I've said before I'm not very good at poetry but that seems to be only when I'm going to write about you and I guess it's time for a trip down memory lane.
the nostalgia of our friendship cuts like the blades you used to beg me not to use (but you never really cared it was all part of the plan)
I remember so clearly your favourite line to use to get me to calm down, "I've been with you this long, why would I leave now?"
so tell me why 6 months later you told me I wasnt important to you? you exploded that night with all the hurtful things you had been holding in for two years.
two years is a long time to lie to someone. I'm impressed you held it together for that long. but I guess at some points you needed me. you needed me to cry to about the girls who would never love you but now that I think about it, it was probably part of the plan.
I remember all the promises you made, and I guess I was so naive to believe them because in your letter you told me you were naive to make them.
all I ever was to you was a charity case. something to make you feel like you were making a difference in the world. like maybe if you saved a broken girls life a few time it would make you a good person even if in the end you lead her to attempt taking her own life. I hope you go to hell.
I think the worst part of sharing two years of my
life with you is the fact that you know all my secrets and my darkest corners and my favourite lines. and the fact that no matter how long I go without seeing you there's pieces of you in everything. like the way I spell favourite or colour with the "u" and how every episode of my favourite show will remind me of the night you held my hand while we watched it.
it just hurts because you broke not only my heart but me entirely. I've said it so many times before but I will never be able to trust someone else like I trusted you and it's scary because I'm afraid I will never fall in love again.
I guess at some point I became more than you bargained for and I'm so sorry for that.
I wish I could say I hate you but I'd probably let you back into my life if you asked yet I never want to see you again in fear of breaking down.
I wish I could stop writing about you but I miss you in my bones. *******.

you're gone physically, but it's not that easy.
you're still here in the way that I can't let anyone else know how I despise every inch of myself.
you're still here in the way the marks on my skin won't let the memories fade.
you're still here in the way where your broken promises make me cackle just as I'm promised a simple text.
you're still here in the way as when your name is casually mentioned I cringe.
you're still here in the way that I can't seem to trust those who are most sincere.
you're still here in the way that youre embedded into my veins, your key still fits the locks in the towers of my mind.
as much as I'd love for your physical absence to bring the absence of your memory in my mind it does not. your memory lies in the dungeon of my towers and your key is tightly placed into the key hole. as many times as I change my locks that ******* key fits
and that's why I won't let anyone that close even though your place needs to be filled. because you physically left and you took the part of my mind that knew how to be strong and how to tell the right from the wrong.
you're gone physically, but it's not that easy.

I have a hard time stringing together the correct words to form art but I'm going to try my best because
you make me feel like singing from the tallest building and
somehow there is a light in my eyes and it's not jusg the reflection of your words on the screen but rather the way you make me feel
fills me up to the brim of my eyes and I don't know how to handle that
you make the voices hush and sometimes they even join in the song with me and I have to admit that  has never occurred before
it's like you help me like myself and I never even dreamed of knowing how it feels to be okay with myself
you help me fill this vacant void in my soul and I don't know how to correctly put how much id like to thank you into words
the only time I don't completely hate myself is when I'm talking to you and oh my god it feels amazing
I have never found myself looking forward to a conversation that I count down until the person is out of work but my days drag when your messages aren't lighting my screen
and I can honestly say I could get used to waking up to your messy morning hair and the way I wake up with my eyes lit

I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I’m probably always going to be over weight and that no matter how many people tell me I’m beautiful I will never be told I’m skinny and even if someone does fall in love with me they will be the one with the bigger wife and I don’t want to be described as bigger I just want to know why I wasn’t taught to love myself and why kids are ever taught the word fat and I want to go back in time to strangle whoever decided what weight makes you fat or how weight has to do with self-worth and I don’t know how to deal with the body I’m stuck with forever

you left.
and apparently that left me with more problems than I'd like to admit.
you left.
and my walls are so high that sometimes I don't even know what is happening in my own mind.
you left.
and now I'm terrified. I'm scared. but mostly, I'm sccared.
you left.
and I can't let anyone in. I can't believe anyone would even waste their time having a conversation with me.
you left.
and now everything anyone tells me is a lie.
you left.
and I don't think I will ever be able to fully trust another male again.
you left.
and I wish you didn't take my trust with you. because there are some people that deserve my trust so much more than you do.
you left.
and now I believe everyone else will, too.