of me,
Half as much,
As i think of him.

Just half.
I dont ask for much.
I have been patient.

So now you see my struggle.
Now you feel too
the pebble in my shoe.
I still have two weeks with him,
And one more to think.
But when the beginning
Of the four week loss.
I hope i stay strong.
I hope he dosent change.
I hope we wouldn't of changed.
But now.
He hasnt,
We havent.
I need to enjoy the sunlight on my face.
I need to make the most of it.
There is something there.
But if there is no love for me,
In his heart,
I hope it comes to a complete stop.
I hope my eyes can open,
And my heart released,
Because right now,,
And theres a tear in my eye.
That i so greatly hold back.
Because there might be another,
Or another,
That he wants
From a long time ago.
And she will have
the one thing
That we dont have.
History.

But i can't dwell on this.
Its unfair to everyone.
So like I've been trying to say
About three dozen times,
In about three dozen different ways....

Enjoy the good while it lasts.
And save your good memories,
And smiles,
For a day you might need it.

I hope you noticed.
I hope you saw me go.
I hoped you turned around,
To see my foot prints in the snow.

I hope you feel hurt.
I hope you care.
I hope you went to turn to me,
To see i was no longer there.

I hope I mean something.
I hope the something is good.
I hope im not annoying,
And I did what i should.

I hope you feel a loss.
I hope you feel blue.
I hope you feel cold,
With all your friends around you.

I hope you feel betrayed.
I hope you feel discusted.
I hope you feel dissapointed,
That our friendship is pretty rusted.

I hope you feel regret.
I hope you feel pain.
I hope you know whos fault it is,
And your the one you blame.

I hope you know I walked away.
I hope you missed my goodbye.
Oh how I hope so many things,
When I'm just about to cry.