Hallee: Favorites

Dec 2013 Hallee

Nostalgia

Dec 2013 Hallee

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I would like to sit in an open field with you and scream at the top of our lungs
until ever word that's ever knotted in my throat comes pouring out of my mouth and dripping from my lips like blood
I would like to scream for every plea for help you've ever held inside and cry for every tear your heart refuses to release
Scream with me until we've clinched our fists so tight that every blood vessel made of nightmares untold will burst into a pool of secrets
Until our bones are wrapped in layers of nostalgic thoughts
and my spine coated in leaves closer to death than I believe I am
Though blood may be the poison watching each word fall from your heart immerses my soul like crimson relief

Dec 2013 Hallee

What She Doesn't See

Dec 2013 Hallee

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What She Doesn't See

Your eyes remind me of the river I drive across every morning on my way to work.
The sun has always reflected off the water the way love seemed to beam from your irises.
I know there are fish in that river, I just cannot see them.
Just like I know there is life behind the sky blue colors swirled in your eyes

I wish she'd forget you like the ocean forgets the top of the beach when it is feeling low.
I wish she'd forget the sand-colored hair I run my hands through.
I know your eyes hold more secrets than she could spill, and each secret can slip through the fingers you hold, as long as they were mine and not hers.

I can still hear the water crashing on top of the rocks only to be pushed away by my words every time I pushed you away and you clung to my heart like the undertow pulling at my feet.
But now she welcomes you like the bottom of a waterfall and you continue to
pour your love into her

I don't know how she ever let you go;
I don't know how someone could ever fall out of love with the way you'd say their name.
Our love could practice neoteny; it'll never grow old, even when we will.

I grew far too tired of the relentless persuasion to rekindle our flame. (I don't even know what that was supposed to mean)
the last memory I have of your voice is you screaming my name but I've watched you whisper hers gently into her ear and I can't help but wonder if you think of me

I wonder if she knows you never speak her name in a positive light? I can tell you've never wanted to let go so bad.
I'll hold your memories so safely in my hand,
only to throw hers aside.
I've never heard of such literal poison as the way she reeled you in.

Sometimes my mind wonders off to a simpler time and I question whether you taste her kiss and remember me.
I think of every sweet nothing you whispered in my ear as you held me tightly when my mind wasn't even remotely close.
I wonder if her thoughts stay with you or if it's just her body that's there just like mine
always seemed to be.
I've never heard of such literal
poison as the way she reeled you in.

Dec 2013 Hallee

Mythology

Dec 2013 Hallee

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Mythology

Venus was back to her wicked tricks; I never planned for the way you stole the breath from my lungs, but kept me begging for more. Or what about the beauty in your words? The Goddess of love and beauty could never compare to the way you once made me feel.

I bet Zeus had never thrown a lightening bolt as shocking as the way it felt when you first held my hand. I bet every lover he ever had never quite made him feel as complete as you could make me feel.

But there you were, and like Hephaestus you built me a stable castle for every pulse of my heart. I never felt so safe in such a small room, but now the walls close in and even Vulcan's fire can't match the heat from your embrace.

You were also Mercury, and your quick feet made me trip far faster than I should have. I just wanted to keep up, but our messages must have been left behind and now Cupid's arrows don't quite work like they did when we were young.

I felt like Tantalus when you let the vulture of your mind rip apart my stomach and leave me in sections on the rug. You were the food held just out of my reach and you were the waters I drowned deeper and deeper into, day in and day out.

Dec 2013 Hallee

Reflection

Dec 2013 Hallee

Camellia

Reflection

Reflection, you aren't me.
I know your beauty, but it's your flaws I see.
The you in the mirror, the me in my head
Seem like they could never be wed.

Your eyes, they change, your cheeks are flushed,
Your skin remains freckled, but your spirit is hushed.
You seem so off, like something's wrong
And has been wrong all along.

So strong the song of emotions I feel,
I suppose that's what you want to conceal.
Conceal that they're real, you pesky reflection,
Pretend that will get you perfection, connection

You can fool the others all you want,
Just please remember that it's me you haunt.
You looking off makes me seem tainted,
Imperfect, unfinished to those with whom I'm not acquainted.

Even when I feel lively to me you seem dead.
We're not alike, the you in the mirror, the me in my head.
Refelection, you aren't me.

Dec 2013 Hallee

Addiction

Dec 2013 Hallee

Malerie Serra

Addiction

I saw my last sunset
spun out of control
darkness knocking at my door
no longer could I hide
stillness in my life
the bells were ringing

Darkness crossing over
dimming the glowing light of my soul
helplessness befell upon me
it interposed my life
and well being

Running in circles - I was falling

Reborn into a world of evil
shinning with the others in the name of our savior
caught my fall
open your door with open arms
no fear - only light

I will not stop for death
running with the light not hiding from the dark
now I rule my world
I saw my first sunrise

Dec 2013 Hallee

Words of a Wise Therapist

Dec 2013 Hallee

Lizzy

Words of a Wise Therapist

"How can someone love you
If you don't love yourself?"
The words of therapists trying to help
Won't go away

They're right
I'd been thinking about it all wrong the whole time
There's
Nothing
To love*
They didn't want me to be happy
They just wanted to put me out of my misery

Dec 2013 Hallee

You Finish the Sentence

Dec 2013 Hallee

Lizzy

You Finish the Sentence

I close my door
Reach for my blade
And begin the routine motions
That now feel meaningless
Like my black and white past

I still look for silly reasons
Any excuse
To justify my actions

Just to get a quick feeling
Of anything at all
Even if that means it will hurt
Because if I'm numb for much longer
I might just...

Dec 2013 Hallee

Paranoia V. Anxiety

Dec 2013 Hallee

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Paranoia V. Anxiety

Every thread wound through this sweater traveling in different directions like the fibers of anxious thoughts dancing through the synapse in my mind.

I never felt anxiety like I felt the haunt of paranoia. I think the ghosts in the walls and the lurking shadows are just the memories of someone I once knew, but I swear you're there, I swear you're following me like something I'd like to forget.

Steam rises from my cup like a ghost, but I'm not sure if it's you or the forgotten versions of myself. I feel my heartbeat in my ears pounding through every vein in my body, causing my fingertips to pulse at every shaky thought.

What if it was you in the dark of the night? What if you were here like you once were? Would I drop my cup, or perhaps throw it, in a fit of fear. Or would I scream for you to leave, or perhaps for you to stay?

I swear I hear your restricted call "don't look back," but this is not a metaphor. I can't tell if you are trying to warn me through my dreams or announcing your arrival.

If the sounds in the walls never stop, will I learn claustrophobia in a form of everything that weighs me down and drowns me in a body of water that represents your eyes? You might was well be the rocks around my ankles; you stole the oxygen from my lungs but you forgot about the effect of loss of oxygen on the brain.

Every wall I ever built appears to fall down on top of me, but this is not opening my heart up. These walls and every brick are trapping me further under the weight of fear on my lips, every time I begin to speak, and the knot of helplessness in my throat begins to grow.

Now I'm not so sure if this weight is you, or just my walls you crumbled. Is this paranoia that follows me (I swear to God, it has to be you) or is it anxiety that locks me in a cage and keeps me up at night? Will I ever know the difference or are these all metaphors for a self-diagnosis?